Separated, new baby, but still hopeful

[P17]

oh I forgot to add that I'll push it back a little. Will still do Thanksgiving tomorrow but not bring up the tree and not do anything else overly nice.

Let him bring up the tree again and you can take it from there. If he brings the tree up again, then he is obviously keen to do it.

[newmama]

[quote=P17Let him bring up the tree again and you can take it from there. If he brings the tree up again, then he is obviously keen to do it.[/quote]

This sounds like a good idea. I don't need the tree anytime soon; I can wait for a week or two!

But I did tell him "let's see how it goes" so does that sound like I am going to be the one to bring it up next?

There will definitely be an opportunity for him to bring it up when I ask him to get out the decorations this weekend.

[newmama]

Okay, so here is how today went. WH came over about 8:15. He had texted me to see if I wanted a coffee drink from Starbucks, but I declined (just was too full).

When he came in, he saw all of the Thanksgiving stuff on the counter as well as apple cider with cinnamon sticks and orange slices on the stove. I told him not to make his breakfast sandwich because we were going to have a Thanksgiving meal today, just the 3 of us. He looked surprised and said "I'll be here tomorrow, too" and I said "I know, but I don't know how many Thanksgivings you'll be going to tomorrow so I thought we could do it today."

He said "That's very sweet." Then looked down at our baby, and kissed him.So I told him the meal plan and started cooking, preparing the brine for the turkey breast and some other stuff.We were making chit chat about this and that.

At one point he asked if I would be making sugar cookies again this year for Christmas and I said of course--am doing all the traditional holiday stuff.

As I played with our baby on the floor, he comes over and AGAIN tells me how good I am at making sure our baby is educated and getting all the right stimulation and growing experiences, etc. I tell him thank you; but I am trying to make the most of it while staying home this year.

Well, I stop to nurse our baby and ask WH to please make the cranberry sauce (he has always done this in the past) and he asked if I wanted help with other stuff so I asked him to also get the mac and cheese going and just keep an eye on the potatoes. He got busy cooking, singing aloud (like he used to), talking to me about our boy, bustling about in the kitchen.

So it comes time to sit down for our meal. WH carves the turkey. We sit at the table with our baby in his highchair and WH feeds him applesauce in between bites of food. WH is very quiet. My gut tells me that it isn't bad that he is quiet. I keep up the conversation, not talking too much about future events other than asking when his mom will see Carter.

WH thanks me for cooking all of this. I said you cooked too, thank you! He remains rather quiet for the rest of the afternoon.

He had purchased some groceries earlier today to beat the crowds. He put them in the fridge in the garage. I went out there and noticed Thanksgiving type food (egg nog, buttermilk, I didn't dig too much more). I know this is for tomorrow with OW. I assumed they would be celebrating it together. It didn't hurt too bad for me see it...I imagine they will go to her mom's house and he will be celebrating Thanksgiving without me or his baby boy, without his family (his sister and mom, etc) without my family. Totally different experience. Her mom knows all about what's going on. What a lovely meal they will have, surely! (ha ha.)

You could argue that I gave him the Thanksgiving meal today so he won't have to miss it, but no, it was not in the same spirit. It was like see what you are missing out on? We could have had a lovely family meal if you would just be a husband again.

So then a couple hours later he put our baby to sleep and got ready to leave. He said goodbye and he would see me in the morning.

My goals for making the meal were to create a compare/contrast situation for him (me and our home versus her and his crazy stupid choice).

[newmama]

just a couple thoughts...

Back in May, I actually found an old thread on a different website from 2002 created by a woman in a very similar situation as mine, with a WH who was similar, and she was taking the same approach as me (well I guess I am taking the same approach as her), and her H came back after 9 months. Why? He said he missed his life and his home. He was crazy about his baby girl. A month after he came home, she and WH finally kissed. They had another baby 2 years later and in 2008 were still happily married. She didn't post past that year. So his initial motivation was not to return for HER! But he said he never stopped loving her.

