my W doesn't regret her affair

[Gnosis]

I'm sorry Future. Wish I had words of comfort to offer.

I told her about the basement flood and all the stuff being ruined, much of which is her old books from years ago. She was sympathetic and in her calm soothing voice said "H, I'm so sorry, you must be so stressed out."

Not sure about the timing, that sounds like an automatic response to me.

Puppy & Future, I have to disagree with both of you about this:

Manipulating? Possibly. Or maybe she's being RESPECTFUL

None of the above. It probably didn't register on her that most of the stuff was hers. Or she's so completely disconnected and doesn't GAS. I know my W would freak out if her stuff was damaged.

I'd write this off as an automated response due to the fact that she wasn't completely tuned in at the time.

[Gnosis]

ROFLMAO.... Just saw your update.

As for this:

Should I say I expect her to come over to help me clean it up?

Yes, its the right thing to do.

Wording to play with:
"W, I need to get this mess cleaned up ASAP. Would you like to come over and salvage whatever you can tonight? Its important you come and get whatever you can because I won't be held responsible for whatever ends up in the trash."

[futureunknown]

Puppy & Future, I have to disagree with both of you about this:

Manipulating? Possibly. Or maybe she's being RESPECTFUL

None of the above. It probably didn't register on her that most of the stuff was hers. Or she's so completely disconnected and doesn't GAS. I know my W would freak out if her stuff was damaged.

I'd write this off as an automated response due to the fact that she wasn't completely tuned in at the time.

It wasn't just the thing about the stuff being ruined in the basement, it's been her whole demeanor lately toward me. Calm, respectful, no venom, no threats.

[futureunknown]

Just spoke with my W on the phone. Again she was pleasant. Here is how it went:

M: Since most of the stuff in the basement is yours, I don't think it's fair for me to slave down there for hours dealing with all the waterlogged stuff. I think you should help clear it out.
W: Not now, no.
M: What do you mean not now?
W: I can't go in that house again. I can't handle it. You said we're separated and we're done, then we're separated, and we're done. I can't handle going back there. If you want to hire someone to go in and clear it out, I'll contribute to that.

She was calm, and even, and matter of fact in her statement. No anger, no attitude at all. Just a tinge of sadness.

M: (trying to sound cheery, like her stating that we're done is fine with me) I'm not looking forward to dealing with it. It's really bad. I didn't realize you were done getting all your stuff out of the basement.
W: I took what I'm going to take. The rest is garbage. Again, I'll help pay if you want to hire it out, but I can't go back there.

I left it at that. I didn't feel I had any reasonable avenue to push her on it. She offered to pay if I wanted to hire it out. What else could I say that wouldn't sound petty and immature?

What is going on with her? She is not responding how I'm expecting. So now she just gives up and throws in the towel?

Ok, again I'm weak. Again I'm worried I've pushed her away for good. Is she just so good at playing this game? Didn't sound like a game on the phone. She sounded sad, but accepting of the situation. How can SHE be the one who's heartbroken? This is crazy! Is she really putting this on me, that I'm the one who ended our M?

I want to call her back and say "W, don't put this on me. You're the one who had the A and moved out. You're the one who ended our M. I just refused to live in limbo any more. If you wanted to save our M, I made it clear I was open to it. I was looking forward to having fun with you, but you never once showed me in any way that's what you wanted. Just the opposite in fact. Offering that to you after what I've been through took enormous courage, and my offer was met with ambivalence and apathy."

[TrentC]

W: I can't go in that house again. I can't handle it. You said we're separated and we're done, then we're separated, and we're done. I can't handle going back there. If you want to hire someone to go in and clear it out, I'll contribute to that.

Is this what you actually said, or is she rewriting history?

If you didn't say that, you need to call her on it. As you say, it was her choices that led you to this point.

[chatterbug]

Well go through and clean it out. Leave it at that. She is being business like. Detached. So should you. Its her stuff. And in the end its just stuff. Detach and toss it. It will help you.

[futureunknown]

Is this what you actually said, or is she rewriting history?

That's what I said. She responded very angrily at first, now appears to just accept it.

[futureunknown]

Well go through and clean it out. Leave it at that. She is being business like. Detached. So should you. Its her stuff. And in the end its just stuff. Detach and toss it. It will help you.

I don't have any emotional attachment to the stuff. It's just a bunch of junk, and now it's all waterlogged. It's going to be a nasty job, and I thought she should help.

[Steve McQueen]

My friend the WAW actually has two other friends who are WAWs as well who I talk to. I have quite the team of consultants! Anyway, they also have great anger at their divorced or estranged husbands

MEN HATERS! unless they are putting out I would quit talking to them if I was you. Are they the source of all your confusion?

I read through your posts and I see:

I am done with this marriage / I am going to give her a paper on how divorce affects children

I am done with this marriage / hopefully I can get her to work on this marriage

I am done with this marriage / I just need to work a bit on the loving stance.


I have to ask you do you feel confident about your "plan"? and whats this future?

That was my attempt at a loving gesture.

Your loving gestures and stance has not worked over the past two years. Wouldnt you think that by attempting it now, after "the email" requesting separation/divorce/financial protection whatever you want to call it, your wife is going to view it as contradictory to what you are trying to convey? maybe even desperate?

You dumped her! Stop pursuing her! The key to making this work is she needs to turn around and begin pursuing you!

This statement of yours

"it's been her whole demeanor lately toward me. Calm, respectful, no venom, no threats."

She gave up! She is following the best advice. When someone dumps you, move on. Stop talking with them; lose the emotion connection asap. If you dont mirror her I think your plan is destined to fail.

[TrentC]

Is this what you actually said, or is she rewriting history?

That's what I said. She responded very angrily at first, now appears to just accept it.

Well, it's hard to fault her for taking her at your word.

If she says it's junk, then toss it. You can't be faulted for taking her at her word.