Starting the process of the ending

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I am good man, thanks for asking.

Pretty funny...in a more ha ha f me sort of way, that whole I'm done, I'm not done cycle. You'll know for sure when you don't actually cycle that you are there in one repsect or the other.
That's why I usually don't put much faith in those statements at first.


I read somewhere of a study that says 'we' change out our friends just about every 7 years..but our social circle still rmeains about the same size...its like staff turnover in an office.

A good sign of ...positive...changes in her is when these parasites...ahem...I mean friends of hers start dropping off of her social calendar. Not saying she will instantly wake up or anything like that, it just shows that she is re-evaluting her life.

The cool thing about rebuildning, if you get there, you get to adress the issues you have with her as well. Its not just a one way street where you are grateful for her coming back, you get to throw down some guidelines too.

"Look this whole the bathroom isn't good enough bull crap? Tell me how to fix it, or do it yourself, but stop complaining about it." : )

I recommend not doing that one for a little bit though.

[Lostforwords]

I sometimes believe in fate

Here is an example...a very influential person in my professional development had his anniversary on July 11th...the same day as mine. Even more odd...His wife and he chose that date because of an on going joke they had....the same with the wife and me.

I like the way Jack thinks...coincidence...his register date on this site is on January 25th or in other words....my birthday.

Then Jack references "A good sign of" and my wifes status on myspace this morning...."getting rid of the excess garbage...taking control". Yes Jack she has been talking with her Friends less and less as of late. She used to come home and start IM'ing, texting, and talking with her friends while ignoring the rest of us. In the last month or so she has shed a lot of those friends and definitely talks less with them and a ton....big TON....more with me.

Now the cool one of the morning. I got up early, went to the store, noticed her gas tank was low (she has to go out of town for a Dr's appointment), and filled it up. She calls and asks when I did it and I tell her. We end the conversation and she hangs up. She then calls back 30 seconds later to thank me because she didn't during the previous call. The changes are small and subtle, but 6 months ago she wouldn't have thanked me for anything.

[Lostforwords]

Weird weekend with the wife. A good example being a communication breakdown we had. She was talking non-stop as usually and I missed something. When I didn't reply she got upset and said "How are we going to get better if I stop wanting to strangle you everyday?". Now I am confused....and the woman talks non-stop which makes it worse. Sometimes she is talking to herself and if I respond....she tells me that I am bothering her. Then she talks and I don't respond...so I am ignoring her. Or else she complains about not sleeping well...non-stop I might add. So I ask her how she slept last night and she snips back "You pay to much attention to my sleeping habits".....well if some body keeps complaining about something isn't it polite to ask?

Good weekend other wise. Got a lot done around the house and the kids behaved for the most part. So all is good. Did get a reminder after football Sunday morning that I am not as young as I used to be...damn I am sore. Add to that, I am the biggest guy on the field by at least 40 pounds adds up to the reminder that running wind sprints covering 160 pound 25 year old receivers can turn painful.

[Lostforwords]

Sometimes I wonder why I am really here. Is the marriage really worth saving in the wrong run or should I cut my loses and start from scratch to hopefully find some one that may respect me and value me? Examples of such...Yesterday I made the whole Thanksgiving meal (not something new...something I do ever year)...and yes I did get a "thank you, it was very good", but that was after a few critical comments about my cooking. Then this morning I get accused of screwing up her car radio...enough for her to call me from work. I have no recollections of screwing with her radio and definitely did not intentionally do what she said I did. She kept going on and on until I finally caved in and said...yes it had to be me.

It has always been that way in our relationship....her holding me to standards that she probably can't even meet.

Just confused today

[nikblondiew]

Lostforwords........I understand how you feel. Completely.
Is the marriage really worth saving in the wrong run or should I cut my loses and start from scratch to hopefully find some one that may respect me and value me?

Exactly how I feel. I know my needs aren't being met, days I wonder if there is too much water under the bridge. Everyone tells me don't you want to be with a man who can love you the way you deserved to be loved? I'm having the hardest time letting go. I've known no one else. I've been with my H since high school. We have a son....been together 12 years. It's so very hard. I'm trying to let go and grieve but he can't leave me be.

[Lostforwords]

Exactly Nik...you seem to understand it completely. Does help that you are in the same boat sadly. There are small baby steps all the time, but it feels like there should be more. At least we deserve more than being thrown away for basically nothing....just sucks.

[nikblondiew]

Oh yes, I know! I've spent the last two years giving everything I had to him. I put in 150% and get a whole lot of nothing.
He has made small steps - he watched the Love & Respect video which he would've never done. We went to our first counseling session on Thursday. He previously sad don't even bother I'm no going.......so those are major steps I don't mean to minimize those but my son and I are still back at my parents now, everything still seems to be about him, what he decides, when, etc. In the meantime, I'm working on myself and continuing the work that needs to be done for me.
I don't expect everything to be rainbows but there is more to life than this........why can't I let him go?

[Lostforwords]

I wish I had that answer. Some probably lay in co-dependence, integrity, loyalty, lack of confidence, and in your case long term familiarity. For you, he is basically all you have known for your adult life so on some level for you...a little fear. It is definitely understandable, but doesn't make the situation any easier. I think that is one of the reasons why gal'ing is so important to DB'ing. It gets you ready mentally to know that there is more in this world....you get to see it, feel it, taste it. Were as if you sit and wait you don't have the opportunity to get those feelings.

It does appear that your husband is making a little effort towards reconciling though. It almost seems like you are at a cross road to decide what you want. So what do you want?

[nikblondiew]

Well over the weekend I tried to establish some boundaries.......I kept our communication minimal unless it was about our son. Yesterday he made some desparate attempts.
He said to come quick or I could regret it. Tell our son he loves him, come quick but don't bring Jack. So after a few attempts prior to this of getting me to come I finally did once he started talking like he was considering hurting himself. I went there.......and he said I just didn't feel good. I told him that was unacceptable to trick me into thinking he was doing something more serious. I asked him if he needed something from me, if not I was leaving. So I did. He then called me later and said please come over with Jack. I'm tired of crying, tired of being alone. Please come and stay the night with Jack. So we did. I felt bad. He cried a lot and our son asked him why he was crying he said cuz daddy's happy. he hugged me and said I'm sorry.
Not sure what he's sorry for exactly but I was too exahusted to find out at the time.
So...........awww now what???

[ClingingToHope]

We went to our first counseling session on Thursday. He previously sad don't even bother I'm no going.......so those are major steps I don't mean to minimize those but my son and I are still back at my parents now, everything still seems to be about him, what he decides, when, etc. In the meantime, I'm working on myself and continuing the work that needs to be done for me.

It's that cold-hearted indifference that is an arrow through the heart. Every day you wonder how long will that pain last -- even if you are doing the steps to make you better.