I am not a guru by any stretch of the imagination. I have learned a ew things, but only after paying attention to many others here who know much more than me.
Many of us (myself included) were co-dependent upon our spouses. We relied on them to make us happy, fulfill us and make us "feel whole." The truth is, the only person responsible for my happiness, fulfilment, wholeness is....ME. A relationship built on the belief that my spouse is supposed to make me happy is destined to fail. And, it's just unhealthy.
So, we all have to embrace the fact that we, and we alone, determine if we will be happy. You have to like yourself and have respect for yourself in order for you to be happy. That means respecting yourself enough not to be treated badly (being insulted, yelled at, run down by another). If you are treated badly, you played a part in LETTING it happen. Either you put up with it, or you simply accepted it as normal (maybe you thought you deserved it). So, like yourself enough to be treated well.
Once you understand, and accept, that you alone are responsible for your happiness, you stop putting your moods, emotions and feelings in someone else's hands. That doesn't mean you don't open yourself up to a relationship. It means that if spouse is having a bad day or is in a bad mood, it does not make you have a bad day/mood. And that's b/c your happiness does not depend upon SPOUSE's mood.
Now, detachment, I believe, means you know you will be ok no matter what. I know you don't want to be D'd, he!!, none of us really want to be D'd. But those are the cards we were dealt (and, quite frankly, dealt ourselves). So, you have to deal with it.
One of two things is going to happen - divorce or reconciliation. Obviously, reconciliation, if done for the right reasons, is what we want. But, our spouses are in the fog. And, maybe for the first time we have had to come to grips with the reality that we DO NOT CONTROL them. So, let that go.
That leaves D. Something none/few of us thought we would be dealing with, right? Well consider being D'd for a moment. Do you believe you will be lonely the rest of your life on this Earth if you were D'd? Do you honestly believe you could never find another person to share your life with? Notice I didn't say a person to "make you happy" b/c that's YOUR job. And the answer to the question is NO. Of course you will be happy. And, yes, there are many other people out there with whom you could be happy - and, dare you consider it - HAPPIER than you have EVER been?
The point is to reach the realization that if you end up D'd, it is NOT the end of the world. It seems like it now, but, really, it's not. You still have your children. You still have a long, full life ahead of you (IF you choose to make it so).
So, accept that you are ALREADY D'd (you are). Now, set about improving yourself for your NEXT R. You want that to be with your H, but it may not be. In either case, make the decision to be happy. More importantly, realize you WILL be fine no matter what.
And realizing the truth that is you WILL be fine no matter what IS detachment. And it leads to a better frame of mind and a healthier place. When I alone am responsible for my happiness, then I have no excuse being unhappy. NO EXCUSES.
So work on getting to detachment. Then, there is more work to be done. But, you can't do it until you get there first.
Checking in again on you Hope. You got some great advice on detaching. I agree that you must detach. I feel like I finally have. It's easier in my sitch since H is out of the house and I don't see him nearly as much as you see yours.
I see my H with different eyes now and the ugly behavior he has shown to me is not what I deserve. I imagine if I were to start dating him now as if he were a stranger, would I be interested? NO. My attitude towards him changed. So, would you be attracted to someone treating you the way your H is?
Thanks for checking in on my thread. I hadn't updated it in a while since nothing was happening. But this week H and I finally made it to counseling. I am still processing it and will update.
On Gardener's thread there was a post on Let It Go from Serenity. So good.
M40, H39 M17 T20 D13, S12 H moved out 05/09 D filed 1/10
Coach hit the nail on the head in the post above. Great post by GIMA too. Check out the hyperlink on GIMA's post to the article on detachment. It is one of the best articles I have seen thus far on the subject and I think that you will benefit from reading it.
You have got to detach Hope. It's the only way you are going to manage through your sitch.
I hope all is well with you. Take care.
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
My H has been away since Th. morning - I just found happiness inside myself tonight. I have not been able to do it, but today I did. Now H comes back tomorrow and I'm super afraid of what will go down.
I am not a guru by any stretch of the imagination. I have learned a ew things, but only after paying attention to many others here who know much more than me.
Many of us (myself included) were co-dependent upon our spouses. We relied on them to make us happy, fulfill us and make us "feel whole." The truth is, the only person responsible for my happiness, fulfilment, wholeness is....ME. A relationship built on the belief that my spouse is supposed to make me happy is destined to fail. And, it's just unhealthy.
So, we all have to embrace the fact that we, and we alone, determine if we will be happy. You have to like yourself and have respect for yourself in order for you to be happy. That means respecting yourself enough not to be treated badly (being insulted, yelled at, run down by another). If you are treated badly, you played a part in LETTING it happen. Either you put up with it, or you simply accepted it as normal (maybe you thought you deserved it). So, like yourself enough to be treated well.
