I think you missed my point or I didn't express it in a clear fashion. You can get excited about whatever you want but the way you express yourself (at least in writing, via this message board medium) comes across as very childlike.
I see your point.
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To be blunt, you are a grown man and your W left you and has had multiple affairs. To be excited about spending a day with a woman that has zero respect for you, bosses you around and only is nice to you when she needs something is beyond my understanding. Honestly, I don't get being excited about a phone for several days but that is just me. I don't think you were so much excited about your phone, you were excited your W was showing interest in something you had.
I was actually excited about my phone, but also excited about showing it to her. I don’t know why I was excited about showing her either. It really makes no logical sense to be excited about showing something to someone that treats me this way.
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Your W likes to be in control. When she doesn't get her way she stomps her feet and acts like a first class b*tch. This is where you can really change the dynamic but I think you are afraid of ticking her off and she knows that so her b*tchy behavior continues. You set one boundary, she doesn't like it so you just drop it. You still seem to be in the mindset that setting boundaries will make things worse as far as the M goes but they will make things better for YOU.
Setting boundaries seems to mean avoiding her and moving on with my life without her in it until she decides to have a change of heart. Is this right?
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Stop sharing anything with her unless it has to do with parenting. I really don't know how else to advise you.
For the most part, I really don’t share anything with her outside of parenting. I just did with the phone.
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Three days before T-day my H texted me thanking me for a pkg of documents I sent him. I ignored him and did not respond. On T-day he texted me wishing me a happy T-day which I also ignored and did not respond to. About 10 days ago he came by to pick up his flatscreen tv which I put in the hall and was kind enough to stand out there with the tv until he arrived. He was so rude it was almost comical. I smiled and was as happy as ever, made no small talk and once the tv was safely in his possession I told him to have a fantastic night, smiled at him like I was in a toothpaste commercial and went inside. I have not heard from him since. OH WELL!
I have zero interest in his obligatory holiday texts. He is no longer part of my life, my family nor is he my friend. The night before our separation became final he called me begging me to trust him, he would never turn his back on me again and he was going to "make this right". LOL! WAS script at its finest. One holiday text hardly is "making things right" and he is the master at BS and he and I BOTH know it.
He wanted out of the M well he got it. Nobody gets both. The loyal and loving LBS and the GF on the side. Your W shouldn't get both either.
I guess I have allowed her to have both to much. I see all of your points.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
It's very difficult to view our own situations with a clear view because we are directly involved. Outsiders (me, you and everybody else that posts to him) can see things in a different way as we are not emotionally invested in the same way Kevin is.
I can openly admit I do get frustrated at Kevin because the same advice is doled out frequently but rarely is it applied. I also get frustrated at Kevin ( and this is projection my part which I know is unfair) because I know what I went through before I really stood up to my H. I would up in the hospital so riddled with anxiety I could barely function. For almost 18 months I had people 2x4 me and I simply figured I knew a better way to handle a WAS (clearly I did not, lol!). I spent so much time worrying about my WAS I forgot about me. A hospital stay will wake you up. I never want that to happen to anybody. Ever.
Its hard to be a hard a$$ with someone you love, married, and share children with. Especially when you weren't the one who wanted the D. I get that and sympathize with you Kev, but does it make it right to continue to be treated this way? NO. My exh was diagnosed by two different therapists as sociopath. Its all about him, and what is best for him, his schedule, his time.
There are alot of strong people on this board giving you advice. I am self admitted weak. Its a daily process and not easy at all to change. Three steps forward and two steps back my friend!
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
I agree, making these changes is one of the hardest things any of us will ever do in our lives. And I also loved my husband of ten years very much.
We can only learn from ourselves and the experiences of others. I wish to the high heavens I would have worked on making small changes (and I am speaking about how I dealt with my WAS in an affair) daily instead of waiting for one big change to happen.
Had I done that I may have not become so ill and my life could have been better a long time ago.
I learned in the very hardest way that if you make small changes daily/weekly instead of waiting for one BIG sweeping change to happen (and they usually never do) you will get stronger and stronger and be less vulnerable to the crap a WAS pulls.
I could write novels about what my WAS did but instead I choose to focus on what *I* can do, for me and my present and future.
Nobody has to listen to anybody.. message boards are set up to be conversational with free flowing opinions and viewpoints. I learn so much from reading other threads and maybe every once in a while what I post can spark an idea for somebody.
To quote you again Gucci - It's a simple yes or no question.
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He also doesn't stand up to you and others does he?
Y or N
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Think there may be a connection?
Y or N
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I can openly admit I do get frustrated at Kevin because the same advice is doled out frequently but rarely is it applied.
My point exactly..
So why continue to do what isn't working? It isn't working to keep giving Kevin 2x4's. Most all admit that. Why not stop doing what isn't working? Or doesn't that apply to helping others?
I find it fascinating that many KEEP on telling Kevin to do the very things they can't stop doing with Kevin. Which is to stop that which isn't working...
He also doesn't stand up to you and others does he?
Think there may be a connection?
I think some people are just more passive by nature. I am one of them. I hate conflict and will avoid it if I can. Its a tough place to be and some things that work for some peoples situations don't work for others. Different BS, different, WS, different dynamics altogether. I get 2x4'd alot on this board, and probably for good reason but when I step away from the computer and have to deal with exh I take what everyone says with me and do my best. It may be frustrating to some when we don't do what is needed, but that is why we are here isn't it? For help and support. I appreciate it all!
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Okay, you asked. This is why I view as childlike. You W IM'd you and you asked how to handle it. Fine. We all need some suggestions from time to time on how to deal with a WAS.
IMO you should have waited at least an hour before you responded. Once again she disturbed you at work and didn't even offer you an apology for doing so. You jumped at the chance to do her a favor when she was clearly unwilling to do the same favor for you LAST NIGHT!
I didn’t want to reschedule my appointment tonight. But like I said, I realize that from time to time I will need favors from her when it comes to the kids. So I agreed to do this tonight.
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By waiting an hour or so to respond a few things could have happened... (A) she would see you don't jump when she contacts you especially while you are at work (B) you would have read the varied opinions on how to handle this and perhaps done things different and (C) perhaps she would have wondered why you took so long to respond.
It's a Friday night and you are a single man. In the future tell your W if she needs a favor on a night you are not scheduled to have the children, especially a WEEKEND night, you require advance notice as your child free weekends are jammed pack.
The thing is that I can’t always give her advanced notice either when it comes to having to stay late at work. Sometimes I have no choice and I need to be able to rely on her to get the kids that night. My bosses aren’t always understanding when it comes to meeting deadlines that they sometimes ridiculously set knowing it will be difficult to meet them.
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I would also tell her that she is not to disturb you at work unless there is a true emergency with the children.
That is definitely some boundary setting.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I am not sure what you mean about Kevin standing up to me. He asked on another thread for my opinion so I gave it to him. He can take it or leave it, either way I responded because he asked me to. One response sort of leads to a conversation and I was under the impression we were just sharing opinions and ideas.
Sure, our opinions differ greatly but differing opinions can challenge both of us to think. I view this as a forum for advice and support but I don't read one thread where we don't challenge each other. I like that.
