Trying to prepare myself ahead of time for interaction with my W in the near future. Don't know what will happen at the mediation, but I want to be ready with a plan, instead of trying to shoot from the hip, which I'm lousy at.
If she gives me attitude that I'm the one ending our M, and therefore she should get consideration in the mediation, how should I respond? My impulse would be to ask the mediator to leave the room, then strongly, but calmly, say something like "W, don't put this on me. You ended our M when you decided to have an A and leave me. I hung in for a year, working on myself, owning my failures, being open with you about how I feel about you, and showing my willingness to work on our M. You've given a few vague indications that you don't want to lose the security our M offers you, but nothing that says you're serious about saving our M. Your decisions over the last year and a half have led us here, and I won't tolerate this attitude that now YOU'RE the victim."
Or should I just say "W, you know who led us here, so spare me the attitude. Let's just get through this and get it done."
Or should I ignore her attitude and keep pushing my agenda?
Trying to prepare myself ahead of time for interaction with my W in the near future. Don't know what will happen at the mediation, but I want to be ready with a plan, instead of trying to shoot from the hip, which I'm lousy at.
If she gives me attitude that I'm the one ending our M, and therefore she should get consideration in the mediation, how should I respond? My impulse would be to ask the mediator to leave the room, then strongly, but calmly, say something like "W, don't put this on me. You ended our M when you decided to have an A and leave me. I hung in for a year, working on myself, owning my failures, being open with you about how I feel about you, and showing my willingness to work on our M. You've given a few vague indications that you don't want to lose the security our M offers you, but nothing that says you're serious about saving our M. Your decisions over the last year and a half have led us here, and I won't tolerate this attitude that now YOU'RE the victim."
Or should I just say "W, you know who led us here, so spare me the attitude. Let's just get through this and get it done."
Or should I ignore her attitude and keep pushing my agenda?
I like your first and second responses futureunknown, but I wouldn't ask the mediator to leave the room...I'd say it in front of the mediator...calmly, cool, and collected.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Hi Future! Thinking about these things now is probably pretty smart! I like both responses, and I also agree that theres no need to ask the mediator to leave the room. Im sure that if you stay cool, calm and factual about it, she will be quite disarmed.
Good luck! When is mediation?
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
The mediation is next Wednesday. My W has gone seriously dark now. I have to admit, I'm anxious about all this, but I had to do something to shake things up.
Here are other things I'd LIKE to say. I welcome opinions on whether they would be beneficial:
* If my W gives some BS like "You said it's over, so it's over" I'd like to reply with "W, you've given no indication you're interested in saving our M, so yes, I'm done. We're not divorced yet though. If I'm wrong in my impression about what you want, be my guest to try to change my mind." If she sticks to her guns and says "No, no. You said you're done, so that's it" then I come back with "That's what I thought. You're all talk and no action."
* If my W acts all self pitying, I like to say "W, give me a break. Poor you. You can't be with your boyfriend. Your husband doesn't want you anymore. You don't have any money. You only see your kids half the time. You don't know where you'll get health insurance. All direct results of decisions you've made, so spare me the self pity."
I'm working on a project at work that involves two foreign countries. I'm on a conference call yesterday, and I'm informed another country is joining our team. Sure enough, it the country OM lives in. I now react poorly whenever I even hear that county's name, but I thought "No big deal, I'm not going to live the rest of my life avoiding anything to do with that country." Then I hear the city and my heart drops. It's the city OM lives in. I might have to go there for work. My co-workers are all excited about the idea of going, and I'm sitting there in shock. My work is my one refuge from all this crap, and now it just came reaching right in and sucker punched me.
Maybe it happened on purpose to force me to deal with my feelings about all this. It's a SHOCKING coincidence.
I have never been through mediation myself but my attny was also a mediator. Obviously he could not represent me as my attny and mediate between my H and I. I do think though is mediation skills spilled over in the way he practiced law. He was very good at letting me get out the "emotional stuff" and gently steering me back to the task at hand (the legal stuff) without me even knowing it. I would guess that is a skill most mediators have as they know separation/divorce is so emotionally charged.
Looking back on my experience with my attny I can very clearly see how good he was at that. I still felt heard on the emotional stuff but he was excellent at keeping me focused on the legal stuff.
I have had a few friends go through mediation and they all had very positive experiences even though the situation was difficult and unpleasant (divorce/separation). When I say it was a positive experience for them, I mean the mediator really helped them stay focused on the tasks at hand.
Strange development today. I had made plans to bring the kids to the local college basketball game, so I texted my W last night to request that I pick up the kids a half hour early so we can get to the game on time. She replied that it was okay. Last week I brought the kids to a game, they were thrilled, and I went with some friends, including a woman and her teenage daughter who doded over my young girls the whole time. We had a great time, and I'm sure they kids told their Mom all about it.
So today I go to pick up the kids, and my W is very nice and informs me that she and her friend are going to the game too. She asked where we'd be sitting so she could come by and say hi. I told her I wasn't sure where my seats were, which was true at the time. I didn't acknowledge that she said she'd come by to say hi. I just gathered up the kids and their stuff and left.
I was going to the game with the same group of friends, but we weren't all sitting together. I had my kids off in a section by ourselves. Sure enough, a little while into the game, I get a text on my phone. It's not even from my W, it's from her friend. She said my W forgot her phone, but they wanted to know if we were at the game. This is a Div I game, with about 25,000 in attendance, so it's not like she could just scan the crowd. I was annoyed that they were intruding on my time with my kids, but I hate being rude, so I replied and said we were there. They sent back a message asking where we were sitting. At that point I was getting really annoyed. I just ignored the message for the whole first half and through halftime. I thought if I replied after the second half is underway, they'd get the hint that I didn't want their company. No luck. I sent a three word reply saying what section we were in, and a little while later there they were. They were sitting at the complete other side of the stadium, so they walked all the way over. They didn't ask if it was okay to come by, they just did.
I said hi when she walked up, then bye when she left, nothing else. Just watched the game, didn't look at her. My son sat with me the whole time, the girls went to get hugs. My W was all smiles and friendly, scoping out the situation. I can't believe she was spying on me. Unbeknownst to her, we were there with the same friends, but they were sitting in a different section.
So now she's spying on me? This just gets wierder and wierder.
I don't think you seriously think it is THAT wierd eh?
It's par for the course. Read advice from Gucci, Robx, Steve, and to a lesser extent Puppy and they'll forecast this outcome for you waaaay in advance.
No one likes someone else touching what they consider still theirs. Doormats are no exception.
Well done btw, and good luck!
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
So now she's spying on me? This just gets wierder and wierder.
not at all. she wanted to know if this woman was prettier than her. normal, typical, expected reaction.
I think it is time you set up a one on one social interaction on a evening where you would need to ask your wife to switch nights with the kids (that is they cant sleep at your place and you will have to pick them up late in the afternoon the next day). Come over dressed to kill and flirt abit but then run out the door. Magic 8 ball says your cell phone will be ringing all night long.
