K4D Rising #4

[Startingover2]

If I'm showing "frustration" and "anger," that's not my intention. I am TRYING to set mutually healthy BOUNDARIES.

There have been some times when I have gone beyond setting a boundary when I let my frusturations get the best of me to where I just flat out wasn't nice and I said it like I saw it.

I think that is what he is referring to.

I don't think he has any issues with boundaries.

Kevin

He said:

I don't think you showing open frustration and anger every few weeks because she hasn't change her mind is going to work. It is going to take a year or two of love and kindness no matter what she does to convince her that you are different.

What is he referring to? I'm sorry, and I could certainly be wrong, but when I see "it's going to take a year or two of love and kindness no matter what she does," that smacks to me like UN-BOUNDARIED CAKE-EATING that he wants you to put up with.

In fact, "no matter what she does" is pretty much the DEFINITION of enabling boundary-hopping, isn't it?

Puppy

I agree. If you are bending over backwards trying to get her to see this new nice and loving guy putting up with her crap for a year I think she will just smile and continue to cake eat. What does she have to lose? Nothing. She can play and still know that you will still be right there waiting for her.

[K4D]

I think I wonder what she has to lose by me setting boundaries also. She has plenty of guys at her disposal in better positions in life than I am. What does she have to lose there?

Kevin

[Steve McQueen]

I think I wonder what she has to lose by me setting boundaries also. She has plenty of guys at her disposal in better positions in life than I am. What does she have to lose there?

Kevin

there you go again kevin. what does SHE have to lose. what will SHE gain. what does SHE think. what about HER. HER. HER. HER.

Its got nothing to do with her. forget about her.

ITS ABOUT YOU! Start considering YOU.

[25yearsmlc]

did your brother in law say anything about Detachment or DBing? Better take another poll and see where the wind is blowing to decide what to do...come on...last week it was filing...before that it was dating...before that it was standing...and that was in the past 3 weeks...maybe 4?
You cannot commit to a decision...it's as if you think this is a small idiosyncrasy, and I'm not bashing you; I"m telling you that you have some real stuff to work on before you can be an adult, let alone a man your w is going to want to be with... I remember many things you have said that were so striking to me, but you kind of passed them off as tiny asides....

You said you have "always been depressed but for some of the time your m, and then you got depressed IN the m and started drinking and"... ya da ya da....none of that is being addressed so of course you think you need your w to be happy b/c you cannot recall ever being happy except part of the time with her. Don't you see, that THAT is not normal or healthy? And If your wife died, with your view of happiness only with her, you'd be sad and down the rest of your life. And if that is not true, then figure out why. Is it that her death would be easier for you b/c a divorce is more of a rejection? If so, then we're talking about ego and self esteem, not HER and how she's the ONLY ONE who can "make" you happy.. Work on that...please

You said that you "don't know how to be a man" or to "man up" and that you preferred for your w to make all the choices in the home and finances and socially....see, to me, that's startling. Yeah, you actually said that. And To you, maybe it's nothing. But if you realized how that sounds to 90% of women, you'd have done something about it...I assume. And here's the thing that just occurred to me...
You don't really read and reflect on long posts or the many thoughtful ones here, MAYBE partly because you can barely keep up with the new posts...so maybe we need to back off and let you truly read the many things people have given to you with their time, thoughts, prayers, the experiences they've shared with you==many of which were deeply personal and painful...and often you never commented on them. You didn't seem to "get it" when someone made a point that others found blindingly obvious. Or maybe you had to process it more but then someone else posted and you never got back to it....or maybe we just didn't see much of any change...

