my W doesn't regret her affair

[Gnosis]

I was LMAO reading this Future. Way to go! It's amazing the feeling you get when you start standing up for yourself isn't it?

The question is, what now?

Ignore the spew and keep pushing for mediation ASAP. It's time for you to be a 'lawyer' and use her own words against her. e.g. Question: What has got up your as* that you needed to send that message?!
Answer: I have my reasons. Why are you being so stubborn and controlling?

She also replied to my e-mail saying that she is going to attend our daughter's parent teacher conference alone, and that if I go, she'll leave.

Answer: I'm going and you cannot stop me. D is important to me and I refuse to allow you to cut me out of her life. If you choose to leave, that is your prerogative.

Remember... "Be the WAS"

[BeingMe]

Definitely go to the P/T meeting. If she wants to be childish and walk out, then that's her problem.

I just wonder why you are so bent on doing everything now, and not wait for Jan? Did you not send out a similar email a week or so ago? Got a similar reaction. Don't get addicted to sending emails, hoping for wild reactions --- it may end up biting you in the @ss. Your W is projecting her actions onto you, I think. She sees you as the inflexible, reactionary person, and her as the calm, giving person. Of course, she's going to say she won't pay for it. You played right into that, IMHO.

This is normal.

In her mind it is. Maybe she is having a nervous breakdown, but on the other hand, it is normal for MLCers to invent stuff, rewrite history, etc.

[futureunknown]

I was LMAO reading this Future. Way to go! It's amazing the feeling you get when you start standing up for yourself isn't it?

Yes, it is.

[futureunknown]

Definitely go to the P/T meeting. If she wants to be childish and walk out, then that's her problem.

I will definitely go, and she won't walk out. I know her well enough to know that.

I just wonder why you are so bent on doing everything now, and not wait for Jan? Did you not send out a similar email a week or so ago? Got a similar reaction.

I sent the e-mail because I needed to turn this situation around, and in order to re-establish respect, I need to do it on MY terms. January is HER terms. If I bow to that, it just perpetuates in her mind her image of me as her puppet she can control, which has been exactly right, until now that is. She deflected the last e-mail by telling me what I wanted to hear just so she could see the kids on Thanksgiving, then acting just as childish as ever. The truth is, I didn't send it just to get a reaction. It's how I feel. I'm through with her crap behavior, and blaming me for the consequences of her actions. She has been helpful and nice about the kids, no doubt about that, but that doesn't change what she's done, and how she's treated me. She's been using her niceness about the kids as a shield to protect her from consequences, and I can't allow that any more.

Don't get addicted to sending emails, hoping for wild reactions --- it may end up biting you in the @ss.

I won't. That's it. I need to stick to my guns now.

Your W is projecting her actions onto you, I think. She sees you as the inflexible, reactionary person, and her as the calm, giving person. Of course, she's going to say she won't pay for it. You played right into that, IMHO.

I knew she'd say she wouldn't pay for it. I don't care about that. I needed to put her way back on her heels. She is openly refusing to take the steps necessary to divorce me, as some sort of protest over the reasons why she wants to divorce me. Incredible!

[Steve McQueen]

but anyhow, i quess my question is is this your LRT or your final statement?

This is a LRT. If I was truly DONE, there would be no point to send anything. I would just get the legal stuff going, get it over with, and live my life, along the lines of what BeingMe is saying. The letter itself shows that the R is important to me, but it's a declaration that I've finally thrown in the towel.

OK, I got to ask. Did sending the letter elicit the response you were after?

I am wavering around a bit. I'm grateful to have this venue to safely express it so I can make the right move here. My W has an uncanny knack for portraying herself very kindly so as to disarm me. As I said before, she's a MC, that is a natural skill she uses with her clients all the time.

I dont think this was ever asked, how much experience does she have as a marriage counselor? do you think she on this site?

[futureunknown]

OK, I got to ask. Did sending the letter elicit the response you were after?

