Young couple in need of help

[sumguy27]

Do you trip all the time? I dont get it.

I don't get it either. If she is talking about me being mad because she is not there for the kids when she has them, then yeah I was "trippin" about it. She didn't care before on what she was doing and didn't care how I felt about it. Why does she now? That is what through me off.

[MrBond]

She says you're "trippin'" to get a reaction from you. That way it seems like you are the one with the problem and not her. Takes the blame off of her.

Plus it makes her happy to be able to control you. So stop doing that.

Just remember these two words. Yes and No.

That's all your conversations should be.

[sumguy27]

So it has been a very long time since I have posted. It was just the same crap all over again. After I took that bait before halloween I just kept on taking more bait. Getting mad, frustrated and sad, I kind of told myself enough of being the victim and plan B.

I have read and read tons and tons on the subject. Only I can make myself happy. We always fought and I always pushed her buttons on why she just won't do the divorce.

I hate hate finding out crap about what she has been doing and who else lives she is ruining. Oh yeah my best friend who rented the place to her. She brought these losers over all the time and BAME my best friends girlfriend of 12 years cheats on him too. Way to go wife. Yes its not my wifes fault but I felt like she influenced her friend my friends girl friend to do what she did. So she is moving out by the first of Dec.

Wow all of that happened since I last posted.

A couple of positive notes. I started going out again. I didn't care anymore of being the victim staying at home all the time worried if I make a wrong move she won't ever come back. So I wen't with friends meet new friends. Meet this other girl shes nice and is a divorcey and has been through what I went through. Just friends which is total cool. I'm not ready for a relationship with anyone.

Some recent event's. My son's brithday party was on the 14th. We had agreed upon celeberating it together at chuck E Cheese. Everything went ok untill he came to me and said he wanted to come home with me. I said no its ok its mommy's week with you and I will see you tomorrow. She throws a fit that I'm not being fair with him, and she can pick him back up after only a couple of hours. I've heard that one before and just kept saying no. Her raising her voice at me, I then just spit back "this is joint custody, this what you want! Not me ok." She then yells just drop it. Wow yeah I know. The following sunday same thing again text fight, calling each other names, yadda yadda.

That was when I said I had it. No contact. It was her brithday on the 20th and I didn't even wish her a happy brithday. I felt like she did not deserve it from me. Didn't talk with her till she picked up the kids sunday. She tried small talk but when the kids got in the car I just walked away got in my car and left.

Monday (yesterday) she text's me if we were going to do my lilo girls party together or seperate. I felt like my son's pary was a joke. Like she was there but not there for him or the family. So I waited till later on the day to respond to her and said I'm throwing her a party and if you feel the need to do one yourself then do it.

W:"That's all I needed to know...when are you doing yours then? And why the hell are you being a dick head wtf did I do to you?

M:5th @ 6

W: fine with me

See I get it now. It really took me a long time. There was 2 baits there and I caught it. I didn't react to both those responses. So I'm just not going to fall for them anymore keep my distance go and have fun meet new people and enjoy of what I have now. If she comes back she comes back. But I noticed she has been trying to get me to fight with her, so its a reminder of why she doesn't want to come back.

I do not want to be plan B. So I'd figure I have to really act or use actions that I'm not going to be waiting anymore. The more I waited the more she kept doing what she was doing and I kept pushing her every week. The less contact I have the more she contacts me.

[cpfullofhope]

It's taken me a long time to get the whole "detach" thing down. I could always do it for a couple of days but then I'd be right back in there telling him everything he was ruining with his actions etc. Good for you for figuring it out. You won't be perfect at it, but it does get easier because you get healthier and you realize it isn't worth it to fight, pursue, blame, etc. It does no good.

[sumguy27]

cpfullofhope I do still back slide. I tried to avoid her at all possible events. Thanksgiving my friend had thrown a party for all the friends. He told me to keep my cool because my wife was coming. I did avoided her didn't want to talk with her at all. Then she iniated contact with me. Asking me to have a drink with her. I was pretty tipsy by then and same arguement happened. Friends came and grabbed me took me outside to cool down.

