Donna--finding herself #37

[MichelleLT]

Sounds like everything worked out pretty well!

Other than him making you drive over to get the kids. They really can be stubborn sometimes.

[Reincarnated]

Woke up thinking about the difference between grieving and bitterness...

This whole thing still takes up lots of my mental space, especially at night and dreaming. I'd rather it didn't, since it is all such wasted energy. Maybe it is the holidays...
X did take my kids, his girlfriend and all her kids to see his grandmother over the weekend; 3 out of 4 of his sibs went, too. It is expected, an eventuality. But still hurts to feel so replaced in what was such a big part of my life - these people were my family for more than 20 years, more than half my life.
When my parents were alive, we would visit both houses...then just his side of the family when they passed.
I had been invited to Thanksgiving at grandma's house with my in-laws and three of his sibs...they were sad that I didn't go. Not sure if it was a mistake on my part to not go...but had a wonderful time with my own aunt, cousins and family. Trying to forge new traditions and connections. Am I shooting myself in the foot?

They all just want to "have a nice visit." Seems that only MIL and FIL really get what it is that I went through (and I'm sure that it is only because they live next door and saw it all).
Still struggling to Get Over It. Wish there was some magic formula to Get Over 20+ years....I hear about him, and really wonder how he did it.

I look back and see how awful I was at DBing. Too codependent to leave him alone, give him the space to really think about it and let his moral compass guide him - giving him a tortured, pathetic crying mess to look at, verses a smiling girlfriend, trying to fix him, fix us.

Regret. Sadness. Love, still, even if undeserved. Memories. Pushing forward and trying oh so hard to accept. Futile wishes and lost dreams. Over-analyzing, over-thinking. Haunted by the could-have-beens.

Is this wallowing, or part of my excrutiatingly-long process?

It's little things...we are about to start decorating, and I am dreading the ornament box. I had loved to collect ornaments throughout the year to celebrate milestones, match memories. Too many are about the old Us.
Throw them away? Pack them into the attic? Send some over to him for his tree with his newly-chosen mate?

Puke. I used to love Christmas so much...

I used to think that knowing, understanding, how all this happened would help me either fix it or accept it. It hasn't made a damn bit of difference.

[kat727]

I think it teaches us what not to do next time. Last year at christmas I didn't want to use all the past years ornaments and went really simple. I strug cranberries, used tinsel and bought just a few ornaments. It was a lovely tree.

This year I am even thinking of buying a real tree. the girls have never had one but we used to do that when we first got married. It has been a while. Anyway, I think that is how I will go. This is a time to rebirth yourself and close the door on the past and open another door for the new. Christmas will always be here. time to decide if you are going to give that to your ex or reclaim it for yourself.

Hugs, kat

[mishka422]

I had loved to collect ornaments throughout the year to celebrate milestones, match memories. Too many are about the old Us.Throw them away? Pack them into the attic? Send some over to him for his tree with his newly-chosen mate?

Give them to charity. Our church thrift store is full of Christmas decorations. That is where I'm sending all of my sentimental ones (except the personalized ones of course - those are going in the trash this year assuming I get any of them down from the attic! )

Donna, there is a real possibility that you are having a bout of seasonal depression. Who can blame any of us for feeling that way. Being sentimental. Feeling cheated out of something. It's natural, but you know it doesn't have to be that way. It will be what YOU decide you want it to be.

You have all the tools to turn your thoughts around. I know you have learned thought stopping, redirection, framing, all of that in therapy. Use it now. Reverse your thinking and make it about YOU, not about him, them, etc..

Donna, you weren't replaced. There is no one that could ever replace you. He has merely filled a space because he has selfish needs that have to be met for him to feel like a whole person. That has nothing whatsoever to do with you.

Get it? Got it? GOOD!

(((((((((((((((Donna))))))))))))))))))

[oldtimer]

Yes, of course you did the right thing by having Thanksgiving with your own peeps.

Look, you shouldn't be more into the R with the EX-in-laws than they are. When X is available, you won't be invited. You are effectively Plan B. As X's GF is better integrated into the family because of time, possibly marriage and children, the events at which Plan A falls through to make room for Plan B will become farther and farther apart. THIS IS OK.

The key is for the EX-in-laws to be your Plan B too. Yes, they can still be important, but you need to give priority to other Rs in your life.

BTW, you are still pretty co-dependent on XH. You never say anything about returning to a co-dep group. Why is that?

On the other hand, this is clear progress:

"I used to think that knowing, understanding, how all this happened would help me either fix it or accept it. It hasn't made a damn bit of difference. "

Linkin Park: http://www.google.com/url?q=http://popup.lala.com/popup/360569479530708290&ei=3oMWS_OyGZC4NeKn-bgG&sa=X&oi=music_play_track&resnum=1&ct=result&cd=2&ved=0CAgQ0wQoADAA&usg=AFQjCNEL9Dh5IVQaMCzagDQeKZT8qibxVw

[oldtimer]

BTW, any idea how Nikki is?

[hoosiermama]

Donna, I can so relate to all of this:

It is expected, an eventuality. But still hurts to feel so replaced in what was such a big part of my life - these people were my family for more than 20 years.

it hurts, because we've lost not only our nuclear family, we've lost our extended family. Whether or not you're emotionally "close" to them, you've still shared a significant part of your life and important events with them. And it hurts to think of another woman being welcomed into that circle where we used to be--especially if we were left in the dust because of her.

