my W doesn't regret her affair

[Gnosis]

As usual, she did manage to disarm me somewhat.

That's OK. Practice makes perfect.

I am finding myself thinking much more about what I want and what I'll be satisfied with in the future. Even as I imagine possible reconciliation with my W, I am keeping in mind that I have other options.

Good, this is healthy. Just don't forget the goal here is still to get her back.

I noticed one person conspicuously absent from that group, and that fact has stuck with me. However, when I finished the race, I checked my phone, and there was a message from her saying she was hoping my race was going well.

You were setting yourself up for disappointment there. I'm glad she sent you that message. Don't try to figure out what's going on in her head.... when you don't even know what's going on in your own.

Here's what happened last night. Gnosis, although I understand why you're saying there's nothing to talk about.....

Hey, I ain't your Papa... and don't wanna be either.

My history with my W requires me to make myself clear. I am hamstrung a bit because I was so moody during my M. If my W sees me acting aloof or distant, it brings up old familiar reactions in her that do me no good. So I did want to talk to her tonight to state why I was insisting on completing the separation.

This is A-OK with me. I'm only human and make mistakes too. Never forget that the advice given here is based on the limited information at hand. God gave you have a mind of your own and expects you to use it. All we can do is point out tactics and provide perspective. We arm you with information and you have the choice to use it.

I said "When I agreed to delay our separation, I clearly stated what my expectation was." She sounded tired and defeated.

This is not your problem. One word: Consequences. See what happens when you take action?

She said "OM and I broke off all communication a few days ago, for good."

That's nice to hear.... now you know why she was tired and defeated. She was mourning her loss of the OM and her fantasy. Let her mourn, but don't believe it yet.

She said "I'm not dating anyone else, I don't want to date anyone else. If you want to date someone, that's up to you."

Test: Fishing expedition.
WAW speak: "Are you seeing someone else? Is it really over?" Ignore it. Continue to do what works.

I don't have any money or anything inside to deal with mediation.

I hope you stuck to your guns here. Remember... You're "still done". Don't change tack yet. It's too soon. Keep pushing the fact you're willing to come up with the cash. You're WAS remember?

I'm facing two major holidays without my kids for much of the time. I said "Well, that's part of what was at issue here, what my position was going to be regarding how we handle the holidays." She said "I think we should handle them whatever way is best for the kids, regardless of what's going on between you and me."

Remember what I said about crisis? Cool. Keep fanning the flames.

I said "If our marriage and family are over and done, then I think what would be best is for the kids to start accepting that."

Bzzzt! Wrong answer. Remember... you're WAS. Remove the "If" at the beginning of the sentence and the "then" after the comma for the best answer.

She said "This doesn't change anything between you and me.

Yeah.. right! You just dunno the new Future! You did good there with the rest of the answer.

She asked if I was going bring the kids to her Mom's place for Thanksgiving, where she will be. I said "I have another option, but I haven't decided yet. Given what we talked about here, I'm willing for us to do Thanksgiving together, so I'll tell your Mom we're coming."

Bravo. Nice gesture. Good move. When it comes, enjoy it. Be lighthearted, happy and fun. Go find three jokes to memorize and practice telling them... and then on T-day be the life of the party.

I don't know how I did. My tone was very calm, but I tried to make it strong and decisive. I didn't talk about my feelings.

I for one thing you did excellent. Keep it up.

I simply stated and stuck to my boundary, that unless she broke it off with OM then our M was over, I was moving on, and we wouldn't be doing any more things together as a family.

And despite her revelations... nothing has changed. You keep pushing for the mediation ASAP until she tells you that it's not what she wants. It is possible she told you what she did about OM to shut you up. Cheaters lie. Period.

What I noticed is that her whole position was all about her, her, her.

Proof. Nothing's changed. Keep rocking the boat.

All she wanted was consideration for what she's going through. She did give me what I wanted, but I wish I had been able to think quicker on my feet and ask "Why?" when she said it was over with OM.

Nope. She gave you what you wanted to hear. Nothing else.

So, do I trust that she's truly ended it with OM?

No. Not at this moment.

Do I ask her for tranparency?

NO. She has not asked to reconcile has she? She has not said, "I want to give this another try." She IS an MC... so will be expecting this when she is ready. SHE IS NOWHERE NEAR ready yet.

I can just imagine it now.

Get this crap out of your head. Now is not the time. You continue with the game plan. You are WAS. You want out. You have options. You are having a FABULOUS time without her.

I'm not really sure where to go with DBing from here.

Keep doing what we've been telling you this past week.

If her A is over, then I guess my strategy has to change, but after all this, I need to pull back and live my life. We'll see how Thanksgiving goes.

YES. Let's see how T-day goes. Make sure you've got your new, hot, single, stud on the loose look taken care of by then.

I know I probably could have got this better in my favor had I held a harder line for the last several months, but I didn't, and here's where I am.