The past weekend I went to a club event that my friend was spinning. I had a lot of fun. Meet a lot of new girls danced with a few. I didn't even know my wife was there towards the end of the night. While I was standing there talking with some friends, there was a lady friend of mine holding me from behind rubbing my chest and arms right in front of the wife. Obviously the wife starts to taunt me and starts yelling out my nick name. At frist I didn't know who was calling my name. Then I looked and saw her. Again pretty tipsy I walk over to her and we get into it again, asking where her boyfriend was at. (I was in drunk kick assing mode by then) we start yelling at each other and then BAM! I get grabbed by a bouncer and get thrown out.

Yes pretty childish I know. I did learn from one of my boys who was standing next to the wife when I was out having fun said her boyfriend came over and yelled "F U!" Right in her face. The only conclusion I could come up with was she must have spotted me and started to spying on me to check up on what I was doing and wasn't noticing him.

I'm more detached but I do back slide and I do miss and love her lots still. Another painfull thing I have to face now is that I'm getting laid off in a month. At the end of the year they are closing down my department. Guess who works in my department. Just me. So now I'm looking for a new job during Holiday season which is so awesome! yeah right I can't find anything but seasonal jobs and I'm all out of luck. Still trying to keep my head held high.

[sumguy27]

Ok questions. Today had lunch with the wife. Talked about business (kids, insurance etc) and then we got into the R talk. She still says no its not going to work out, and then I suggested for us to just start hanging out together more to see where it goes. For her to just try and if it doesn't work then it doesn't work. She said ok then you can't call me hunny, babe, nie and sweetie. I was like thats fine. She catches herself and says wait no that means that I'm going to lead you on and thinking were going to work out. She was smiling when she said that. I told her the truth about before and I know that her boyfriend popped inside her head. I was like they whole point for us to start hanging out together is to see if we can re spark. We didn't finish our talk but yet she said" I'll stop by your office and talk some more."

What does that mean?

[robx]

it means she's playing you,
it means she's deciding that the relationship will be run by her & her rules, you wrote it out yourself, you don't do this, you don't call me that.

It means she's in control and she can't respect you if she's going to run the show and you in the process.

Why are you pursuing relationship talk with her?

She's going to waffle back & forth, I can guarantee it from her childish, bratty behavior.

You have to stand up to her, you have to tell her that you've had it with that crap, if she wants a relationship with you, she can let you know but you aren't going to tolerate her disrespectful ways and you aren't going to waste your time, energy or love on someone who isn't worth it.

Say all of this.

She will get mad, count on it.

She may even swear at you and walk away but she will know who she is dealing with and she will respect you more because of it.

If you play into her hands, expect to be played.

What was working for you?

Think about it.

You stopped pursuing her, stopped replying to her, kept your responses bried, she had to pursue you for info, you became mysterious, you started going out again, meeting other women, yoiu became more confident, you were in control of yourself again, she did the pursuing.

If you turn around and stop all of this and act like a love sick puppy who misses his wife so much that he'll do anything to get her back, she'll read all of this and she'll know it and how long do you think she'll stick around?

Don't be that guy, she can't respect that guy and you can't respect yourself either for being a wuss.

When she comes to the office to "talk",
tell her that you have some rules of your own after hearing her rules about you not calling her special pet names.

You tell her this,
"I have some rules too, no more swearing, no more name calling, no more crap bratty behavior. Otherwise, I'm just going to leave, I know what I'm worth and I know I can get just as good or better. This isn't a threat, I just know myself better now and I'm not wasting my time anymore."

Let her squirm with that.

If she starts acting bitchy again, tell her you're busy and that you have to get back to work or that you have to go somewhere and if she wants to talk to you some more, she can call you later and she can tell you what she wants to talk about."

