MEN HATERS! unless they are putting out I would quit talking to them if I was you. Are they the source of all your confusion?
LOL! I use them to try to gain insight into my W's state of mind. They are definitely not man haters, but they do show me exactly what WAW's say about their M and H. I know I'm only getting their side. I don't know about your experience, but at my age, the vast majority of single women are WAWs. I did meet one woman who was the LBS of a WAH. She was very wounded, but what I'm finding is that WAWs are just as wounded, just in a little different way.
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I read through your posts and I see:
I am done with this marriage / I am going to give her a paper on how divorce affects children
I am done with this marriage / hopefully I can get her to work on this marriage
I am done with this marriage / I just need to work a bit on the loving stance.
I have to ask you do you feel confident about your "plan"? and whats this future?
I am not done with this marriage, but I felt I needed to take that stance to create crisis in my W. That seemed to be what drew her toward me in the past, so I swung for the fence. I don't know how I feel about my plan. I know I needed to do something different. I've made it clear here that I am in unfamiliar territory, and I am unsure of what I'm doing. That's why I come to this board.
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Your loving gestures and stance has not worked over the past two years. Wouldnt you think that by attempting it now, after "the email" requesting separation/divorce/financial protection whatever you want to call it, your wife is going to view it as contradictory to what you are trying to convey? maybe even desperate?
I share three little kids with this woman. For me to give her a piece of paper with a drawing our daughter made for her is hardly desperate. It's showing her that I know we are still co-parents to our kids. I thought it would help convince her that I am moving on, that I'm not emotional about these things any more. I'm trying to treat them as just matter of fact now. I thought a valid strategy is to create confusion in the WAWs mind. That's one thing I'm trying to do. It sure as h*ll worked on me this year.
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You dumped her! Stop pursuing her! The key to making this work is she needs to turn around and begin pursuing you!
I'm not pursuing her. Other than to deal with minimal child issues, and this issue with her waterlogged stuff in the basement, I haven't communicated with her in any way since I sent my message.
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She gave up! She is following the best advice. When someone dumps you, move on. Stop talking with them; lose the emotion connection asap. If you dont mirror her I think your plan is destined to fail.
You're right, she is doing the right thing, because it has me wondering. I disagree she lost the emotional connection, because otherwise she'd have no problem going to the house to get her stuff.
But you're right, I am too worked up over all this. I need to just live my life. I understand you're trying to get me to actually be and feel what I'm trying to portray to my W. I'm working on it. Like I've said many times, if it weren't for our three kids, I would be just fine. When I don't have the kids, I'm living a fun single life. But when I get them, I start to long for my W and my family life back. I'm not sure how to get over that.
How can SHE be the one who's heartbroken? This is crazy! Is she really putting this on me, that I'm the one who ended our M?
Actually, she dumped you when she had the A and moved out of the house. You are finally responding correctly (IMHO) to that event. You are not ending the M, she is (by living elsewhere and continuing the A, she was still in that process)! You are just separating officially, to protect yourself. Who knows who will be the one serving the D papers?! That's a long ways away.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Nothing bad happened. Being in the house makes her feel the loss of the life we built. We picked out the house together, we got married, we had three kids there. It's filled with memories for her, and it's very hard for her to be there now. It's hard for me too, and unfortunately for me, I LIVE there.
She has come to the house briefly to stand in the entry way to pick up the kids, but the last time she was really in the house was back in September when she went in to clear more of her stuff out. She was in a lot of emotional pain. I came in and could see how much she was hurting. After a while she asked me to sit down in the living room. She started reminiscing about our memories there, good memories of us and the kids. When I heard that I really thought our M had a chance. As she left, she said she's just realized how hard it must be for the kids to be there without her. I just nodded.
So when she says she can't handle being in the house, she means it's too emotionally painful. I think she's being a little over dramatic, but that's her.
Actually, she dumped you when she had the A and moved out of the house. You are finally responding correctly (IMHO) to that event. You are not ending the M, she is (by living elsewhere and continuing the A, she was still in that process)! You are just separating officially, to protect yourself. Who knows who will be the one serving the D papers?! That's a long ways away.
