I've tried to show her the best of me nearly all the time. Caring, considerate, fun, charming, reliable, interesting, in shape, energetic, and good with the kids. I'm putting it all on the line here.
All of these are strong points, but what about firm, resolute, bold, courageous, independent (don't need her), unwavering, steadfast (what you get today, is what you get tomorrow, no matter how W is behaving), consistent?
I think you will have to resolutely carry this mediation and S through no matter what she does, if you ever want her to take you seriously. Even if she, again, softens, and tells you why (and who knows why she doesn't want to go into mediation now, when she is the one wanting the D --- I can only think that she expects to walk away, while you are grovelling and pleading, and you're not doing that enough now OR maybe walking away from this M isn't quite the same as the last, seeing that there are children involved and she's still trying to justify that in her mind), it could be a bunch of bs to get you complacent again. After all, this is not a woman who has never lied. It would be tough now, but my opinion is to go through with the S, no matter what. It doesn't mean there will be a D, but it does mean that you say what you mean, and mean what you say and she'll know that you are not so easily now, a man to be manipulated. But, during the year of S, if she wants to go to counselling or Retrouville, then good enough.
Don't you think this ebb and flow has gone on long enough?
Just some thoughts.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
SMQ, you seem aprehensive about what I've done. What do you think I should have done? We've been living apart for a year. She could keep us in limbo for another year, or two, or three, until she feels good enough and secure enough and confident enough to D me on her terms. Like I said, my only hope for true reconciliation is to do this on my terms. Do you not agree?
I would like to see you regain the power in the dynamic of your relationship.
Your wife has had it for too long and she has played you seriously for the past few years. Seems to me she knows some tricks to keep you this way. Shes good at it.
And No, I would'nt have sent the letter and I would not have said I would pay for all of it. That has placed all of the initiative on your shoulders. Now you have to follow through or you WILL be a flip-flopper and you will never regain the power because you will have a history of making grand finalizations then never following through. You can stall this though lawyers, fees, schedule conflicts, but still you have no other choice now but to go through with it.
Good for you. It is how you wanted to react and you took that initiative. That takes guts.
question still remains
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she can dish it out but she can take it?
Screw showing her the best of you. What if you mimic'd her behavior how do you think she would react to you being single?
All of these are strong points, but what about firm, resolute, bold, courageous, independent (don't need her), unwavering, steadfast (what you get today, is what you get tomorrow, no matter how W is behaving), consistent?
Definitely not as great, but I have shown some strength. I have absolutely refused to discuss her A, which has driven her crazy. I barely acknowledge it at all, and then only in very vague terms. I have never spoken OM's name to her. I have insisted I only pay her the money I feel is fair for child support, and not bowed to her pressure. I've tackled a marathon. I've done very well taking care of myself and our kids on my own. As for unwavering, not so great, as we've discussed. She might disagree, but I think I've been very steadfast in my general demeanor, except for a few times this year when the whole thing just got to me.
This is how she has me doubting myself so much. I think I've been incredibly solid this year, under the circumstances. All my friends and co-workers agree, yet she hurls out some barbed words, and I'm going down the road of self doubt.
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I think you will have to resolutely carry this mediation and S through no matter what she does, if you ever want her to take you seriously. Even if she, again, softens, and tells you why (and who knows why she doesn't want to go into mediation now, when she is the one wanting the D --- I can only think that she expects to walk away, while you are grovelling and pleading, and you're not doing that enough now OR maybe walking away from this M isn't quite the same as the last, seeing that there are children involved and she's still trying to justify that in her mind), it could be a bunch of bs to get you complacent again. After all, this is not a woman who has never lied. It would be tough now, but my opinion is to go through with the S, no matter what. It doesn't mean there will be a D, but it does mean that you say what you mean, and mean what you say and she'll know that you are not so easily now, a man to be manipulated. But, during the year of S, if she wants to go to counselling or Retrouville, then good enough.
BeingMe, I agree with you, and I admit, I'm scared. I don't want my M to end, and now I'm in a situation where I have to push hard to move it in that direction. I just don't think I have any other choice. My only hope to turn this around is to Two key events have pushed me to this place. When Gnosis asked me direct question of whether I'm happy with what my W is giving me, and a good friend of mine said to me "You know, I think your W is going to lose the best thing that ever happened to her, but I don't think you are." My belief in myself and my self worth is coming back, and I know I deserve better than what she's giving me. I've been living on these little scraps she's been doling out this year, and I can't do it anymore. I've done some casual dating, and I know other women would be interested in me.
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Don't you think this ebb and flow has gone on long enough?
Well, my W is calling me on my actions. I set up a mediation appointment for a couple weeks from now, and she said she'd attend, but only if I pay, and only if I am ready to decide how we will handle our marital debt.
Well, my W is calling me on my actions. I set up a mediation appointment for a couple weeks from now, and she said she'd attend, but only if I pay, and only if I am ready to decide how we will handle our marital debt.
Scr3w her! You're paying so you control the agenda.
I may be mistaken, but weren't the terms of your deal for next Wed? Call her out on the additional crap. "W, I don't know what's going on in that mind of yours... The only circumstances where I was willing to pay for this was to get this resolved within the next week. You're stalling and playing games with me."
REWORD the above and find the legal loophole Remember... keep her focused on you. Create crisis.
On the other hand, if I got it wrong then you need to make a decision: Money comes and goes. Your self-respect is worth more than money and so is your word.
I wish I could offer more Future. SMQ and BM are giving you enough 2x4's and solid advice.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
I would like to see you regain the power in the dynamic of your relationship.
Your wife has had it for too long and she has played you seriously for the past few years. Seems to me she knows some tricks to keep you this way. Shes good at it.
She is good at it, and yes, I do have to regain the power.
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And No, I would'nt have sent the letter and I would not have said I would pay for all of it. That has placed all of the initiative on your shoulders. Now you have to follow through or you WILL be a flip-flopper and you will never regain the power because you will have a history of making grand finalizations then never following through. You can stall this though lawyers, fees, schedule conflicts, but still you have no other choice now but to go through with it.
What other choice did I have? She would have just kept us in limbo forever if she felt like it. I had to do something to get my b*lls back, and if divorcing her is the only way I can do it, then that's the way it has to be. This has been all her doing so far, and if I let her dictate how our M ends, her rule over me is complete.
I had to do something to get my b*lls back, and if divorcing her is the only way I can do it, then that's the way it has to be.
Future, I agree with you needing to reclaim your raisins. Especially with the latest revelations of her past i.e. when you met and how you were 'unwittingly' the OM.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
I may be mistaken, but weren't the terms of your deal for next Wed? Call her out on the additional crap. "W, I don't know what's going on in that mind of yours... The only circumstances where I was willing to pay for this was to get this resolved within the next week. You're stalling and playing games with me."
The next available appointment was in two weeks. I'm trying to figure out how to respond to her. Here's what I have, to throw it back at her:
W-
Are you are saying you won't go unless your concerns get priority?
Remember... keep her focused on you. Create crisis.