I'm brought to tears by all your responses, your thoughts, hugs, and concerns. Thank you so much for being here for me during this confusing and sad time.
I'll have to incubate on these ideas and respond soon - I'll be back.
Cognitive dissonance is an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding two contradictory ideas simultaneously. The "ideas" or "cognitions" in question may include attitudes and beliefs, the awareness of one's behavior, and facts. The theory of cognitive dissonance proposes that people have a motivational drive to reduce dissonance by changing their attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors, or by justifying or rationalizing their attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors.[1] Cognitive dissonance theory is one of the most influential and extensively studied theories in social psychology.
Dissonance normally occurs when a person perceives a logical inconsistency among his or her cognitions. This happens when one idea implies the opposite of another. For example, a belief in animal rights could be interpreted as inconsistent with eating meat or wearing fur. Noticing the contradiction would lead to dissonance, which could be experienced as anxiety, guilt, shame, anger, embarrassment, stress, and other negative emotional states. When people's ideas are consistent with each other, they are in a state of harmony, or consonance. If cognitions are unrelated, they are categorized as irrelevant to each other and do not lead to dissonance.
A powerful cause of dissonance is an idea in conflict with a fundamental element of the self-concept, such as "I am a good person" or "I made the right decision." The anxiety that comes with the possibility of having made a bad decision can lead to rationalization, the tendency to create additional reasons or justifications to support one's choices. A person who just spent too much money on a new car might decide that the new vehicle is much less likely to break down than his or her old car. This belief may or may not be true, but it would likely reduce dissonance and make the person feel better. Dissonance can also lead to confirmation bias, the denial of disconfirming evidence, and other ego defense mechanisms.
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
So, are you saying that the WAS attempts to justify leaving to themselves even in the face of evidence to the contrary?
As for helping me, I guess it could be "My spouse left me. Therefor I am unlovable ("always" thinking). instead I could turn it to "My spouse left me. Their loss. I'm lovable."
Hard to do when I seek to justify his leaving too! lol. I guess I tend to see all the things I did wrong and say, "of course he will never love me again." And this is CD. The realistic statement would be, "We both made mistakes, not just me. I am lovable no matter what he thinks, even with my mistakes. I am learning from them and am a better person because of that."
Looks good on paper. Will take some time to convince myself. THanks everyone.
The points from reading up on cognitive dissonance are, first, to show you the conflict in yor H's mind might be playing out and, two, to show you how negative absolutes (always, never, etc.) Can produce megative thoughts and emotions.
Also, cognitive dissonance is going on within you (and us), based on your on thoughts/beliefs such as H is the ONLY person with whom I can be happy. If you can change your thought, your emotions will follow.
Cognitive distortion is what happens when a person uses a version of negative absolutes (or other mechanisms listed on the cog diss link I posted) to rationalize (even justify) an unreasonable belief.
In the end, when I read up on this stuff, I saw a lot of my W, and ME, in these concepts. And its helped me change my emotions from bad to good by properly adjusting my thoughts to reasonable ones.
It seems like the beat theory to understand what is going on with our WAS(s). It helps make some sense of mood swings, confusion, and conflict they are going through.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
These are fabulous tools to help thanks friends. EB I've given up trying to understand my spouse. His constant anger and negativity are hurting me too much and I can't fathom why it's going on. I feel it is abusive, but I still don't even know. I'm so confused.
GIMA, Yes, I think this is helpful re: me feeling like I'll "never" be happy again, with anyone else, etc. It's empowering to stop those kind of thoughts.
I'm too concerned with how a D will affect my S to worry about myself. All my holding on at this point is for him.
I realized something tonight. H will probably not change. He will not come back as the loving H I once knew. He will continue to be the same mean a$$hole he's been. I have to stop thinking that DB is going to turn him into a kinder, more loving, pursuing person. It's just not happening. Gal and NC just gives him license to isolate and not care even more. I can only really drop the rope when I expect the worse - that he continues down the abusive path. In a way it's liberating because I stop trying to analyze my every move to try to win some love back. It's pretty depressing but I don't have to feel responsible for his angry outbursts anymore. (Although I still do - I'm getting there anyhow)
AND I'm p.o.ed. I'm mad at him for leaving us. I'm mad at him for breaking up the family. I'm mad at him for not talking to me. I'm mad at him for yelling at me and S. I feel I am doing so much here to try and figure out what will work to hold the family together and I AM MAD that he refuses to sort through any of our problems. I am mad that he continues to blame, criticize, and belittle me. And maybe I am mad at myself for hanging on so long.
