Thanksgiving was aaaawfulllll But I've made a turnaround. I am working on taking back my power. I;m tired of my H bullying and abusing me. It started when I saw him doing the same thing to our S. Suddenly my Mamabear instincts kicked in and I was ready for D! I'm actually plotting my case now. I've calmed down since, as we are actually finally starting MC after eight months since bomb. But I"m planning my life secretly just in case. I'm keeping my distance big time and standing over my S and watching H like a hawk.
H must have sensed it. In true DB style, he touched me for the first time in eight months (without me asking). When he met us at a christmas parade, he touched my back when saying hello. Then he placed video camera around my neck. It was amazing. They do pick it up when you are ready to move on.
His nice guy attitude is making me mushy again, but I have to buck up. I have to keep plottin gmy D case and my life without him while still giving MC a chance. I'm finally certain, after seeing him with S, that HE MUST CHANGE TOO - I'm done grovelling. OR ELSE I'M NOT TAKING HIM BACK. And believe me, this is a far cry from the despair I've been in all these months.
I've continued to focus on me, being strong and independent, making myself happy, and not taking crap from my H. My new attitude is having an immediate effect. My H actually invited me to his role playing game tomorrow night. This is huge. For the eight months since the bomb, he has consistently made it clear that I am not invited to his activities. He often even gets defensive when I ask what he's doing so I've progressed from making myself not ask, to not even caring anymore. It is at this point that he has invited me.
It was more of "you're welcome to come and play if you like" than a "I'd looooove for you to be there I miss you so much oxoxoxox" which of course I dream of. But between that and touching me twice the other night, I notice a shift from the usual "Leave me alone" stance he's had.
THANK YOU DR AND DB!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok, it's not that big of a deal. But I'm amazed. When I really am getting stronger and just not caring anymore not sitting around missing him and wanting to call and talk = when I walk away or reject him when he's rude mean or sarcastic instead of taking it in = when I focus on life with or without him, focus on making myself happy = like all of you constantly say.....well, let's just hope it continues.
You are sounding better every time I check in on you. Great PMA! I am so glad to hear that you are going to MC with your H. I think that your plan- prepare for the worst and hope for the best- is a good one. Stick with it. Regarding change, people can and do change and your H can too- but only if he has the will and desire to do so.
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
Thanks BJ - I hope so, because I feel like this whole thing is soooooo sloooooooooooooow.
I went to H's game night tonight. We laughed so hard we had tears in our eyes. It was a really fun group. I am so relieved we had a good time laughing. We haven't done that since the bomb. If anything, there has been so much anger and tears.
MC appointment is finally made for next monday. AFter waiting eight months!
I stayed cool - at the breaks and stuff, I just walked around and did my own thing. He approached me and invited me to walk to get a snack with some friends. He may have just been being polite, but I was glad I wasn't clingy and I was glad he didn't ignore me - like he usually does when he's over at the house.
Then I wanted to hug him at the end and of course I didn't since he made no gesture - tryiing to DB. But it felt so weird for us to be in our old happy mode of long ago and then just walk away and say BYE and go to our own apt.s.
Patience. It is something that I had to force myself to do - NOT one of my strong points. But, just be patient.
Good on hte laughter. That is a fantastic way to build back a connection. It's hard to dislkie someone who can make you laugh.
And good luck on MC - I'm about to set out on that as well.
As far as the retreating to seperate apartments after an evening like that, I understand. But, just be satisfied with the NOW. Don't worry about the future or you will miss the present.
GIMA = thank you. You are so right. And I'm going to be reminding you of patience too!
I'm finally feeling hope after so many months of pain. H confirmed to me that having a separation agreement that outlines our financial and custodial issues in the case of a D, actually relieves his mind to be able to go into MC and really work on our R. He sounds ready to go in and start looking at the R. FINALLY.
We have a long road ahead. But he started opening up to me about what has hurt him and why he is "skeptical" about our R. I really tried the listen and validate thing. Don't get me wrong, I'm also finally ready to express my feelings about his verbal abuse and not let him get away from hearing it. However, if he can finally start telling me why he has left - instead of just shutting me out, and being angry and blaming, like he's been for so long, it's a sign of him softening. If he can feel heard and validated, perhaps he will feel safer to hear me too.
I'm really hopeful about the therapy. It's still going to be a long road and this is so painful. But the glimmer of hope I'm feeling is something I haven't felt in months. Piggy backed on my new backbone of not taking his abuse, planning to live a good life with or without him, focussing on making myself happy, I think we're making some valuable steps in the right direction.
Thank you to all my friends who keep up with me and have given me so much support and wisdom. I couldn't be doing this without you. I wish I could meet you all and give you big hugs.
PS - he hasn't committed to coming home, but does agreeing to work on the R in MC count as "piecing?" IF not, what does?
Question: I was browsing facebook tonight, and noticed my H took "married" off his info status. I know you're probably all going to advise me to not say anthing - but I'm furious ... just when we are starting to reoonnect, and go to MC? Should I say anything?
Nope. Good point. My goals have to do with NOT FIGHTING, GETTING INTO MC, HAVING POSITIVE INTERACTIONS. However, why the f*** do I have to deal with this?! Trying to calm down. I would def. be in for a fight at this point...
