Your husband had better realize how fortunate he is.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Glad to hear all is going well, I know as well just how hard the piecing part of reconciling is, we have had a few issues come up mainly with H's insecurity/jealousy issues, but we will get there.
Good luck with your continued piecing and sorting validation issues out. As always your recipes are just brilliant and if I lived in your part of the world I would over your house as quick as for cooking lessons.
You are treading on thin ice here, and you know it. You can't teach this to him. He has to take it from a 3rd party. Can you get him to a Retrouvaille weekend? This is the type of stuff they are great at dealing with. You take the garbage there, you deal with it for a day, and you leave it behind. When you go home, it's no longer with you. And they will teach both of you to dialogue with validation. Cuz until you feel validated, the dialogue is not over!
The issue isn't really whether I can teach it as it is will he learn it, and will he learn it *from me.*
Either way, tho, I am leaning toward a third party. I have 2 pre-paid DB sessions in my hip pocket for starters. The next Retro isn't until April here, so while that's an option (though we still have the thorny childcare issue), it's a long way off.
My DB coach, Joann, is supposed to have lots of good experience with alcohol issues, so hopefully she'll see straight through some of this hoo-ha.
He is doing great in many areas but he is still defensive and in denial about some stuff, too, in particular anything that would make it look like he did something 'bad' or 'wrong' in any sort of big sense.
As an example, he 'does not remember' that we had an agreement, discussed *multiple* times that a) while we didn't mind some flirting/banter online we were to let the other person know it was happening, and b) that even when we discussed the possibility of dating during the sep, we agreed to tell each other first. He reminded me that me discovering his EA with XBFF came a day or so after he 'caved' and agreed that we should separate. Sorry, I call BS there. He agreed that we should sep b/c he was having an EA and OW! was filling his head withthe usual crap!! Additionally, what, you say we should sep and that means you can tup whoever you want including inviting them to our house?? No freaking way. Alien-speech.
There's a distressing pattern that if he remembers a significant event or conversation and I don't, then I'm just wrong. If he's the one who doesn't remember, then the thing never happened and I'm making it up.
I am thinking DB session alone to talk about how to handle validation when you're also dealing with cognitive distortion (how to validate the *feelings* without validating/reinforcing/agreeing with the *distortion*, and to discuss the need for help with validation in general, then a joint session.
On the upside, he went through the house and took a bunch of stuff that belongs to OW and OW little girl over to OW's mother - stroller, toys, little girl shoes, OW's special pillow, etc. Good riddance!!
He's also doing well with appreciation, affection, and housework. On my side, there happens to be a national shortage of a medication I take (natural thyroid) and I've been on a half dose for a month and have been completely out for the last few days. More should arrive3 next week, but the net effect is that I am tired, cloudy-headed and tending toward depression.
Last edited by Dia; 12/03/0907:59 PM.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
