I would do it in a playful way, when things are light between you. then I would casually say, "So, I hear you're not married...." And he'll say, "what do you mean?" And then you can say "well, it's on your FB page, it says you're not married." And then you see what he says.
THanks everyone. I had a realization after reading your great posts and resting - I don't have to get upset! Of course it shocked me at first, but I don't have to hold onto it! Woohoo Way to detach!
I'll combine all the advice - drop it for now, bring it up in counselling, and lightly with a sense of humor.
My W "un-friended" from FB a couple months ago. I was anything but crushed. I don't think she has changed her marital status- yet- I haven't checked- but I wouldn't sweat it. The whole FB thing is stupid anyway- I hate it. It's so juvenile and a waste of time. Not to mention it's role in giving rise to internet EAs and breaking up families. It would be nice to just see that stupid site go away.
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
I know how you feel about seeing your H facebook status changed to "not married." You have every right to feel angry. My H and I are not "friends" on facebook but I had a chance to see my H facebook page through someone else because he is a friend of theirs. Well, for his status he had "Its complicated" and I saw things that I probably didn't want to see (H is using a "who wants to date me? application on his page.)
Now before I saw this, I used to go through his friends list every nite looking at all the girls he had as friends, torturing myself and obsessing. But after seeing his page, I have not been to his friends list since. I told myself that I am better than that and I let go of the anger. You are doing great with the detaching. Be encouraged.
Me:34 H:34 D:7 D:6 D:3 T:20years M:10years Bomb: Feburary 2009 Separated: May 2009 EA confirmed March 2010
Thank everyone. I actually did ask him - but lightly and calmly like not a big deal. He calmly told me he took off all his personal info because of the scare of fb applications hacking into personal info. I believe it because a)my H is a computer programmer familiar with security systems and fb is anything but and b) my H is paraonoid!
So, my lesson was just what all of you are saying - fb is stupid and non important, I don't need to be unnecessarily obsessing.
In the past I would have obsessed, instead I calmed myself, got support and let it go. I'm finally detaching some.
I also realized why I was panicked. It wasn't the fb status. It was something it unconsciously symbolized for me. My H have agreed to a legal settlement agreement and I have been fighting to keep it signed but not filed with the court. Basically, my H is insisting his lawyer says filing is the best route and my lawyer couldn't really give me a strong answer as to how to avoid it without more court time and legal fees so I'm just going to agree to the stupid thing. I've been trying to keep my cool - as our agreement is that we will go into MC after it is filed - we start MOnday.
My H has repeatedly insisted that he will feel safer going into MC with the legal sep. so that any issues between us won't blow up into a legal battle. Being paranoid, I actually believe this makes sense to him. I have chosen to do this in the hope that we will go into counselling. I have nothing to lose - he's already out of the house and I am banking on the fact that a lot of his abuse has stemmed from anxiety around the threat of a big D battle. Once the settlement is agreed on, if we eventually have a D, it cannot be contested - we've agreed to the terms if it comes to that. He has written in that he will go to five months of MC at least, and that he will not file for D for one year.
So I've been telling myself that rationally this is the best compromise for the long term hope of working on the M.
But all my emotions erupted over that stupid fb status. It was all the panic, sadness, fear, anger over being left in this position with a five year old son and no job, etc. It all bubbled up.
But I'm calmer now. I have my moments of panic that will surely come and go. But I am working on the detachment and making myself happy and I actually see H responding more positively as well.
My goal is to not fight and the other one is to get into MC, and they are both happening. Baby steps.
He files monday for the legal separation, but I don't have to answer for ninety days. H says I can wait as long as possible if I want... so at least he won't fight me when I do wait!
Having huge panic attacks tonight - starting MC tomorrow and I just don't know how much if any amount my H wants the relationship. Not knowing how to start, how to handle, how to have any hope. Fear that he's just there to dissolve things when I'm hoping to repair. How can we repair in MC if I'm the only one hoping?
I am about to start MC in a couple of weeks too. Take a deep breath and remind yourself you have no control over your H, whether it's in MC or otherwise. Don't worry about why H agreed to go or not. Just go to MC and do the best you can. Wherever it leads, who knows.
The difficulty at this point is to follow two paths - one of preparing yourself for a life without H and one of remaining open to reconciliation. Tough part is being able to do both at the same time.