Once you understand, and accept, that you alone are responsible for your happiness, you stop putting your moods, emotions and feelings in someone else's hands. That doesn't mean you don't open yourself up to a relationship. It means that if spouse is having a bad day or is in a bad mood, it does not make you have a bad day/mood. And that's b/c your happiness does not depend upon SPOUSE's mood.
Now, detachment, I believe, means you know you will be ok no matter what. I know you don't want to be D'd, he!!, none of us really want to be D'd. But those are the cards we were dealt (and, quite frankly, dealt ourselves). So, you have to deal with it.
One of two things is going to happen - divorce or reconciliation. Obviously, reconciliation, if done for the right reasons, is what we want. But, our spouses are in the fog. And, maybe for the first time we have had to come to grips with the reality that we DO NOT CONTROL them. So, let that go.
That leaves D. Something none/few of us thought we would be dealing with, right? Well consider being D'd for a moment. Do you believe you will be lonely the rest of your life on this Earth if you were D'd? Do you honestly believe you could never find another person to share your life with? Notice I didn't say a person to "make you happy" b/c that's YOUR job. And the answer to the question is NO. Of course you will be happy. And, yes, there are many other people out there with whom you could be happy - and, dare you consider it - HAPPIER than you have EVER been?
The point is to reach the realization that if you end up D'd, it is NOT the end of the world. It seems like it now, but, really, it's not. You still have your children. You still have a long, full life ahead of you (IF you choose to make it so).
So, accept that you are ALREADY D'd (you are). Now, set about improving yourself for your NEXT R. You want that to be with your H, but it may not be. In either case, make the decision to be happy. More importantly, realize you WILL be fine no matter what.
And realizing the truth that is you WILL be fine no matter what IS detachment. And it leads to a better frame of mind and a healthier place. When I alone am responsible for my happiness, then I have no excuse being unhappy. NO EXCUSES.
So work on getting to detachment. Then, there is more work to be done. But, you can't do it until you get there first.
This is one the finest Gima posts ever (and there have been many). The next time you or anyone else give the link to that great livestrong.com detachment article, a link to this post should be included.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
You are fearing something that you do not control and that, at this point, has only occured in your mind. Stop worrying about something you can't control. What food does it do?
While you don't control what your H does, you DO control how you react to it.
What are you afraid of? At the core, what is it?
And what helped you find that inner happiness (a very good thing you now know)? Hope, YOU are the only person who can take THAT inner happiness away. Why would you give H the control and power to take THAT away from you?
great post earlier about detachment and happiness Gima. I am going through something similar, where I relied on my WAS a great deal and when she left I was devastated. She was pretty much everything to me and I was left with nothing. Ive been working the past couple of months on myself and it feels great. I still have my bad moments, usually last a couple of hours, but its better than having bad full days.
Hope, I havent seen my WAS in over a month, then she came by last week to drop something off. I told her I didnt want to see her, but she didnt think I was home. The encounter only lasted about 2 minutes, I didnt say anything to her only listened. When she left though, all the emotions came streaming back. It was hard. The hardest part of my situation is the loneliness, which I relied on her to fill. I am still working on that part, and I know I am getting better. People around me see it and I feel it. Your best bet is to go NC, it makes it easier to detach.
Sitch: http://snipurl.com/u4zrz
M-11y
D talk-7/28/09 W Moved out-9/01/09 W wants D-9/22/09 W doesnt want D-12/1/09 W Moved in/I Moved out-12/21/09 W wants D-1/19/10 D Final-04/15/10
Thanks, all, especially GIMA. I haven't been responding b/c I'm letting these fabulous posts sink in. Really working on the making myself happy thing. And the 'I can only control what I do/think/feel - not what H does' thing. It's so proufound and permeates so many aspects of life, I'm just integrating it daily = will get an update to you all soon.
What helped me find inner happiness? Well, I had four days away from H. About half way through, my panic attacks stopped, I began to just be able to focus on my life wihtout him in the picture. This is not usually the case becasue of the child custody thing - we're always in each other's lives because we have a little boy. I could see how much happier I was just being away from him to focus on me for a while - I guess I need to find a way to focus on me even iwth him around so much.
Also, I spent Saturday gardening with a dear female friend and my son. The combination of fresh air, nature, a good friend, being productive, making my house beautiful - all combined to a peaceful feeling. I awoke totally depressed and panicked, I ended the day feeling strong, happy, and at peace.
What am I afraid of? Well immediately, anyone who follows my sitch knows I am afraid of H's anger and emotional abuse. That is foremost something I spend way to much time shivering in my boots over and trying to avoid by "being good enough" and yes, I know this is unhealthy. Secondly, I'm afraid of not being able to support myself with a little one (I've always been an at home mom) and losing my house. Thirdly, I'm afraid of the damage growing up in two homes will do my son.
Do I fear being lonely forever? Sure. Not because I wont meet anyone, but becaUse I have a long history of meeting these angry cold abusive guys. Almost exclusively. I not only fear dying alone, I fear spending my remaining days with more of an abuisve [censored]!