In my case, his family has chosen to cut me off completely, so definitely no holiday invitation; even those who weren't direct about it ("please don't contact us again--the kids might see it") don't want any contact because they "don't want to take sides." I'm taking that really to mean they don't want to be seen as taking my side. Sadly, I have no family of my own.

I hear about him, and really wonder how he did it.

they got over us because they had plenty of brain chemicals telling them there was nothing to get over, but the new thing feels really good, so it must be right. They're living a delusion, and have justified and rationalized so that they feel no grief at all.

Is this wallowing, or part of my excrutiatingly-long process? It's little things...

I felt like I was wallowing too--but I need to wallow for awhile, feel the grief--the sadness, anger, unfairness--before I can move forward. It does seem to be taking forever--but so much grief is a reflection of how much we loved.

I used to think that knowing, understanding, how all this happened would help me either fix it or accept it. It hasn't made a damn bit of difference.

I think it will make a difference in the future. Working all this through is necesssary for healing, it's just that we're not healed yet, so it's not resolved for us. One day--and I'm saying this as a leap of faith--it will make more sense somehow.

[oldtimer]

Donna,

WASs deal with a lot of the pain/grief alone before they ever walk away. So, XH did a lot before you ever knew anything, before he ever started his A too. WASs also deal with a lot of the pain/grief only AFTER they really lose the LBS. You have had to deal with the loss of XH. XH has not had to deal with the loss of you because he hasn't lost you, and he surely knows that. So, he (1) has a huge head start on you, (2) was able to process a lot of pain/grief without having to do it with bomb/A overhead on him, and (3) has much less to deal with because he did not lose you. In addition, in no doubt helps one to quit looking backward and to quit obsessing about the past when one moves forward in life and in relationships. The past becomes rather tedious and boring if you aren't making your present life about your past. So, his new R no doubt helps there. The initial joy of falling in love is also a good cushion. As is the ongoing love and support found in a LTR romantic partnership that works. XH seems to have found one of these.

So, please reject the temptation to assume that XH's R must really be crap (no sign that it is) and that it will fail and that it will crash and burn. EVEN if this is true (which I don't think it is), leaning on wishes of pain and destruction for another to get through the day is (1) codependence at its ugliest, (2) very sad for your kids when the target is their father, (3) sure to keep you stuck, bitter, and looking backwards when XH's life doesn't suck as badly as you want it to. You've turned away from that unhealthy path, don't let the holidays tempt you into indulging yourself with an easy fix by taking another stroll down it.

Instead, focus on making XH's life and its success or failure irrelevant to you except insofar as him having a great life is much better for the kids than him having a bad life. Focus on making your life great. When you are happy, engaged, moving forward, you too find the old crap just plain tedious. I've seen it. It isn't that the past wasn't important, the good and the bad are both very important. It's simply beating a dead horse thing... If you obsessed EVERY DAY about your mom, it would get darn old too...

So, take the happy path. Keep doing what you are doing. Make those connections, make new traditions. And don't self-victimize by indulging your pity parties. If the old decorations don't work for you this year, IGNORE THEM. Solve the problem when it isn't painful. Instead, do a theme tree. You're an ART teacher for goodness sake. Do an origami tree, a fruit and nut tree, a wish tree, whatever. But DO NOT do the indulgent thing and sob through sorting a bunch of old ornaments. You've been a victim enough, you crave it, but don't feed that craving.

high road, happy path, you know how to do it, you deserve it.

[oldtimer]

HM,

I haven't seen anyone here who was "left in the dust" because of an OW or OM. The OW and OM made it into the M BECAUSE of the problems in the M, they didn't cause them.

If you really want to continue your Rs with your EX-in-laws, then you have to be a friend to their family. This means NOT wanting XH to have a bad life, NOT wanting him to be in pain, NOT continuing to condemn and judge his current life. As long as you are against XH in the present, then you are no friend to his family. This is why a friendship with you would be taking sides BECAUSE you are opposed to XH. If you aren't opposed to him, if you are detached, if you make his life irrelevant to yours, then his family won't have to take sides by being friends with you, anymore than they'd be taking sides by being friends with me. It is YOUR opposition, your continuing insistence to making your life about XH, that leaves no space for them to be friends with you.

They could deal with: "I think XH should have done things differently when he left our M. Still I wish him well now, though I really prefer not to talk about him at all. I try to mind my own business, ya know?"

They can't deal with: "I think XH should have done things differently when he left our M. He should pay for what he's done. You should hate him and his trollop that ruined my M. They don't deserve to be together, they don't deserve happiness. I wish them both the worst. My misery is their fault. Now, shall we have lunch?"

[yes, i'm sure you would never say such things, but let me assure you that you still communicate that message loud and clear]

As for not having any extended family, I think you said your dad was one of 12 siblings. No doubt you have a ton of extended family. You already found one cousin. Why don't you make finding a dozen relatives your 12 days of Christmas? You could even do an advent calendar. This would be a positive and exciting place to put your energy and start building your OWN support network so that you don't have to rely on one that is designed mainly to support your XH.

[oldtimer]

Wow! Go Mish, go Mish, go Mish!!!