Yes. It got her openly stating she doesn't want to go to mediation, i.e. she doesn't want to take the actions necessary to end our marriage. AND, it is making her realize she is no longer in control.

I dont think this was ever asked, how much experience does she have as a marriage counselor? do you think she on this site?

She is a very experienced MC, but she and her colleagues have no respect for MWD. She's (obviously) from the school of "do what's right for you rather than the marriage".

I have worried quite a bit about whether she knows about this site, but I've seen no evidence of it so far. I've been hesitant to include specific details, but as the months have gone by, more and more has been revealed. Why do you ask? Are you her? LOL!

[futureunknown]

Here's what I have as a response to her:


D is my daughter and I will be attending. I think it would be best if we keep the needs of our kids above the issues between you and me. If you aren't going to be there at all, let me know and I'll bring D to you after I bring S and (other) D to school.

As for mediation, I'll pay the mediator for the session and we can discuss with her how we'll share the cost for the rest. It's my turn to pay for a session anyway.

I know this is hard. Let's just get through it ok?

H


I haven't sent it yet. Comments?

[futureunknown]

Puppy where are you?????

[Gnosis]

Sorry F,
Didn't have time for this before, so here's my "Blow-by-blow commentary":

Seeing my daughter so sad started to make me angry, and watching my W walk away from her pushed me over the edge.

I'm sorry man. I don't have kids but can empathize on how tough it is to live through this.

I know I probably screwed up showing her that much emotion, but I'm human.

You're human. It was a heart-wrenching situation. No one's going to 2x4 you for that.

my MIL shook her head and said "You should ask her if she's having a nervous breakdown."

Next time this is mentioned your response should be, "Sorry MIL, I've washed my hands of her. She's your daughter and responsibilty now."

My W arrived and was acting kind of b*tchy at first. <snip> I didn't let her foul mood phase me at all.

Good job.

I started wrestling with the kids and had my W laughing out loud as I let them beat me.

Also good. Let her see what she is throwing away. All this counts in your favor.

I didn't ask my W if she wanted to join us, and she showed no interest. She just sat there on the sofa looking annoyed.

She was annoyed that she wasn't invited. Not your fault. She had free choice and could have joined whenever she wanted.

as she walked by me she put her hand on my shoulder and said "Happy Thanksgiving H." I said "You too W."

I know that meant a lot to you. Enjoy it for what it was... a fleeting moment of the ice-queen melting.

It got an immediate response. She tried to call three times in five minutes. I answered none of them, but on the third she left a searing voice message.

Remember when you were on the receiving end of this? "Be the WAS"

What's weird is that my only behavior over the past few weeks is that I've been distant, and not even totally so.

And it's put a burr in her saddle. See? You create a crisis and she starts focusing on you. Doesn't matter that the focus is anger... the fact that she's thinking of you is what's important.

We had a nice Thanksgiving, and I brought the kids to her Mom's like she wanted.

You gave her a bit of carrot... then a bit of stick with the email. Good job. Play the game... hot/cold. Create the drama. Women love it! (Oops, sorry to the ladies reading this...)

Now about the mediation...

I sent the e-mail because I needed to turn this situation around, and in order to re-establish respect, I need to do it on MY terms. January is HER terms.

Yup, she's not going to budge on that, but it's OK. You're going to use this to your advantage. Come January you're going to change tack and avoid going because you're going to be TOO BUSY. The shoe's on the other foot now and we're going to soccer practice. Got it?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Here's what I have as a response to her:


D is my daughter and I will be attending. I think it would be best if we keep the needs of our kids above the issues between you and me. If you aren't going to be there at all, let me know and I'll bring D to you after I bring S and (other) D to school.

As for mediation, I'll pay the mediator for the session and we can discuss with her how we'll share the cost for the rest. It's my turn to pay for a session anyway.

I know this is hard. Let's just get through it ok?

H


I haven't sent it yet. Comments?

I think that's fine, altho I wouldn't end it with a question. I'd end it with "Let's just get thru this, for D's sake."

Puppy