Yes, I know I took him for granted big time. I "chased" him for so long and once I finally caught him and he stuck around, I guess I assumed that he was here to stay. I want things to go slow and I know in some respects they aren't exactly slow, but, well, I'm not perfect! It would be a huge adjustment for us and for our son to move back in together, so I don't even want that to be on the table for a while yet.
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
I was supposed to go over to his place Saturday night and he texted me that he was sorry, but he had been nervous all day about me coming over and that nothing's off the table, but he wasn't ready for me to come there yet and he wants to take things slow. I was upset, but tried to hide it and just said ok, I understand. He thought I was mad anyway. I was confused because he and I talked the night before and he was fine.
About 45 minutes later after I had time to think things through rationally I texted him that I was sorry I was short earlier but that I really, really appreciated him being honest with me [this past summer he just pretended nothing happened when he got freaked out and ran back into the tunnel and other times he's just made stupid excuses to me) and that I understood and don't want to rush anything either. Once I thought about it I did realize that him being honest about freaking out about us was a big deal and a huge change and I wanted to let him know it was ok. At the end of my text I said, "friends still?" and he said of course. I have to say that I think I handled this perfectly after my initial shock wore off.
He texted me again later and said he hoped we were more than friends and that he was sorry for freaking out on me. I reassured him I totally understood and that I was happy he was being honest about what he was feeling. He said he was embarrassed about where he lived but he did want me to see it soon. I told him that I didn't care about any of that and if he never wanted me to see it, I'd be ok with it. We talked for a while more and I did end up going over to see him. I made sure he was sure and I told him that I didn't want to go over only to have him get more freaked out the next day. He said he wouldn't.
We had a great time. Goofing around, talking, etc. My son was surprised to see me in the morning and thrilled. I made moves to leave early that morning because I didn't want to infringe on his visitation time or hang around past my welcome, but he kept finding reasons for me to stay.
He started texting me a few hours after my son and I returned home and we texted back and forth for hours. Some steamy stuff... but that was an issue before so it's nice to show him the changes. He hasn't retreated at all. We chat or text every day and it's mostly initiated by him--probably 75%.
All in all, I'm very happy with how things are going. I'm feeling more comfortable around him in person, even though most of our interactions are via texting or the computer. It is nice to be able to have that chance to edit your words before they fly out of your mouth.
One thing I've noticed is that he doesn't bring up a lot of things that were his "reasons" for leaving in the first place. Some things have come up and we've talked about them pretty rationally and he doesn't have that intense "you did this" and "you never did this" thing going on when they start spewing in the beginning to justify what they're doing. It's as if the slate is mostly clean. We've acknowledged stuff so it's not like the elephant in the room, but it's not dwelled on.
I'm still cautiously optimistic. It's been a month now since he actually acknowledged wanting to see if we could work things out and even though he's gotten scared a couple of times, he hasn't run back away. Baby steps, baby steps.
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
This is like dating someone you think is specical, I know I was a wreck when I had my first date with my eventual wife. How she went out with me on that second date after I was a total goof on the first one I will never know.
Ahhh, the second date was awesome. By the way I think you are handling this perfectly, let him alone and do not rush anything, let this be on his timetable, and if he goes back into his "tunnel" just turn away from it, he will come back out, like a little puppy that gets more and more comfortable.
Since it's been so long, it's actually easier to squash down my expectations and to let things flow naturally rather than trying to hurry them up so everything can be "normal" again and we can forget about this whole little hiccup in our marriage. You know, how we all hope our spouses will have an about face and come running back to us after a few weeks of separation.
Journaling some more. We IMed for a while tonight and the conversation got to be about our cats. I have two cats, one of which one was we adopted 14 years ago together (her sister died last winter) and I got a kitten this past summer. He has a 2 year old cat also. Anwyay, he talked about how if our cats were all together we'd have to decide on a consistent feeding schedule/routing. Mine get mostly wet food and his is dry food only--not a big deal in the list of issues to blend households again if it comes to that. But it was nice to hear him talking that way.
He also asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him that honestly the best thing would be for the 3 of us (him, I and our 5 year old boy) to spend some of it together. I put the "some of it" part in there because it's probably too early to jump right back into the whole extended family thing and I'd probably rather not go that far yet myself. He actually said, "I feel the same way....give it to him!!!"
I'm very, very close with his parents still. They've become like another mom and dad to me after this all started and they still go all out for me on Christmas like they did when we were together. We've just been having "covert" get togethers all these years instead of the old Christmas day dinner and gift exchange thing. My family has no ill will towards him either. I've never trashed him to them (that's what this board was for!) so other than them not liking that he hurt me so badly, I know they'd welcome him back with open arms as well if I was happy. But it feels too soon to me right now. We'll see how it unfolds though. It's still 2 weeks away.
