Let go, stop making your choices contingent on what XH may or may not do, and make a great life for yourself.
The last two parts of this I have down (it is only the recent question of friendship that I was contemplating, and I can clearly see that I am not ready/strong enough for that).
Let go... what exactly does that mean? It isn't Stop missing him and the old marriage. It isn't Stop loving him.
What is it, then? Being happy that he is happy, wishing him well in his life while I go about mine? Being unaffected by anything he says or does? (How do you do that if you still love and miss someone? - just pretend and don't say anything?)
So many times I have thought I Let Go, only to find myself back here from time to time.
Funny thing is, I am sure that I Let Go of my sister. She makes contact when she is comfortable, and I am always happy to hear from her; I don't take it personally if long stretches of time go between. She has at times lashed out at me, and I try to understand and forgive. I love her and always will. But her absence doesn't have me in this state...no one and nothing's absence has ever had me like this, and I have lost both my parents young.
Maybe I just have to get this out every now and again...feeling better, anyway. Kids are home, S14 just danced the tango with me across the kitchen just cause he wanted to. He is off to scouts tonight, and D and I will be at the pet store. Her little guppy tank has run out of guppies, just about, and she wants to replace them with some fire-bellied toads. It is a reward for how much she worked on her room on Saturday (although she did it all without the promise of a reward, which is even better).
I'm kind of pissed at myself that I spent so much useless energy today - I didn't get as caught up with work as I wanted to, which was the original reason for staying home. I'll buckle down tonight while D watches her new froggies.
Donna...I love your questions and I wish I had some sage answer for you because then I would have one for me too
what helped me move past my ex was the thought that maybe just maybe he wasn't who I thought he was
(it was easier for me because he really wasn't however...that recognition was a hard won battle for me)
If I recognize that he wasn't who I thought he was then I could mourn for the relationship I thought I had had all the dreams that went with it because it isn't just the reltaionship that was lost
what hurts more is all the plans all the growing old all the time that was lost
and I can beat myself up relentlessly over mistakes I made how I could have handled things differently
it is a loss a death it is OK to mourn for that
i knew I could never be friends with my exes i didn't like them they were unkind to me
not the kind of people I want in my life
doesn't mean I want them to splatter on the pavement or feel intense pain (well not anymore) but it was a choice like OT said
i chose not to be friends I also was friends with mutual friends of ours that I let drift away too
they weren't bad people it was just a choice I made
it makes me feel more powerful to know it is my choice to feel the deliberate movement
maybe you will not get to the place you want ot be with him that doesn't make you unsuccessful or a failure it just means it isn't possible
which isn't helpful, I know
I am int he most wonderful amazing relationship better than I had ever even known to dream my ex was a sociopath and still there is loss and regret and pain
it is what it is it means OUR feelings were not fake we felt what we felt and we felt deeply
maybe accepting that will help a bit
(or I am just hopped up on cold medicine and made no sense...sorry)
((Donna)) Would you like to borrow my SuperBoots? Last year, during the holidays, I remember feeling so much conflict. Our mutual friends became "His" friends, I had no contact at all w/ in-laws (wierd) and the little girl in me just wanted Santa to come make it all better. Putting on my Big Girl boots helped most days.
What are your holiday plans? Sounds like you might need to GAL a bit.
If you are meant to reconcile, what does it matter if you do that next week, or next month?
I have started to reconcile with a few folks who got thrown under the bus during last year's D saga. Not all of them, mind you...some aren't worth the trouble. But a couple of them are.
Also, I've made a couple of new friends. I'm looking forward to celebrating the holidays with them, too.
Hope tomorrow is a better day. Here in Portland it's 27 degrees and I'm freezing my butt off. Time to put on my Boots.
Thanks, guys. Hopefully it was just a dip. Thing is, since it keeps cropping back up, I don't know how much it is that I am stuck or how much is grieving - it is all looking backwards, that I get. Don't know how much is me getting past it most days or just suppressing it. What's that saying? If wishes were horses, then I would ride...
Thank you for the article...I'll re-read it again.
Off to the IC early today (she had a ton of cancellations because of the snow) - I will be going with all of your words (and some from SO's thread by 25 and ST) ringing in my ears. Gratitude and thanks for this place, again.
And for having a snow day!!!! Yes, I blew up what I wanted to get accomplished on Monday, and now I can do it today (while my kids are sledding and making a snowman) - very good turn of events.
OK, I want to get this down before I forget a bunch of it...