Thanks BeingMe, it's great to hear someone else say that.
F, thanks for answering about the house. I agree with BeingMe and wanted to say the same thing. Still working from the same post here.
Originally Posted By: futureunknown
Since most of the stuff in the basement is yours, I don't think it's fair for me to slave down there for hours dealing with all the waterlogged stuff. I think you should help clear it out.
If those are the exact same words you used then you went about it the wrong way. It sounds like you're trying to emotionally blackmail her. i.e. "Poor me, you left your crap lying around and now I have to clean it up. It's not fair! You should do it..."
Then when you pushed with the "What do you mean not now?"... it triggered her own emotional blackmail response... I can't go in that house again. I can't handle it. i.e. Poor me... and then SLAP!!! ... You said we're separated and we're done, then we're separated, and we're done. I dunno how many times I've to said this on the board: Anything you say or do can and will be used against you... Guaranteed! That my friend is what is called MANIPULATION and your W is extremely GOOD at it. That's what MC's do don't they? Use your own words against you to dig deeper into the meaning behind them. To get you to doubt your own motives and discover your intentions.
If you want to hire someone to go in and clear it out, I'll contribute to that. Have a couple of pro's come in. Get them to salvage whatever they can. When they're done, get her stuff sent to her with a note: "Thought you might still want some of this." What you send should not be anything to create guilt or put pressure on her. Make it a friendly gesture. It'll get her thunking...
No anger, no attitude at all. Just a tinge of sadness. That sadness is slightly encouraging. It may be the beginning of a little remorse. I dunno... don't try read too much into it.
What is going on with her? She is not responding how I'm expecting. Don't have any expectations.
Originally Posted By: futureunknown
Again I'm worried I've pushed her away for good. Is she just so good at playing this game? Didn't sound like a game on the phone. She sounded sad, but accepting of the situation. How can SHE be the one who's heartbroken? This is crazy! Is she really putting this on me, that I'm the one who ended our M?
You're trying to mindread. You don't know what she's thinking. If she's accepting of the situation maybe she's going to start regretting her actions. Let her wallow in self-pity for a while. Let her think it's over. You wanted the CRISIS... this is part of it. Just like your own mind is your worst enemy, so is hers. Her sadness is a signal of her questioning if this was all worth it.
Later on in the game... after your mediation and before you sign the papers you can throw her a bone. In the meantime you let her wallow in sadness and hope that it grows into regret. You're not even half-way through this process yet.
Patience grasshopper. This is a mindgame. She's good at it... but you're getting better.
Oh, and if you're wondering how I come up with all this SH!T... my mother is an professional emotional blackmailer (I had 28 years of that crap until I put my foot down on it... and she STILL manages to get me sometimes.) And my W is a psychologist. I often joked to friend that I was her guinea pig... I don't do that anymore.
Thanks Gnosis. For the first time, I am holding the line. I have to think of this as a long term strategy. One thing I've learned through this is that I HAVE TIME! My natural impulse is to fix now, now, now, but after one year of this, I've learned patience. If we're still in play one year after she moved out, had an A, endless turmoil, why should I fear this is the end?
I really could use some peace in my life too, so just falling back and letting time go by doesn't sound so bad.
I've been reading a lot of your thread and with the exception of a few thinkgs it is soo similar to my situation.
Keep moving forward and holding those lines. I'm learning about that now. I want hope that things for me can work out and you are giving me some. You've had a lot of great advice given to you.
Just got done reading your thread, and yes, our situations do sound very similar. Mine is about 6 months further along, so hopefully my experience can help you.
My W was COMPLETELY infatuated with OM by the time I found out about her A. I know my W, and there was no way she wasn't going to pursue it at that point. In your case, I'm not sure just how involved your W is with her two OM's. IMO, if there are two of them, neither one can mean all that much to her. More like amusements and distractions and ego boosters. This is a good thing, as she probably isn't as far gone. I think if you gave her a good enough reason, she'd drop those OM's.
I agree with the advice you're getting, you need to get your W to respect you again.
