my W doesn't regret her affair

[futureunknown]

What I find interesting is that nothing I said in my e-mail was particularly inflammatory. I tried to make it as matter of fact as I could. That she reacted so emotionally tells me she's still very emotionally invested in our marriage. Otherwise, she would have just responded like "I was hoping to avoid this over the holidays, but I guess we can just do it now. Let me know when the appointment is and we'll get this done."

[futureunknown]

I think that's fine, altho I wouldn't end it with a question. I'd end it with "Let's just get thru this, for D's sake."

I was referring to getting through the mediation, but perhaps I should say something similar regarding the parent teach conference as well.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

What I find interesting is that nothing I said in my e-mail was particularly inflammatory. I tried to make it as matter of fact as I could. That she reacted so emotionally tells me she's still very emotionally invested in our marriage.

You could have said "all whites are white"; she would have disagreed with you and likely lashed back.

Right now, you are showing your very first signs of not going along with her little Master Plan. Methinks she's not going to like that too much.

Gotta scoot for my flag football team's (S13) first practice and parents meeting. I'll try to check back in on you later tonite.

Puppy

[BeingMe]

She is a very experienced MC, but she and her colleagues have no respect for MWD. She's (obviously) from the school of "do what's right for you rather than the marriage".

Yeah, the "what makes ME happy" brigade. And scr*w everyone else!

You gave her a bit of carrot... then a bit of stick with the email. Good job. Play the game... hot/cold. Create the drama. Women love it! (Oops, sorry to the ladies reading this...)

BTW, (just to be clear) as far as I know, we women do not like extreme drama. It may seem like that to some men, but quite honestly, most of my female friends and I like serenity, clarity and peace --- we do not like these rollercoaster rides anymore than the men here do. We do express our emotions easier, but that's just one of the ways many women communicate our feelings. And, I know (Gnosis) was generalizing. But, I am tired of women always being portrayed as naggers, drama queens, etc. My first H was the biggest nagger ever which is why he is my EX. I think MLCers like the drama, however, men and women. No offence taken, and nuff said. Just saying.

Anyway, I am starting to see what you are trying to do here, Future. Keep her guessing and off balance and retrieving your personal boundaries and power. So far, so good.

As for the note --- definitely point out that the children should not be affected negatively. That the mediation and D is between the two of you, and that the children are not to be used as pawns. Good point to make.

[futureunknown]

BTW, as far as I know, we women do not like extreme drama. It may seem like that to some men, but quite honestly, most of my female friends like serenity and peace --- we do not like these rollercoaster rides anymore than the men here do. And, I know (Gnosis?) was generalizing. I think MLCers like the drama, however.

I'm about as far from an expert on women as you can find. I did just see the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" though! LOL! I don't think women "like" the drama, but it does keep them interested.

Anyway, I am starting to see what you are trying to do here, Future. Keep her guessing and off balance and retrieving your personal boundaries and power. So far, so good.

Exactly. Retrieve my boundaries and power. She's owned them for YEARS, and it's high time I took them back. This isn't really a game any more. If we can somehow reconcile, it has to be within a context of mutual respect, and the way things were going, that would have never happened.

[futureunknown]

Well, I was wrong. I didn't think she'd be so childish, but when I arrived at the parent teacher conference, she took the kids and left. She looked like a wreck, like she got little sleep and had been crying. She didn't look at me, and barely said a word.

I don't understand. She left me, she cheated on me, she told me our marriage was over. Why is she so upset? I said I didn't consider anything that happened to be unforgivable, I offered my hand back to her, she refused to take it. Why is she so upset?

Either she has serious doubts about whether she actually wants a divorce, or she just wants to make sure it happens on her terms and her convenience, and doesn't like having the reins taken from her. I don't know which it is, but maybe this will help me find out.

I'm feeling pretty strong, but I do have occassional doubts and fears flashing into my mind. What if I am being a jerk? What if she just needed some more time? What if this is just driving her back into OM's arms? I can't let that stuff take root! I'm starting to realize just how well she had broken down my trust in my own gut feelings. I have to get that back.

