Hey K! I felt upset yesterday about Helen and about the past 2 years and that I still get a little insecure occasionally. Not because I'm not good enough, or pretty enough, or anything.. just because someone can have that amount of power, to choose to walk out and that was a harsh lesson, as I was totally devastated when he did. It was humbling and humiliating when he left me.
The Helen thing upsets me because its humiliating that she met EVERYONE. She had that status as his new gf. MIL was still being awkward with me up until this weekend. My bf finally confronted it (she practically blanked me Friday and he told her off.. ) she's been super nice since! We have NO idea why its taken her 6 months to get over feeling wierd about me and him being back together (she 'lost' him again I guess).
The other thing that upset me was I filled in a mortgage application and the only box that applied was 'single'. I told him ticking single upset me, but he just hugged me reasuringly. Everythings so normal like the last 2 1/2 years never happened, that I got upset and said why me? Why am I the one that this happened to?? Why am I the lucky one? He said HE was the lucky one, because I waited for him. I said, but why did you come back? He said, "For LOVE, because I love you. What is love afterall? I dont know, all I know is I love you." So he IS committed. Just after the trauma of the past 2 1/2 years and losing that status as his gf to someone else, its important to me to get M and I feel I deserve him to marry me now! Why doesnt he get that?? I even told him at the weekend I wished we were engaged.. he just pulled a sad face!
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Ha.. well his LL is also gift giving (like me, not financial, more thoughtful, loving gestures).. so if he is thinking of it, he'd want to catch me by surprise! If so.. he is a damn good actor though
[quote Just after the trauma of the past 2 1/2 years and losing that status as his gf to someone else, its important to me to get M and I feel I deserve him to marry me now! Why doesnt he get that?? I even told him at the weekend I wished we were engaged.. he just pulled a sad face! _________________________ ] [/quote] Ali, just some questions for you-I don't expect you to answer online but for yourself. Firstly maybe the trip home where he had taken Helen-(regardless of whether he wanted to or not) upset your mood. How much of the marriage/ children thing is your own personal body clock and how much of it is a deal breaker in your relationship? Depression takes a long time to overcome and sometimes never goes completely away.You once stated it didn't bother/affect your mood but I am sensing it does-now in the new R.(His depression I mean) Secondly and this is something I have seen time and time again, children do not cement a relationship, they are often the final nail in a rocky relationship.(I am NOT saying your relationship is rocky) just food for thought. Don't let a sense of entitlement for a ring and the happy family senorio undo the progress you are making.(I do understand your frustrations and reasoning though)
Are you willing / happy to stay knowing those things are not on the near horizon and may never be or when you both get to that page,your body says sorry no can do? I guess all the marriage thing was talked about before his leaving and your separation,are his views now different or because of what you endured have your views changed?
No advice, just don't let these feelings fester. This is a huge issue for a woman and certainly one you need answers to,sooner rather than later. Good luck and I am wishing you well,you have done so well and I am hoping this matter gets resolved soon.
Forgot to add, I would be thrilled to read you get that sparkly ring for Christmas. All things are possible and nothing is set in stone! pardon the pun.
Hi Naej, thanks for your good wishes! Ah, that could be tricky for him to choose.. we both hate gold jewellery and diamonds and he knows I like hand made unique rings..he probably wouldnt know where to start!
Its actually more him than me, he wants us to have children, but I'm not 100%. Rather than cement our R, one of the reasons I'm not sure I want a family is we are so 'together' and loved up I'm not sure I want to introduce a massive distraction like a child!! So it is a dealbreaker for HIM I fear, but not for me. What concerns me about having kids is I know his depression will never go away completely, so I wonder how he'd cope with the stress and how I'd cope with him and a child.
Yeah, I guess the past 2 years has changed my views alot and I really do want to get M now! So M may be a deal breaker for me, but not children. BUT he may leave me one day if we dont have kids...?
Yeah I have come far havent I? I applaud anyone who gets over an affair or a gf. Theres always reminders, like back home this weekend - his brother may have a new house, but we still stayed in the same spare bed he and Helen shared..its a good job I'm so easy going!! We 'christened' it though, as he put it.. xx
Hi Ali, I think the idea of an online support group for the spouses of depressed people sounds great, if you can find it. And congrats to your bf on standing up to his mother for you!
I have to agree with what Naej says about children and how they make an unstable relationship much worse--over and over on these boards I've read stories about partners whose marriages drifted apart while their attention was on the children. Personally, I found that first sleepless year when I was exhausted with lack of REM sleep and didn't want to be touched after the incessant neediness of my high-maintenance firstborn, was the beginning of a shift in our relationship that almost ended it.
Still, knowledge is power--if you know all the pitfalls to avoid, your relationship will stand a better chance. If/when marriage talk comes up, though, it would be good to discuss whether/not kids are a dealbreaker before proceeding further....
How long have you been reunited now? Considering it takes 12-24 months to be completely over the disruption to a relationship, you seem to be doing extremely well. Rest assured, over time thoughts of Helen will be far less invasive, will hardly prick you, and the humiliation of knowing that your bf paraded his relationship with her in front of everyone you know will cease to matter.
Perhaps it would be good to set a mental date by which, if he hasn't proposed, you would initiate a frank discussion about his feelings on marriage? Marriage is, after all, a partnership, so leaving all the power of deciding in his hands must make you feel as though you lack agency?
Your BF making the phone call is a very good 1st step. Now he needs to follow through. That is the toughest part for him. If he can make it to the first appointment and then to the next two or three, he'll be well on his way and will most likely be sticking around.
The first "ice breaking" session is critical, but the follow up is probably the most important. For you, all you can do is to try and reassure him that you will be there to support him through his therapy. Make sure he realizes there isn't anyone who will love and support him better through all of this than you.
Remember you can't do it for him, but you can clearly let it be known that you're there to pick him up when he falls and reset him on the path his therapy will lay out for him.
Hey Cyrena, yes.. he finally did!! She has been super nice since, called me twice. Finally, I killed her with kindness and acting as-if. Rob.. he hasnt even spoken to them yet. Sigh!
I had tried not to think that - that having a baby could break our R, but you're right, it could. I do wonder what our dynamic would be. He hasnt mentioned trying though, so its not looking likely! I will be 39 in March, the age my Nan's periods stopped. He does know and I told him I was concerned. He just hugged me.
We had a row last night, our first proper one. I told him I felt he was being a bit selfish. He got annoyed and said maybe he was, but it was better he was honest and said what he felt instead of going along with things. I said of course it was, but in this instance, he said no to a family event that put me in a very awkward position. I said I dont ask him for much, I 'go along with things' and had to get past stuff (like Helen, the beds I've slept in, spending time with his frosty mother etc etc).. all for the sake of the relationship, because I want this to work, also to make life smoother for him and make sure his needs are met, but mainly because I wanted to, because I love him and thats what couples do..they do things for each other at times, its important that he spends time with his mother etc, so I bend and compromise).
I dont know who was right or wrong, but we both felt hurt. I told him I do some things also, because deep down I worry if I dont, he will get annoyed and leave me again. He looked upset and gave me a big hug, but again, just silence back. Later, he said he was upset, because we had words and he hates having cross words with me, that we never did and he hates it. I said it was ok for us to have conflict now and then. Truthfully, I still feel he holds the balance of power in this R, but maybe thats an illusion and just my fear. Afterall, its pretty shocking that someone can up and walk out, but would he really do it again?
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
