Separated, new baby, but still hopeful

[Day by Day]

I think you're doing a good job! The feedback from your DB coach also sounds positive.

[newmama]

DBD, thank you. I KNOW what I'm doing is not what most BS do. I don't recommend it for most! I know the odds are slim to none that I will succeed in drawing my WH back. But I am inspired by a few success stories using this method and by this saying:

"Before the A, the WS compares the BS to the OP. After the A starts, the WS compares the OP to the BS."

So if he wants her in the end, obviously I made the worst judgment call on what kind of person he is! There goes my track record...

On the other site I go to, I saw that 24/28 BSs filed for divorce before their WSs did, many within months after DDay. It did not bring their WS back and I think it has to do with the newness of the A that P17 was talking about. Maybe they didn't want their WS back, though.

[Jstar]

since i've gone dark i won't contact at all. had concilliation today in court, he did not show up for the meeting. i'm not going to break my silence, i'm gonna let 3 weeks go by to when i'm on xmas break for 2 weeks and if no change, see attorney about issues, maybe break silence to discuss birth, give him my boundary on it.

when you don't respect me and give me no support during the pregancy it makes me very angry and hurt. until i see you respect and support me i see no reason for you to be in the delivery room. it will tell him he needs to do soemthing and he can either choose to do what he is keep doing or he change.
about the in laws, i'm not even tackling that one at this time.

[newmama]

Jstar, be specific in what you want him to do to respect and support you and change. I know you probably think he should "know" this but outline a small list so he has no excuse in saying he didn't know.

[newmama]

Ayayayai!Am PISSED OFF today.

1) Brown nosing can indicate brown nosing for purposes other than R. WH asked me yesterday if he could take our baby for a couple of hours longer on Saturdays. He was taking him 7-11 but now wants to take him until 1. Gee, the 90 minute round trip drive to OWs house is cutting into your time with your son?
I reminded him that at his age, there is a maximum amount of time in the parenting plan for babies to be away from their mothers. He said really? I haven't looked at that plan for awhile. (50% of our divorce paperwork is the plan by the way)

2) It is stupid of me to not move the stuff-I told him today that I am deflating the bed and putting the stuff in the spare room (BTW the stuff is MY things from my classroom)He said "Okay." What the hell was I freaking out for earlier?????

3)WH brought up plans for Christmas. Wants to take son on Christmas Eve during the day for a few hours but won't be here on Christmas Day, not even for the morning. Great, so he and OW will be with our baby, but our baby won't get to have his FIRST Christmas with his own parents. Not that he would notice luckily, being so young.

I WILL NOT BE ARRANGING A CHRISTMAS PARTY FOR THE 3 of us! I did get him a gift but it is just because he is the dad -it will be from our son-, and my family (full of divorcees) has always been nice about getting the ex a present from the kids. Gee I have learned a lot about how to be divorced from my family. So I won't have to start from scratch. Lovely.

4) I honestly don't have an IM for Plan B. I can't go dark for it due to the baby visitation situation. I can join the Y and just leave for the full time WH is here with the baby on his 3 evenings after work, no dinner, just Hi. Going out! Then come back when he has put the boy to bed.ALSO I can tell him that on his day off, when he visits, he can take our boy for 5 hours, but not to spend it at the house anymore.

5) Now that WH has bonded with our son I am not worried that he will ditch him. I am now strong enough to follow through on Plan B. I was not a month ago. I want to do the divorce busting but this can still qualify because it is the 180 of what I have been doing. And I don't regret not doing plan B sooner, because now I have left him an impression of me in a better light than before.

6) I don't know if I need to write him a letter since I will be seeing him still.

7) I was full of sadness last night when he was discussing the schedule with me but tears only welled up, they did not fall, and I kept my voice steady. He was sitting far from me so I don't think he saw my eyes. Usually he says something!

[newmama]

we are off to go get the Christmas tree. I wonder what it will be like when I hang all the stockings except for WH's. He has one with his initial. Should I hand it over to him and say here you go? You can hang this at your girlfriend's house?
grrrrrr...............

[bestraongforyou]

newmama, if you need an IM why don't you ask someone from this board - I know it's done on other boards - it will be only email contact with WH won't it - it might be easier for someone who actually doesn't know him.

[newmama]

bestrong,
thanks for the idea, but WH would need to pick up our son for visitation so I would have to see him. Ideally, an IM transports the child to a neutral location right?

[newmama]

Okay I am proud for doing something today. When we were discussing the visitation schedule, I spontaneously asked if he could watch our son on the 19th evening which is a Saturday. I have only asked for one Friday evening before (was a dance class and was back by 8:30)and never Saturday evenings. This is because I was determined to not let him watch him on an evening where he could take him to OW. BUt now that I have allowed him to take him to OW on Saturday mornings, who cares at this point.

I told him if he couldn't do it, then I could find a babysitter from one of our families. He said no, he would do it but is there a chance he could take our baby overnight and bring him back early in the morning? I said no, not yet--not ready for that. But I would be back by 10 probably..just need to be gone 6-10. Then I asked him if I should always check with him first for babysitting if I want to make plans on Friday or Saturday nights because it would be no problem for me to find a family member. He quickly said, no, I can do it!

I also told him that I didn't know for sure yet but will know within a day or 2.

My event is an ugly holiday sweater happy hour get together. I didn't tell him what it was, and he didn't ask.I just said I have something from probably 6 to 10.

Then, today I left to go to the store but ended up not going there. I just talked on the phone for a couple of hours. When I came back, he asked if I needed help unloading the car and I said no I didn't go after all. He said "Oh you just escaped, huh?" and I smiled and said nothing.

I also asked to change the schedule AGAIN on a different day! This is good because I am exerting some independence which up to now, I have been rather passive (on purpose) and just go with the flow. I figured I should change things a little.

Also, as we were working on the calendar, he looked at New Year's Eve and asked me if I had plans (it's a Thursday night so that is when I usually go out). I told him that I hadn't even thought that far ahead. He said "me neither. I don't know what I'm doing yet."

I mention this because he never talks about his plans with OW (out of respect to me) and I thought it was odd that he didn't just reserve that night just in case. I mean he still could, but when we were married or when I had a boyfriend before, it was understood we would be spending New Year's Eve together whether we knew the details or not! So maybe he isn't sure if he will be with her that night! He also could have said "Ok. Do you mind if I take that night off and then come to see S the next day?"


Oh and I am pretty sure that OW is not part of his work group anymore. I asked how work was going and if there were new people there. He said oh yeah..lots. The only other original people left in my work group are K and J.

[P17]

I told him that I hadn't even thought that far ahead. He said "me neither. I don't know what I'm doing yet."

I find this comment very strange. New Year is such a special time for new lovers - seeing in the new year together, kissing, hugging, making vows to be faithful (ahem) and 'here to a good year for us'. Why hasn't he made plans with OW? Are you sure everything is rosy in WAH / OW land?

Can I ask why you are going to do the NC with him? Things seems to be going well so I'm wondering why stop it all?