Another tidbit I've not mentioned so far in all this is that I am the second husband to my W, and I'm now remembering our early courtship from a MUCH different viewpoint. My W was legally separated from her first H when I met her. I had no experience with anything like that, so I took what she told me as fact. Her first marriage was miserable and a failure, she left, and it was for the best. Her first H lived a couple hours away, so I never saw him. He was just a name I ocassionally heard mentioned, and I had no feelings about him whatsoever. I do know my W did not finalize their divorce until she and I were engaged, and I know when she met with him to sign the final papers, he still groveled to her and asked for her back. Again, I had no real feelings about it at the time, it was something outside of my life. I certainly look back on it with clarity now though. I will NOT let that be me.

My W likes me, enjoys my company, thinks I'm a good father, but she told me there is an emptiness inside her where I should be. I am 99% sure that place is where her respect for me belongs. Re-establishing and maintaing her respect for me is the only hope I have for reconciliation. The way we were going, even if she decided to come back, for the kids, for financial reasons, for my companionship, that respect would not have been there, and our M would be hollow. I believe this is our ONLY hope for true reconciliation.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

My W likes me, enjoys my company, thinks I'm a good father, but she told me there is an emptiness inside her where I should be. I am 99% sure that place is where her respect for me belongs. Re-establishing and maintaing her respect for me is the only hope I have for reconciliation. The way we were going, even if she decided to come back, for the kids, for financial reasons, for my companionship, that respect would not have been there, and our M would be hollow. I believe this is our ONLY hope for true reconciliation.

Then that pretty much answers your own question and concerns that you expressed in your 4th paragraph, no??

Puppy

[BeingMe]

Your W is the common denominator in two failed/ing M's and one serious R! She perhaps has unresolved baggage that you and she don't see. I hope she is seeing a counselor to sort this out.

I am so sad for your kids that she walked out of the PT meeting. She is setting a bad example and in their heads, they may somehow think all this is their fault. Kids tend to do that.

What respect can she have lost for you, when she has had an A? Her own self-respect must be low. Here she is, doing the same thing she did before. How does she explain this to herself? She may or may not have been officially S'ed with her first M, but she was certainly not D'ed when she met you, so you were a partner with her in an A. It sounds like your W told you very little, so you were pretty much in the dark. Who knows what she said was even true?

I know you love her, and she is the mother of your children, and probably has some really great personality traits, but faithfulness, honour and honesty does not seem to be any of them. If you D her and she and OM get together, she will probably do the same thing to him. Who knows what she is telling him about you?

This little drama, walking out of the PT meeting, has turned the tables on you. She knows that this will make you pause and wonder. She sucked the power right out of you. Men often don't like seeing their loved ones upset, and having been crying, etc. or their children used as pawns. They go into protective mode.

Damn straight --- you should never beg anyone for anything, especially to stay with them. My H begged me, on the floor, grovelling, crying, to take him back when I was getting ready to D his @ss, and sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't have done so. It's not a pretty sight, and I think I took pity on him (even after all the pain he caused me) and gave him another 5 years chance to prove his trustworthiness. Not going to happen. He too is a great dad, I like him --- he is family no matter what, but even before the grovelling event, I had withdrawn my feelings and it was too late. Once I had decided to D, it was over for me. I think it is for him too, but he just doesn't want to lose his best friend, which we are.

Anyway, be careful of losing sight of who you are --- don't let her overshadow you and make you doubt yourself. Be firm. Don't take this cr@p of her crying --- never heard of it ever killing anyone. It's just that she lost control of the sitch, and she don't like it and it's upsetting her. This is emotional blackmail, IMHO.

Take care.

[soleil]

Well, I was wrong. I didn't think she'd be so childish, but when I arrived at the parent teacher conference, she took the kids and left. She looked like a wreck, like she got little sleep and had been crying. She didn't look at me, and barely said a word.

Not that it's a competition, but you "won" that round. You were calm and collected and she behaved in a very childish way. She probably is not sleeping much at night.
Just focus your energy on YOU and try to take it one day at a time. Easier said than done, I know!

[BeingMe]

This little drama, walking out of the PT meeting, has turned the tables on you. She knows that this will make you pause and wonder. She sucked the power right out of you.

I meant to say, "if you let her." You didn't think she would walk out.