Separated, new baby, but still hopeful

[newmama]

oh, I should add that I made a hair appt for Wed when he is over here on his day off. I plan to go shopping for some clothes and Christmas presents, then get my hair done. I will return with new hair and shopping bags.

My aunt offered to babysit sometime. So I am trying to find plans.

Also, am still working on moving stuff into the spare bedroom while removing the bed in there...just need someone to watch the baby while I do it or at least I need him to sleep for 45 minutes! I don't know if I want to use my babysitter for that purpose or something more fun! :-)

[newmama]

Made another plan for the 16th and he will be here, so he can see me leave all dressed up, wearing contacts, new clothes, etc. I'm still losing weight every week...down 35 pounds now.

So that same week I will be going out 2 nights! Maybe I will meet a new friend!

[newmama]

Today's update:

I managed to avoid WH most of the time he was here.I told him that I made plans for the 16th and he said "Cool."

I worked out for a full hour, took my time getting ready and found a sexy blouse to wear for the 16th when he will see me leave!

When interacting with WH, I was cheerful, and hummed Christmas songs.Before I left to shop, I put my contacts in.

I had a fine time shopping and returned to see that WH fixed the Christmas decoration I asked him to and had our son all dressed up in his Christmas outfit for a photo like I had asked last week. I made a big deal out of how great the decoration looked and how adorable our son was in his outfit.

WH seemed quiet today. He commented on the Christmas wreath I put up on the door. He also told me that he noticed something I forgot to put on the tree--candycanes. I told him that I didn't know if I'd be decorating the tree with them this year. Before he arrived, I put up more decorations but won't be doing all of them this year...too much to unpack and put away with a baby!

All today, I kept thinking about what to do and or say IF WH gives me D papers after the holidays. (I don't have ANY GUT FEELING that he will do this BTW) I keep practicing so that I won't cry if he does it. But if the law of attraction is true, then I don't want to spend most of my time dwelling on the negative. I just want to not be blindsided at the same time, you know?
So I picture myself informing him that This is entirely his choice but obviously there is nothing I can do to change his mind. I will tell him that I will go away for a couple of days and need him to take all of his stuff out while I'm gone. He can leave the tools in the garage for now. I picture informing him that we both need to get used to the custody plan so we should revise it and be following it more closely. Then I will ask when we should meet with the mediators and tke our custody class.

I also picture him asking if we could talk. He tells me he has been thinking a lot and misses our life together. He says he doesn't know if we could ever get over this. I will tell him that not every couple can but we are not like every couple. I will tell him that I am scared but that I have missed our lif too. Then ????

So I still feel like it is more likely he will want to R versus D....my gut says this. I am scared to trust my gut because what if it only works when things are bad?

When WH left today, he definitely seemed sad.

[P17]

Remember their moods: BAD = GOOD, GOOD = BAD

[newmama]

Thanks for the positive comment, P17!

Tonight for dinner I'm making ginger chicken with begger's purses (potstickers).

I noticed he keeps asking about cookies. I'll be baking them this week!

[chatterbug]

that sounds like you should post the receipe

[newmama]

Ha ha! Here are the links:

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/alton-brown/perfect-potstickers-recipe/index.html

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/robin...cipe/index.html

[newmama]

I just want to say,for the record, IF I DIDN'T HAVE A CHILD I would do a fantastic bang up job of the Plan D!!!! Seriously! Whenever I broke up with someone in the past (either he dumped me or me him) I completely got rid of all evidence of relationship, never called or emailed, and started dating. (well after a few days to weeks of mourning first) And I got over the SOBs!

I imagine I would do the same thing with my WH--would have moved out to an apartment, arranged to not be at the house at the same time when getting my stuff, and dealt with him as little as possible while mailing in the divorce papers.

Would I have done Plan B? Doubtful. NO children, less than 5 years married.

But having a baby changed everything. A baby means it isn't as easy to rip up the photos and erase the emails and throw away the DVDs CDs Gifts Furniture that reminds you of the person.
You will have some kind of relationship with the spouse for at least the next 18 years.

Oh, and I am NOT saying it is easy for others who do not have kids to rip up their memories and move on! I am just saying for me, that is the dysfunctional but effective way to deal with it:
out of sight, out of mind. And that is what I had always told WH. I mean I told him that is how I moved on from previous relationships--no staying friends, just moving on and forgetting.
I told him that I threw away as much evidence as possible. And when we split in March and I asked him for his ring in April, he wrote me a note asking me not to throw it away because he wanted to keep it to remember us. I chuckle now because he thought I was going to throw it away--he remembered what I told him about "Out of Sight Out of Mind."

Is this why he makes it hard for me to keep him out of sight?

[newmama]

So tonight WH shows up with a new tree topper-- last week when he put up the lights on the tree, the tree topper star was broken. He said he would pick up a new one if I wanted. I had said it was okay, sure.

I made the meal and it was tasty! I highly recommend the pot stickers--I just used Jimmy Dean's pork sausage and only made like 16 instead of 40 as the recipe called for (froze the extra for another time). There was a side missing of some kind--no rice or veggies. I like veggies, he doesn't.

He liked the meal and thanked me for it. Our baby was very tired tonight so he fed him, bathed him and quickly put him to bed.

We watched the final episode of Amazing Race. Both of us made chit chat. He stayed late again to finish it.They were in Las Vegas--we went 3 times together and had lots of good memories.

[newmama]

I talked to my friend that I used to be afraid would ditch me due to my decision. She asked me how I was doing. At one point, she asked how long affairs last. I told her that I read 6 mo-2 years. She said wow, I guess you have about a year left. I asked her what she meant and she said that if I was going to wait out the affair, then I probably have another year to go.

Wow. Would I wait that long???I just don't know.

She said that I had been through the worse already. I told her divorce would be the worst because I would have to give up full access to my son!

She asked if that changed my opinion on how long I could wait out the affair.

????I am just afraid that if I waited another year, WH and I would practically be strangers and how hard would that be to reconnect?

So I am just holding out as long as I can take it. Plan B is the only next option before D.