Talked with IC today about shutting that damn door. And how I don't (didn't?) want to.
OK, I am three years into this mess. The first year, I just concentrated on survival - literally, staying on the planet. Next year, tried to "fix" things - miserable results. Third year, finally into grief with periods of trying to go backwards (or running up a down escalator, as the IC put it).
Now, it is time to rebuild. There has been lots of progress on myself, but I have to keep it going. And yes, I got up close and personal with my codependence today.
I have done a lot of the steps (GAL, etc.) and that has helped. I HAVE found that I can be ok on my own, take care of adult responsibilities, along with myself. What has been missing...? The way I explained it in IC was this: There is still this big hole. I don't feel the contentment, the happiness and joy, that I felt when x loved me. Having that one person reject me, act that this other person is better and more deserving of his love, time and attention...I felt that I would never have that feeling of being complete and happy again in my life, without him. I have been afraid to close the door, thinking that it would also mean I would be here at "just ok" for the rest of my life. So much of my self-esteem, my being in the world, was wrapped up in him (know the song, "Because you loved me" ?) It has fueled my illogical attachment, my longing for him and continued hatred for his girlfriend. If he had died before I got the bomb, I think I would have been fine by this point - going on without all of this inner turmoil. But he is still alive and well - and I just have to accept that he has rejected me for another. No amount of begging, reasoning, or waiting is going to change that fact. Most likely, he doesn't even think about his former life with me much or at all - I have been put behind him. That is the sticking point, and it is something that I can do absolutely nothing about.
So, I am tired of being this way - I want that feeling back, contentment, and realize that there has to be another way that DOES NOT include my x anywhere in the picture. I want to be content, feel whole in my life again, not like I am just going through the motions.
She said it is time to close the door, for good. That there ARE other ways to have what I want back in my life, but leaving the door open is making sure that I will never be able to be open to any new thing that enters my life - it will just be me standing at an open door, and living with the emptiness. The emptiness is still going to be there, but will get smaller with time. (Hey, I did say something about it being a matter of time, didn't I?) It is still scary to close the door - and IC said it is time to take on things that are scary. Get out of my comfort zone, push myself. OT, I think it was you who said once that I seemed to be comfortable in my own misery at this point; at least it was familiar.
Hard work ahead: Attract new friends that don't know a thing about my married life. Develop a stronger body (which helps become stronger emotionally). Maybe get a book club together, or a single's group (there is nothing that I could find that wasn't an hour away). Focus on my artistic expression again - pull that sketchbook out. Hold a one-time class in my new studio. I look at my GAL activities, and they have all been pretty safe.
I was so comfortable in my previous life. I had my group of friends - most if not all that I shared with my x; many were his sibs. I didn't have to push outside of what I knew best - x's strengths complimented my own, so he took care of all the things I didn't know or care much about. IC told me the story of the two trees standing side by side with their roots interwoven - but that they were still two, separate trees, not one leaning on the other. I told her it seemed scary, and sad, to not have that level of sharing, that co-dependence. But then she said, "Co-dependence is all an illusion, anyway! What happened to you? One of the trees up and walked away, planted in another garden! And there you are, still standing! YOU have to believe it!"
Time to get uncomfortable. Build on what I have been able to accomplish and surprise myself with (me, haggling with building tradesmen and not getting taken advantage of? Who would have thought?)
Essentially, I have to rewire my brain. Issues and beliefs that go back to childhood. X was the first person who really showed me that I was lovable and worthwhile. I now have to prove that to myself; his is just another in a long line of those who have let me down.
Keeping to my schedule for housekeeping (and other time-related tasks) has been off to a good but not perfect start. I have been too ready to "stay comfortable" and try to blow things off when it is time to deal with a responsibility. More to get uncomfortable with.
Now, I know that so much this is what many here have been trying to tell me for a long, long time. I think that I am able to finally hear it, process it.
This may be far away from what this forum is really for, but I hope that maybe something that I wrote might be of some use to anyone else...
Sounding good Donna. And, this is precisely the point of this forum, I should think.
BTW, I started to suggest that you might find my post to mbw helpful, but then I stopped because I didn't think you'd be able to see why. But, now after your new post, I think perhaps you might find it helpful after all...
Happy New Year! Year 1, Dynamic Donna's Amazing Life
Write a letter to myself about what I am missing and needing? Not sure exactly, but I am guessing you are more likely pointing out that my current "empty feeling" has more to do with myself and less to do with my x.
I get that - it's the whole co-dependence/illusion thing.