Another side topic of the cat conversation that came up, very unexpectedly, was religion. Neither of us come from religious families and have never been religious ourselves. I attended Catholic school through 6th grade, but mostly because my parents didn't like the public school where we lived. When we moved to a more rural area when I was 12 (to the school where I met my H) and I went to public school from then on. We were married in a Catholic church and mass because despite my ambivalence about religion, I always envisioned a Catholic wedding for myself (maybe all those years of Catholic school... ) and anything else didn't feel like it would be "real". My H isn't Catholic (baptized Methodist), but went along with my wishes for our wedding.
Tonight when we were talking about our cat that died last year, I said that it was hard to explain death to our son (then 4) without any religious base. Our son hasn't even been baptized. I always planned to have him baptized Catholic, but the Bomb came when he was 6 weeks old and it was the furthest thing from my mind back then so it never happened. So, tonight he said, "Then let's take him!", meaning take him to church. I told him that was the last thing I ever expected to hear from him but he said as long as he had some say in it that we should go. He asked if I wanted to be Catholic. I told him I technically was but I wasn't set into only one denomination. He said something about all the kneeling in a Catholic mass and I made a risque joke about that and he said, "I'm trying to pick our religion and your mind is on sex! Though I like that!" The "our religion" part was another nice validation of his current intentions.
Boy, am I long winded! I come here to get this all out though because absolutely no one in my real life knows anything about this. I don't want to get any of our families' hopes up or get ahead of myself. But if I keep all this inside I mind goes every which way.
For now I'm taking it day by day and am grateful for what I have at this moment. There are times when I feel my wall and porcupine quills come up (a good example was last week when he canceled the Saturday night plans because he was freaked out), but then I try to remind myself all the reasons I want our relationship to work out and for us to be an intact family and try to figure out what to say or do based on that being the goal. It was that line of thinking last Saturday that made me let him know that I was sorry for being short with him and appreciated his honesty and left him with the "friends still?" low key white flag. And dammit, it worked that time!
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
I just went over your thread and things seem to be going very well.
I have to agree with Hope though please take it slow. It can be a very confusing time for both of you as there are still things within each of you that are being worked on.
I will keep reading your posts.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Journaling--We're still maintaining the status quo here, which is good, IMO. We have contact every day, usually initiated by him--probably 75% of the time. I do contact him sometimes if I haven't heard from him, but never 2 days in a row.
He came here and spent the evening/night on Saturday with us. Our son was thrilled and made him promise he would spend the night. He did and was awakened by a 5 year old singing in his room at the top of his lungs, "There was a man who had a dog and Bingo was his name-o..." Only when you're 5 do you wake up at the crack of dawn and start singing like that!
It was H's birthday on Sunday so it was nice to be the first one to tell him happy birthday. It was very hard to figure out what to get him. I haven't bought him presents in years and years and Hallmark doesn't seem to have a line of greeting cards for estranged husbands who might be returning from outer space. LOL Sappy cards were always our things. We both always took the time to pick out cards that meant something in what they said, but I knew it wasn't the point yet for sappy and mushy. In the end I got him a flirty card referencing frosting and a bottle of cologne. He left late morning. I texted him last night saying I just wanted to tell the birthday boy good night. He thanked me again and said he loved the boy perfume (what our son called it) and we chatted for a bit more.
As always I start getting antsy the next day after we spend time together because I'm still expecting him to bolt back into the tunnel. He did text me tonight to say hi though (whew, no runaway H yet). He said he had a horrible day at work and was sorry he was feeling so crabby and didn't want to take it out on anyone, especially me. I told him I understood and that I hoped his day was better tomorrow. We texted back and forth a bit more.
I'm grateful that he thought and wanted to say hi to me even though he was in a rotten mood. He's the one that would always take my mood personally when it had nothing to do with him, but other than it making me sad that someone I care about feels rotten, I don't take it personally if it doesn't have anything to do with me. He kept apologizing for being in a bad mood (which doesn't come through in texts really anyway...) but it means more to me that he reached out to me anyway.
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
Things really do sound like they are going well Freckle.
Very good job at validating H's feelings.
Yes only a Five year old would wake up singing! One of My 5 year old grandsons is Autistic and he wakes up humming last years Christmas songs still. I am waiting for him to get a new set of songs humming here. Should be soon though thier concert at school is this week.
JAK
Last edited by JoJo's circus; 12/15/0908:31 PM.
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
