Oh, I think it is OK. The Ex-in-law Rs are something Donna is working on too, which is really why I focused on that in your HM's post.
Donna, I know you are also still dealing with distance from the EX-in-laws, I think largely for similar reasons. On the bright shiny side, the Thanksgiving invite and their disappointment sounds like you really are making space now for friendship. (But they'll still always be B-list friends...)
Apparently I was missed - I have been included in the sibs' secret Santa (they set it up that households are buying a gift for another household, rather than individuals this year - I got younger BIL's house, the one who recently had the baby I haven't met). He is the one who is hosting XMas this year, and I was invited again. I guess I will wait to decide until it gets closer, again. I think I am still re-setting the relationships in my head.
I had a down day, today. I know it is the holidays. And just more schedule stuff with life and work. Won't bore with the details, since we have all been there, I think. Just missing the life I had. I did go to Church today, and helped some of the kids (they were doing Kids in Service today, so were doing the readings, being ushers, etc.). The end of the service found me really down (just seeing intact families, I think).
Home to a nap, trying to reset my head. It worked a little... went out with the kids to get some snow gear, then off with them and in-laws to get our tree and wreaths. Christmas music, home to get decorations up from downstairs. (Ugh, next to the huge pile of laundry).
Going through the motions today, though. Hope that things will feel better tomorrow.
"Apparently I was missed - I have been included in the sibs' secret Santa (they set it up that households are buying a gift for another household, rather than individuals this year - I got younger BIL's house, the one who recently had the baby I haven't met). He is the one who is hosting XMas this year, and I was invited again. I guess I will wait to decide until it gets closer, again. I think I am still re-setting the relationships in my head."
Ughhh. I'd hate that if it happened to me. Tough sitch for you, no wonder you feel heavy. This really is kind of a big deal and it will take a lot of work to figure out what to do, no matter what you decide. Priority: YOU, taking care of YOU.
Only go and be involved if you think you can maintain a positive attitude afterward. If you can't, please decline. Go do something else that night. Go to the city and check out all the lights! I've always dreamed of going to NY at Christmastime to see the spectacle. Some day.....
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I feel like there is a choice ahead of me...what kind of person will I be, how will I continue to react to all of this.
(The movie As Good as it Gets keeps playing in my head)
Do I suck it all up and "make nice," fake it till I make it? Let go of the past and move forward, let it roll off my back, "make space" for friendship? Is this the healthier way...is this grace? Is this what DB is steering us towards, therefore allowing the other person to see all that they are missing and giving up, too?
Or do I continue to be withdrawn, "dark," protect myself from it all and avoid all necessary contact? Wish that he would just go away...
Do I love him enough to be around him on his terms, friends? If I love him, is it better to not be around him at all?
I feel selfish in my all-or-nothing, my-way-or-no-way thinking. I know that the pain is coming from inside me, and I don't know where to go with it.
I also don't want to revisit crazyville again anytime soon.
Maybe I'm just not strong enough, and that is the final nail in the coffin (you would think that a year+ divorce would have been the nail, right? I wish...). I feel like my failings at DB killed any chances. Who knows if there would have been a chance - right now, he seems to have been one of the unmoveables. He never showed even the slightest hint of looking back or regrets.
WHY does it still hurt like this? Why do I continue to think about it, dream of him at night? I have a very good life with a long list of things I am grateful for. Friends, family, kids, church, house, career, pets, activities just for me, strides in self-improvement. There is just this black hole that threatens to swallow all of it up.
I want the directions of this "letting go" and "getting on with your life," "get over it" stuff. Cause I am going through all the motions, and not too much is moving internally, in my heart. Is it just time? Been 3 years since the bomb. Back when my baby was starting 2nd grade. She is a 5th grader, now! I re-read the awful things he did and said...and my poor, stupid brain tries to forget them still, or find excuses for them. Hard to overwrite 20 years with three, maybe.
When my son was little, he developed a stutter. I would watch him actually push on the sides of his face, trying to force the words out. Overthinking it. He needed a completely different approach to his speech therapy, one where they didn't focus on the sounds and mistake as much, but to slow down his thoughts and words. Maybe that has been my same mistake, too - trying too hard to push through all of this. Overthinking.
But damn, I want the pain to stop. Those "gotcha" moments when the most unexpected thing sets me off again... the thing that got me in church?
Two pews ahead of me: A man with his family, leaning over to kiss his daughter on the forehead while his arm was wrapped behind his wife and his son climbed on his lap. And he had the same hair as my ex...
My IC told me a long time ago that no one was asking me to stop loving him. But, what do I do with it?
Is this co-dependence, a subconscious anxiety that I can't do it all without him to support and help me? The more I do on my own, the less likely that this seems to be the problem with me, the less likely that these feelings will stop. Co-dependence might fade away, but there is more to this left.
I am working hard on my disorganization issues. Went back to DBT things I learned, set up a tight schedule with it all written down, have someone helping me organize my backload of paperwork. Catching up with work things and prioritizing. Still feel overwhelmed sometimes, that all of this is meant for more than one person to handle, but am getting better at it. I might not have been cut out to be Supermom, but I am putting things in place to make that more accessible. I KNOW that I am a smart person and can do this! Just needed some training and a fire lit under my a$$...