Let her work a bit for it, see if she's going to put effort into you or see if she's playing games: you know better now and you don't have to play games unless YOU want to.

Understand?

[MrBond]

It means you're going to stop and talk some more.

Before you do that, you really have to think if it's going to work. If you jump into this now it's going to be doomed to fail. With all the drinking and lack of control you've been showing so far I think you're going to fail.

You need to do alot of maturing on your side. You can't get her to do that, so you are the one who will have to do it. You have to be able to treat her like an adult to a child. It doesn't help when you start acting like a child yourself.

[cpfullofhope]

If there is one thing I have learned over the past year and a half, is that you have to let go and move on before anything will ever work out.

I have run this cycle of detaching for a while and having my H throw a small bit of bait out for me and then I get reeled back in and he totally backs off until I detach again and he get's scared and so on and so on.

It has not been until I have totally let go and said to myself and believed that I will be fine without the marriage if that's what happens. Otherwise they know we are desperate and they hold all the cards.

I know it is hard, but you can't get hung up on her every word or small action that indicates that she might want to work it out. You have to stay detached, work on yourself, and keep going out and having fun (maybe minus the alcohol since it seems to not go well). If/when she changes her actions significantly and makes solid motions towars your marriage, then you can work on the R. First work on you and focus on the kids.

Sorry to hear about the job. That is no fun, but maybe a wonderful new opportunity will present itself. Are you still going to school? It seems like you said something about that a while back.

CP

[sumguy27]

If there is one thing I have learned over the past year and a half, is that you have to let go and move on before anything will ever work out.

I have run this cycle of detaching for a while and having my H throw a small bit of bait out for me and then I get reeled back in and he totally backs off until I detach again and he get's scared and so on and so on.

It has not been until I have totally let go and said to myself and believed that I will be fine without the marriage if that's what happens. Otherwise they know we are desperate and they hold all the cards.

I know it is hard, but you can't get hung up on her every word or small action that indicates that she might want to work it out. You have to stay detached, work on yourself, and keep going out and having fun (maybe minus the alcohol since it seems to not go well). If/when she changes her actions significantly and makes solid motions towars your marriage, then you can work on the R. First work on you and focus on the kids.

Sorry to hear about the job. That is no fun, but maybe a wonderful new opportunity will present itself. Are you still going to school? It seems like you said something about that a while back.

CP

Cupfullofhope,

It seems to be the cycle I am in. We did have our talk and yes it didn't go well. I said I will give you this month of Decemember to really think what's going to happen with the kids and us. I told her I won't bug her and that we will have another talk next year.

I wasn't going to invite her to my daughters party I threw for her this past saturday. Friday night a mutual friend of ours and had text and said she wanted to come but wasn't invited. She had asked me to invite her for the sake of the kids. I wanted to be nice and invited her and said for her to come and be a parent instead of a guest. She said repeatively that if she is coming it doesn't mean we are getting back together and its just for the kids. Its like she always has to convince herself that over and over. I never even mentioned it and told her to stop and just come if she wants too. She came late as usual, stayed for about a 1 hour and half and left.

I wasn't surpised about that at all as the friends wanted her to stay. I did cook 2 of her favorite dishes to see if she would have noticed. Her famous lime, ground pork salad and my pho beef noodle soup.

Yes it is very hard because I do get hung up on every little word or small action she does that throws me off. I really really just have to let go completely and move on with the door open still for her.

And yes I was going to school this year because,....I'm embrassed about this I dropped out of High School back when we were dating. I was going through rough times with my own family. So from the get go, while she was in school I did all her homework, reports, and pushed her to finish highschool while I supported her. I pushed her to go to college and get a career. While the whole time I was working my way up. So it took a lot of out of me to pick myself up when I hit rock bottom to go get my GED.

I'm very proud of myself to have accomplished that for myself for a change. All I have now is hope and have to just face my fears. The fear of letting go and to see that she never comes back. I'm just going to have to walk right through it as there is nothing else I can do.