Another thought...time and again I have read that the WAS come back due to their own reasons, separate from what we do. HOWEVER I want to believe in Michele's principles; that our behavior can cause others to change their behavior.Enticing and drawing the WAS back by changing ourselves without chasing is one way.

one more...I think that if I were to act the way I am now right after DDay, it wouldn't have made any difference but the reason why I think it MAY make a difference now is b/c of the stage of the affair. But I am observing changes in WH's behavior to determine if it is working...time will tell.

[P17]

Another thought...time and again I have read that the WAS come back due to their own reasons, separate from what we do. HOWEVER I want to believe in Michele's principles; that our behavior can cause others to change their behavior.Enticing and drawing the WAS back by changing ourselves without chasing is one way.

Chasing never works. I wish I could jump back in time and apply these principles only a few months ago when I chased and pursued. I suppose the only saving grace I have is that it was only a couple of months of chasing. But still.

why I think it MAY make a difference now is b/c of the stage of the affair.

What stage is the A at?

[Jstar]

newmama, hi. bluerain said we said some things in common and you are a saint. I'm 7 months pregnant and WAH left 6 weeks ago. I'm very high risk, been hospitalized, work and he does absolutely nada to help me take care of the house, get water, feed dogs/cats/ change cat box. we are at the p oint of not talking at all. i used to hear alot of i plan on working things out with you, i want to leave the rest of my stuff at the house, y move it out, blah blah. nothing as far as actions.

I have the upcoming birth and maybe i'm mean but i tol dhim if we weren't a family as husband and wife he could not be there for the birth, if he could not help or be there for me now what made him think he could just show up for all the glory of the birth then walk away again. we don't have to go to birthing classes since my births are all planned csections-due to high risk.

we have d2 and i just changed how she is cared for while i work, he no longer will see her, cause me stress and anxiety over the drop offs, issues with his mother caring for our d2. maybe selfish but i think that in light of my pregnancy doing EVERYTHING just me with no support- even no support monetarily wise, i can eliminate some of the stress by not having to see him for exchanges.

so i've now implemented the lrt, next tuesday have a court appointment with concilliation services to try to save the marriage.

i don't want our children d2 or newborn bonding with any OW, don't think it's happened yet, but i never know. i have d18 previous marriage and had so many issues with her father's revolving door of women. i do't want that for my children or the split homes division of holidays. i didn't have these children to be divided.

ok ive rambled of course not sleeping.

[newmama]

Jstar, first, I am so sorry you are going through this. Being pregnant is hard enough but having a 2 year old on top of it while going through this...wow.

I would like to know some information--how long have you been married, when did the affair start, what is the OW like, has he cheated before?

I am doubtful that conciliation services will work at this point though (b/c affair is still in place) but maybe you can get some financial support from it. Are you filing a legal separation? How long have you been doing LRT and how long will you do it?Are you waiting for him to file for D? Do you plan on letting him see the baby after birth? Do you think he wants to be involved in his children's lives? Would your H would file for D just to get parental visitation?

Also, you should know that my WH left when I was 7 months preg as well, but wanted to keep helping me with the house, stay involved with the pregnancy, be there for our son. He swore that he would never flaunt OW in my face or talk about his "relationship" with her. He has kept his word so far.

We started divorce paperwork in March, then changed to legal separation to keep insurance (I am taking a year off from work). We went to a therapist together and separate. The therapist told me my WH was genuinely confused,that I didn't have to write off the marriage yet. We never filed any legal paperwork, he has left 90% things here at the house. We did divide the bank accounts and I opened separate account. We drafted a parenting plan, financial support plan, each kept a copy for ourselves, showed our therapist. He gave me phone numbers to mediators.

We never went but I went NC with him for remainder of pregnancy except for dr. appts and birthing classes and I let him be at the birth BECAUSE
1) I was terrified that he would not bond with the baby and not be involved in his life and
2) I hoped it would help "wake him up."