That's why I've kept my trap shut and just followed your situation until now. You weren't ready for it. Only when you have nothing to lose and have completely let go of the grip of fear can you move on. For some it takes weeks, others months... others never.

I hope you all don't give up on me now!

I'm still here banging away at the keyboard aren't I?

Congratulations. FutureUnknown... BTW maybe it's time to change your name to "IHaveDecided"

[futureunknown]

Thanks Gnosis for the detailed feedback.

I am finding myself thinking much more about what I want and what I'll be satisfied with in the future. Even as I imagine possible reconciliation with my W, I am keeping in mind that I have other options.

Good, this is healthy. Just don't forget the goal here is still to get her back.

Sometimes I think it would be better if I did forget that!

I don't have any money or anything inside to deal with mediation.

I hope you stuck to your guns here. Remember... You're "still done". Don't change tack yet. It's too soon. Keep pushing the fact you're willing to come up with the cash. You're WAS remember?

I actually didn't address it one way or the other. Today I got an e-mail from W to mediator and me saying she couldn't meet until January. I had previoudsly said I was okay with delaying our separation provided I wasn't living in an open marriage. Given what she said to me, how do I continue to push the mediation without looking like I've gone back on my word? Simply say I've changed my mind?

She asked if I was going bring the kids to her Mom's place for Thanksgiving, where she will be. I said "I have another option, but I haven't decided yet. Given what we talked about here, I'm willing for us to do Thanksgiving together, so I'll tell your Mom we're coming."

Bravo. Nice gesture. Good move. When it comes, enjoy it. Be lighthearted, happy and fun. Go find three jokes to memorize and practice telling them... and then on T-day be the life of the party.

No problem there. That's one area I've excelled at throughout this whole thing. I can easily have her laughing or sharing a meaningful conversation. Those are the times I'm so perplexed as to why she doesn't appear to want to be with me.

If her A is over, then I guess my strategy has to change, but after all this, I need to pull back and live my life. We'll see how Thanksgiving goes.

YES. Let's see how T-day goes. Make sure you've got your new, hot, single, stud on the loose look taken care of by then.

I think I've done okay here too. I actually enjoy shopping for clothes now. I'll make sure I'm looking good.

I know I probably could have got this better in my favor had I held a harder line for the last several months, but I didn't, and here's where I am.

That's why I've kept my trap shut and just followed your situation until now. You weren't ready for it. Only when you have nothing to lose and have completely let go of the grip of fear can you move on. For some it takes weeks, others months... others never.

I am embarrassed how long it's taken me. I think back to some of the things I did and said earlier this year and I cringe!

[futureunknown]

There is a concert here in a couple weeks by an artist that is one of my W's faves. Don't want to pursue, but do want opportunity for us to spend time together and re-bond. Is there any way I could or should open the possibility of going to the concert with her? I could just bring it up casually on Thanksgiving, like "W, are you going to see XXXXX in a couple weeks?" Then just play it by ear based on her response.

If she says "Yeah, I'm going with so and so" I just nod and say "Great! Should be an awesome time!"

If she says "I didn't know XXXXX was playing here!" I say "Oh, I thought for sure you'd know and would already have tickets."

If she says "No, I'd love to, but I can't afford it, plus I don't have anyone to go with anyway" I say "Yeah, too bad."

If she gives one of the last two responses and her demeanor is forward to me, I could make a joke and say "Would it be weird for two estranged spouses to go with each other?"

If there's no way to even broach this without appearing to be pursuing, I'll just drop it. I KNOW she'd love to go with me, but I somehow have to flip it so she feels like I'm doing HER a favor by going with her.

Maybe I should just make my own plans and reply "I'm going, got great seats! Can't wait! Gonna be awesome!" and let her wonder who I'm going with. We often went to concerts together and I had a knack for getting great seats, which she loved. I guarantee if I say that she'll be jealous, but the thing is, if I don't go with her, I'm not really interested in seeing XXXXX. Just not that into them.

[Gnosis]

Slap on the forehead... what part of "Be the WAS" don't you understand?

[Gardener]

Hijack
Hey, Gnosis,
I finally (just) got back to you on my thread.
End hijack

[futureunknown]

I was just asking! LOL! I am not vesting in going at all. That's why I said I would only do it if I could make her think I was doing it as a favor to HER. It's a thing we used to do together that I'm sure she misses. Perhaps I should bring it up just so I can purposely NOT ask her!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

She'll see thru that in about two seconds, Future!

[Steve McQueen]

Slap on the forehead... what part of "Be the WAS" don't you understand?

whatcha teachin' gnosis ;-)

i love you but i'm not in love with you.

repeat that to yourself, future, repeat it over and over and over and over until every interaction you have with your wife you reek of it. like onions on your breath. Be the WAS. experience different results.

[futureunknown]

She'll see thru that in about two seconds, Future!

I thought so, but I needed it bashed into my dense head. That's why I brought it up here, so you folks can prevent me from convincing myself otherwise.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Happy to oblige.