Was having a great night. On Sunday the kids and I and other friends went to a tree farm and cut down a beautiful Christmas tree. Got it in the stand last night, and tonight the kids and I decorated it. Was fun, and the kids were excited. Was a little emotionally tough breaking out all the ornaments and Christmas stuff, and particularly biting to see my lone stocking, as my W took all the others when she cleared out her stuff (I didn't know it at the time, or I might have objected). I even listened to the Christmas music I thought I'd never listen to again, as it was the music my W and I listened to and danced to last Christmas, on the last night we slept in the same bed. So I was doing well and feeling good.
Went into the basement to put the Christmas decoration boxes away and noticed one whole corner of the basement was flooded. Boxes upon boxes of stuff are ruined, and it's a big mess. I don't know where the water is even coming from. The sump pump is fine. I think the drainage tiles in that corner must be clogged up, which is BAD NEWS.
On top of that, I grab one box of stuff of papers from when my W and I bought this house, and I find a letter from OM to my W from 18 years ago, which is five years before I even met her. I don't know if that was their last contact until last year. The letter wasn't romantic at all, but it was long, and very personal. Clearly the letter meant something to her, as she kept it, although it was just tossed in with a bunch of other meaningless papers. I do know from intel that they hadn't been in contact for a LONG time before last year, so perhaps that letter was their last contact.
So now my good mood went to pure crap. I just snapped at my son. I hate being in mood like this.
Ok, back to business. I need to see my W to hand off our youngest daughter tomorrow morning. I struggle with how to behave. I guess I was planning on being pleasant, discussing whatever child issues need to be discussed, then making a hasty exit. Sound good?
Oh yeah, and on top of that, while I getting out the Christmas stuff, I stumbled upon an article my W photocopied years ago, probably for her academic work. It's an article on how new research is revealing how the damage children suffer from divorce is much deeper than previously thought. I have the urge to hand it to my W tomorrow morning and say "I found this while getting out the Christmas ornaments last night. Thought you might be interested." I know that's futile and would only make her angry. God forbid adademic research disagrees with her assessment that the children are better off with our family broken apart.
With that out of the way I'd like to ask you another question:
If you had a choice would you prefer your WAW be indifferent with you or angry?
From my side, I'd much rather have an angry W... because anger is an emotion and it means there is some feeling left inside the alien. Indifference or apathy is surefire death. Honest confession here... I sometimes push Mrs Gno's buttons on purpose just to check if she's still alive... if you know what I mean. I do that because I know if she can generate that much passion with anger, then the opposite still hold true.
I agree entirely, I much prefer anger. That's why I was so happy at her reaction to my e-mail last week. Clearly I can still invoke some strong feelings in her, and all I did was say I was done with our M, the M she threw away!
My friend the WAW actually has two other friends who are WAWs as well who I talk to. I have quite the team of consultants! Anyway, they also have great anger at their divorced or estranged husbands, and as far as I can tell, it's not always a good thing. The four of us actually had quite the conversation last week about whether you can passionately hate someone you don't love, ignoring violent hatred that is, like for someone who hurt your child or something.
Another story I think about is our former nanny. She is a bit of an emotional wild child (but great with our kids), and she got pregnant from her boyfriend a couple years ago. He immediately dumped her, and she went through the pregnancy and birth alone. She vicerally hated him. She had to bring him to court to try to compel him to pay child support, and she ended up nearly physically attacking him in court, when he implied that she was an unfit mother and that he should get custody of the child. Know what? After her son was about a year old, this young messed up kid finally came around and asked her if he could be involved in his son's life. Pretty soon they were back in love, happy as can be, and are now engaged to be married. When I think about anger, I think about her.
Thanks everyone for sticking with me. I think I'm in for quite a ride.
Handoff this morning went fine, but it was emotionally brutal on me. My W was still in bed when my daughter and I arrived, so she was sleepy and disheveled when she came to the door. I always thought my W looked beautiful when she got out of bed, and this morning was no exception.
She was very nice to me, so I guess the venom has stopped. I gave a few quick updates on the kids status, and I told her about the basement flood and all the stuff being ruined, much of which is her old books from years ago. She was sympathetic and in her calm soothing voice said "H, I'm so sorry, you must be so stressed out." She has that voice that is of course her main tool to use in her MC sessions. Even after all these years, I just don't get how underneath that warm soothing exterior there is such a manipulative selfish person.
Our older daughter made her a very nice picture with a caption saying what an great mommy she is, and how much she loves her mommy. It was sitting in my kitchen this morning, so I grabbed it and brought it to my W as well. She said thanks, but didn't really look at it. That was my attempt at a loving gesture.
Finally, my W told me she taking the kids out of town this weekend, I'm sure to a special Christmas place she and I have discussed bringing them for a couple years now. That hit my heart a bit as well. I'd been thinking of bringing the kids there myself, but hadn't made a plan yet. I know that if I hadn't sent that e-mail, she would have likely asked me to go along. Yes, that would just be a continuation of her cake eating, but part of me does really long to go with them. I keep thinking about what Gnosis asked "Are you really happy with what your W is giving you?" and my answer is still "No."
She was very nice to me, so I guess the venom has stopped. I gave a few quick updates on the kids status, and I told her about the basement flood and all the stuff being ruined, much of which is her old books from years ago. She was sympathetic and in her calm soothing voice said "H, I'm so sorry, you must be so stressed out." She has that voice that is of course her main tool to use in her MC sessions. Even after all these years, I just don't get how underneath that warm soothing exterior there is such a manipulative selfish person.
Manipulating? Possibly. Or maybe she's being RESPECTFUL to you, since you've begun to stand up for yourself.
Puppy, I don't think she was manipulating this morning. I was speaking in general. She just woke up! That would be pretty good to be all ready to manipulate right after waking up.
I believe she is being respectful. No venom, helpful, sympathetic comments. She wasn't being a brat at all. The W I used to live with would have thrown a little fit, saying "Now all my books are ruined! I hate this house! Why can't we get the water in the basement fixed!" then blame me for it all. Now she said "Don't worry about the books, I don't want them anyway."
She is so good at putting up a calm exterior, like she is totally fine with everything. I've been shocked this year when we finally have a conversation about us, and she says how much of a trainwreck she is inside, and is barely making it through each day. When I see her, like this morning, she acts totally fine. I guess we're all good at wearing our armor when we need to.
The majority of the ruined stuff in the basement is hers. It's a big mess that's going to be a very long and miserable job to clean up. Should I say I expect her to come over to help me clean it up? It's her stuff, and she left is strewn all over in the basement. Seems like this would be an opportunity for me to stand up for myself to insist she help me. Comments?