Point is, you do get the number of posts here that 4 men might get, and still, even after a year, you cycle through the same old stuff every month. If you take some time off journalling here for advice on each conversation with your wife and thoughtfully read old posts, maybe you can read your own and realize that you repeat your words and behaviors quite a bit. Maybe you will have an insight and maybe it's lead you to action on your own. Look at the advice you do take in the big picture..if it requires little to no actual movement, you'll nearly always choose that route, and your second choice is to pursue. I now wonder if the more you get posts here, the less likely you are to carefully read what you have been given...and therefore so much wisdom from CG, Stuck, Strong, Ppenton and many many others...goes wasted. [/b]Why not try to back off a bit and take in what we have all said?
How much time do you spend on THIS site? Maybe that's a problem too. Get out in the real world and do stuff NOT related to getting your wife back...
(Wasn't another complaint your w had too much time on the computer?)
This isn't a punishment; it's a suggestion to you..what if you let go of us and this site (and your w!) [i]for awhile and read what was written to you and by you all those months ago, and recently...and then read thru the stages and see how you recycle thru them...inching forward. REFLECT & PRAY...Face it all and maybe you'll find that it's time you take a leap forward
j-

[CityGirl]

IMO I think you really have to learn to set boundaries. You seem to equate boundaries with being a hard ass or being unkind or ugly. Boundaries are not about that. A few pages back there were some EXCELLENT posts about boundaries and why they are essential. I personally have not read the book(s) about boundaries that were suggested but why not give them a try?

I feel you base everything you do on not upsetting your W. When you finally started to set boundaries she did not like it. Why do you think that is? Because she realized she was no longer in total control of you. If you take a toy away from a 2 year old because they are not behaving do you just give it back because they throw a fit? No. You must follow through. And really, according to what you posted once you did start to set boundaries it seems your W started talking to you MORE about stuff other than kids/finances. Had you kept that boundary in tact which actually was HER desire you might have seen some further movement but you caved because she was showing you attention and now she is back in full control free to stomp on you when you are not useful to her and free to use you when she needs something (venting about her family for example).

And I do have to agree with 25, many of us make you long, personal and deep posts and you don't say a word about them, you don't engage in anything further and you usually just respond with "I ate pizza".

You just keep spinning and at some point you will need to plant your feet and do SOMETHING. Talk to your priest/C all you want but I highly urge you to remove your brother in law as one of your "counselors" as it seems he is keeping you spinning based on what HE thinks. HE is not living YOUR life.

Last night my H came here to drop something off that he could have easily put in the mail plus I had a bag of things for him that would have been too expensive to ship. I told him to text me when he arrived and I would meet him outside (boundary). I was nice and polite about it but I told him that is how the exchange of goods would take place. I met him outside, said a cheery hello, he asked how I was and I said GREAT and I gave him his stuff and he gave me mine. He said I looked good and I replied with a cheery THANKS and told him to have a nice night and waved goodbye. He stood there shuffling his feet trying to think of more to say. Sorry. No chit chat. The point of his stopping by was to exchange goods (boundary). I was polite, civil, kind but not going to stick around and get drawn into a chat about anything. He chose, I accepted and that is that. If that made him sad, mad, confused or whatever that is HIS issue. Not mine.

Does anything I did last night sound rude to you?

It is possible to set and execute boundaries with a smile, civility and kindness.

[Startingover2]

She may not like the boundaries...in fact she will probably hate them. Who would in her position? I really like what CG said. Smile, be cheery, no chit chat. Do what you need to do and be on your way.

[K4D]

25, CG, SO2, and all others,

Quite frankly, there is more thrown on here than I can process or do. I DO read everything. Nothing goes unread. And it is true that at times I will want to respond, but then continue reading and get side tracked or feel there is to much to respond to. So I just acknowledge that I have read it. And sometimes I don't acknowledge every individual post. But believe me, I read them all. I take them all in. It is hard to process as much information as gets thrown at me though.

CG, I see nothing wrong with how you handled the situation. 25, I probably need a break from this site. SO2, I agree.

Kevin

[Tomato]

YOOOO Bro!!

I was just supremely razzin you and your sorry a$$ team over on mine.

Be well and be giving and receiving (in that order) the love of Christ.

No expectations!

[Tomato]

btw bro

some people including myself make a choice to find renewal and refreshment and just the chance to collect yourself and take a good hard look at things all around you maybe ...by taking a departure form here every now and again. I can't recall if you have done that either at all, recently ...??

[K4D]

I occasionally do. But I don't stay gone very long.

Kevin