Well, he bonded with our son but he did not "wake up." He even lived with me in a separate bedroom for a week before the birth and 2 weeks after. We discussed the divorce at that time; he admitted he didn't know if that's what he wanted but he didn't think it was fair to make me wait for him. Nothing happened.

I let him COME OVER to see his baby as much as he wanted because I wanted him to bond and I did not want OW to bond with the baby. He has been over 6/7 days each week, pays money, and I just started letting him take our baby Saturday mornings to OW--the hardest decision but am desperate to implement my no chasing/no pressure plan--part of the 180 believe it or not! A

The reason I am not doing Plan B now is that I can't bare to let the OW see my baby that often AND I am seeing some small changes in his behavior with my current plan (within last 2 weeks). I called a divorcebusting coach who said to keep this up until New Year's, then reevaluate.


Jstar, I look forward to hearing the answers to my questions and I recommend that you start your own thread so other people besides me can help you! :-)

[newmama]

P17,
this is to answer your Q about the stage of the affair.

Based on what I read, affairs last 6 months-2years. If my H started the affair as an EA in August 2008 (it became physical October 2008), it has been in place for 1 year 4 months.

I exposed it to our family and friends when he "moved in" with her April 2009 (7 months). He had 9 months of secrecy.

So, based on the fact that the affair is not shiny and new anymore*, and he has had the opportunity to "live the fantasy" for 7 months now, I figure he might be starting to realize she wasn't everything he was imagining.

I figure that because he hasn't taken action (that I know of) to file for D, he is not 100% sold on the idea of spending the rest of his life with her.

At the same time, he hasn't ended it yet so he must not be sold on the idea that he should stay with me.

SOOOO, I am hoping that at this time he is comparing and contrasting the two of us and I am kind of in competition with her. SHE is most likely starting to relax and show her true colors since they have had 7 months together now.

Hopefully by being the best woman I can, it helps to improve me for a future relationship with or without him AND makes me look like the better option.

I could be completely wrong and full of sh*t but it motivates me to have hope and keeps me from filing for D.

*when a new romance is in its beginning stages, the lovers will listen to no one and only want each other. (Then again, some affairs end immediately on DDay....)

[Jstar]

I don't believe he's having an affair at all, i m doubtbul that he will since the last time we were seperated he dated someone and knew what it did to me. but then i reallyhave no clue. he has only said words that he would nto do that again, doesn't want to totally mess things up with us since he knows if he did it again i would never take him back, not taht his words anything at this point.

We were legally married in feb09 but together for almost 3 years if you count the 9 month seperation.

during our time together there has been many stressors of me loosing both parents, grandparents, a miscarriage. i think me needing him so much he just couldn't take it.

he says to me well weeks ago, he has to figure out how to let go of his anger, we saw a counselor once and she said to eliminate all people who were against us not getting back together, to committ to eachother and children and work each day to reconcile, give it a time frame if not improved then to divorce. i was committed but he felt like he was being controled and pressured. so i finally just started doing lrt.

you mention alot about bonding with your son you are a far better person then me. he is not even concerened, well i bet he is he just doesn't know how to do soemthing about it. just like he thinks one day he's going to wake up and suddenly realize he's not angry with me anymore. as i asked him and the counserlor asked how was he going to let go of the anger, answer is nothing but dead silence.

i believe which i can be totally wrong that the closer the birth comes the more he's gonna flip out. in the sense of he's gotta get his crap together. with doing lrt i don't even want to send him my scripted comment about the birth. i think any contact i make he will see it as persuining him which will push him even further away.

[newmama]

Jstar, sorry, I thought your H was having an affair.

I think Divorce Remedy is such a smart book! So is Getting Through to Your Man (I think it's called).

I honestly don't know what to do in your situation, since I've never dealt with marriage problems before this-- (His f&*^ing affair)

why does he have anger issues? Maybe conciliation services will help you since he's not cheating on you!!!