What am I afraid of? Well immediately, anyone who follows my sitch knows I am afraid of H's anger and emotional abuse. That is foremost something I spend way to much time shivering in my boots over and trying to avoid by "being good enough" and yes, I know this is unhealthy.
I can understand this very much. That is a reasonable thing to feel & be wary of, but chose a different action rather than shivering in your boots & trying 'being good enough' to control his abuse is not healthy. And I know that is easy to say to others
Tell the little girl inside Hope4Luv that she is good enough to be loved by the adult Hope4Luv.
Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
Secondly, I'm afraid of not being able to support myself with a little one (I've always been an at home mom) and losing my house.
Again, understandable.... what could you do if you believed you can handle it?
Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
Thirdly, I'm afraid of the damage growing up in two homes will do my son.
Have you read about the damage inflicted on children who grow up in an abusive home seeing their mother disrespected by their father through emotional & verbal abuse? Think of the role model your son would then carry into his adult life & marriage? Think of your grandchildren & the possibility of that future damage.
Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
Do I fear being lonely forever? Sure. Not because I wont meet anyone, but becaUse I have a long history of meeting these angry cold abusive guys. Almost exclusively. I fear spending my remaining days with more of an abuisve a$$hole!
It's hard to be lonely if you love being with yourself.
Having left an abusive a$$hole... I'll take the lonliness anyday to the walking on eggshells & constant worry, control & manipulation of 'life"... making sure he was 'happy' so he didn't blow up.
It gets better, I promise.. It's ok to feel your fears.. they are reasonable. I hope you can make choices from hopes, not fears though.
Peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
What helped me find inner happiness? Well, I had four days away from H. About half way through, my panic attacks stopped, I began to just be able to focus on my life wihtout him in the picture. This is not usually the case becasue of the child custody thing - we're always in each other's lives because we have a little boy. I could see how much happier I was just being away from him to focus on me for a while - I guess I need to find a way to focus on me even iwth him around so much.
...sounds like you are on the right track. It's great that you could find happiness when H is not around. But, as you realize, the hard part is being that happy when he is around. Keep working on that.
Quote:
What am I afraid of? Well immediately, anyone who follows my sitch knows I am afraid of H's anger and emotional abuse. That is foremost something I spend way to much time shivering in my boots over and trying to avoid by "being good enough" and yes, I know this is unhealthy.
Yep, you're right. It isn't healthy. And, I hope you realize this is something you are letting yourself experience. Don't give H that power over you. If he yells or is disrespectful, calmly remove yourself from the "conversation" and room where he is. Tell him you will happily have an adult conversation with him, and by "adult," you mean civil, like two human beings treating each other equally. And until he is capable of having a civil discussion, you will not participate. This is a boundary Hope.
Quote:
Secondly, I'm afraid of not being able to support myself with a little one (I've always been an at home mom) and losing my house.
So, what information do you need to gather and examine to set your mind at ease? What are some available jobs in your area. Make a plan. It may not be easy, but it's not impossible to make it. Remove the fear of the unknown by arming yourself with information.
Quote:
Thirdly, I'm afraid of the damage growing up in two homes will do my son.
Understandable. I have that same fear. Anyone with a child and an ounce of compassion/conscience has that same fear. But, like the other posters, I agree that if your S is in an abusive environment, that is doing more harm to him than would a D. I'm not saying S doesn't need both parents, but that he needs BOTH parents. So, if he's really only getting one "parent" right now based on H's behavior, maybe D is not worse for him. Only you can answer that question.
Quote:
Do I fear being lonely forever? Sure. Not because I wont meet anyone, but becaUse I have a long history of meeting these angry cold abusive guys. Almost exclusively. I not only fear dying alone, I fear spending my remaining days with more of an abuisve [censored]!
So, you are afraid of what YOU may allow to happen to YOU? I know what you are saying. When that time comes, re-assess what is truly important to you in a R. Identify the qualities and character traits you want.
As for the fear of being lonely, I had that same fear. That was the bedrock fear motivating most (all?) of my negative feelings. Then I read some information about cognitive dissonance and cognitive distortion and learned what Coach meant when he said "Change your thought, change your emotions."
"Cognitive dissonance" is basically the conflict a WAS experiences. "Cognitive distortion" is the next step a person takes to rationalize a bad decision into an acceptable one. But these two concepts will allow you to see how YOU are allowing pessimistic thinking to create a lot of negative emotions.
The exercise goes something like this. I have a fear - being D'd. Identify the base/core of that fear - I fear ALWAYS being lonely after D. Is that a rational, logical, probable belief? No, it isn't. So, change your thought to a reasonable, probable one - I will NOT be lonely after a D. Then, watch what happens with your emotions.
If you are a reader (I am), pick up a copy of "Learned Optimism" by Martin Seligman. It has literally changed the way I look at my life, all for the better.
Hope, I suspect that your self-estemm has taken a battering (something we can all say here). I think if you can work on your sefl esteem, a lot of your issues will either be gone or you will be able to manage them.
