I've got no problem with the Sunday dinner thing as long as you keep the mindset of NOT pursuing her. It's OK to show off what she's missing, but when the sole purpose of the dinner is to show off then that's pursuing.
As for the the car. Yeah, no problem there as long as the motivation is goodwill and not to win her back.
Remember: The changes you are doing are for YOU. To better yourself. They have nothing to do with her.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
Yes, the bringing her car in was simply a matter of doing what is right. It takes no effort from me and makes her day easier considering her work load and stress of dying grandmother. Not brining it in would be "tit for tat".
You have my word, Sunday dinner will be dinner only. No pursuing or hanging out while she cooks etc. It will be me having dinner with my kid(s) and their mom.
Greek - I get that, but please note: the things I say here, I would never say anywhere else. This is my safe place to deal with my thoughts and emotions. The more honest I am with you folks, the more you can help me.
And I get that. And the more honest we are with you, the better. So...honestly...things like getting pissy with the drawer space and then INVITING HER FOR SUNDAY DINNER is probably not going to get you anywhere - with her or the R or YOURSELF.
You were so emphatic with me in one of your previous posts that your W now has a big sweet tooth for CAKE - that she's a cake eater. Well she sure is! And you, my brother, are her bakery window! Which cake do you want, wife of BTM? Car solutions? Sunday dinner? Then you call her to explain yourself. She KNOWS you will do that, btw. Is there no end to the cake she will eat? Up to you, pal.
The reason you seem 'tit for tat' to me (woman talking here so you might want to LISTEN for a unique perspective as yet unconsidered on this particular thread) is when she emptied her drawers, there you were making sure she knew that you were going to spread your stuff out and fill those drawers. I think you would have made a stronger impression if you would have just left the room altogether - maybe gone for a jog or started cooking a lunch for yourself - just left her to her walkingawayness. Then, when she is gone, if you need those drawers, fill 'em. B/C you want to. Not to SHOW HER. That's what a confident man would do. Be confident she will notice that you move on in these small ways. Parading them in front of her and THEN INVITING her for family meals is counterproductive.
It might have felt satisfyiing to you to jump right on filling her space right then and there, but I'm thinking she walked away from that episode with "yeah, that's what I expected from him. What a pr!ck."
When I left, Coach stayed out of the way altogether. Then one day I came to pick up D12 and noticed he had moved his drum set in the middle of our livingroom. No ceremony. No exposition. He just did it. He didn't dare me to say anything about it. It was there b/c he wanted it there - it was his deal. Think I noticed? Not just b/c there was a big drum set in the middle of the livingroom but b/c of his confidence to do such a thing for HIMSELF...yeah. I noticed. And I was mad at first b/c I thought "Well that is JUST like him to ruin our livingroom with that junk...but wait...not OUR livingroom...now his livingroom b/c I left." He never had to say a word. He never fired a shot. The point was not lost on me...and he still looked strong, confident and about his buisness as a man.
If he would have texted me and said something like "Oh and I moved the drum set in the livingroom b/c I always wanted it there and now that your sorry behind is out of the way, I did it." I would have rolled my eyes and showed it as evidence to my friends that I was married to a child and they would have agreed.
Just my .02, friend.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
Why does my WAW want to go on vacation, clean the house, make Sunday dinner, go to my XMAS party????
Because she wants to stay married to you. She wants you to improve yourself, she wants to stop being contolled by you, she wants to trust you, she wants you to heal and grow up. She wants you to be the man she sees in you but it is being held back. She doesn't want to hurt you but doesn't know another way. She needs some space herself to grow.
Passive-aggressive behavior is controlling. Sexually abusing your wife after she was abused as a child is a huge hurdle for her. Keep up trying to get your little "wins" and it will reinforce her view of you. To use one of Puppy's fav lines, "Do you want to be right or do the right thing?"
You wife has not filed, has told you and your kids she wants you to change, you have no evidence or believe their is a A going on, and she wants to stay involved in your life. These are her actions. Your wife loves you enough to ask you to get healthy. She not telling you directly, this is a test. How are you going to handle it?
That being said, you need strong boundaries, you need to to prepare for either outcome and this journey is about you. Do the work on yourself for you.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Counter what? That she's naked? Or that she "seemed to purposely remain naked more than required"? Who knows what she was doing and why she ran over the clock on birthday suit? Maybe she had to dig a moment longer in the underwear drawer to find the right color - and with BTM's stuff in all her drawers, this could take longer! Kidding!
Assume that her nakedness is not about you or for you. Ignore the naked woman who is walking away from you.
In all my wisdom Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
Maybe she had to dig a moment longer in the underwear drawer to find the right color - and with BTM's stuff in all her drawers, this could take longer!
ROFL. Let it be known that women have a sense of humor too.
Quote:
Ignore the naked woman who is walking away from you.
Reminds me of a book I read. The title was based on an African proverb - Beware the naked man who offers you his shirt.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
WAW seemed to purposely remain naked more than required.
If you want to know something then ask. "Wife why do you walk around undressed?"
Otherwise we mind read - she did it on purpose. I will consult the rules on how long someone can remain unclothed to see if it was longer than required.
If it's bothering someone say something and set a boundary. The consequences could work out to be fun if she doesn't comply.
How to handle it:
- hand her a robe - disregard it - leave the room - set the boundary - join her - compliment her - enjoy the view - turn the A/C down - stop analyzing every move - go about you business
If she has been doing this their whole marriage why stress over it?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Why does my WAW want to go on vacation, clean the house, make Sunday dinner, go to my XMAS party????
Because she wants to stay married to you. She wants you to improve yourself, she wants to stop being contolled by you, she wants to trust you, she wants you to heal and grow up. She wants you to be the man she sees in you but it is being held back. She doesn't want to hurt you but doesn't know another way. She needs some space herself to grow.
Passive-aggressive behavior is controlling. Sexually abusing your wife after she was abused as a child is a huge hurdle for her. Keep up trying to get your little "wins" and it will reinforce her view of you. To use one of Puppy's fav lines, "Do you want to be right or do the right thing?"
You wife has not filed, has told you and your kids she wants you to change, you have no evidence or believe their is a A going on, and she wants to stay involved in your life. These are her actions. Your wife loves you enough to ask you to get healthy. She not telling you directly, this is a test. How are you going to handle it?
That being said, you need strong boundaries, you need to to prepare for either outcome and this journey is about you. Do the work on yourself for you.
Cheers
Coach. I could not agree more. I have really listened to what she has said recently and I am almost sure that she does hope for reconcilation some day. That's why has hasn't filed, wants me to keep the house going, etc.
Right now with her medical issues, work stress, dying grandmother and our situation, I honestly don't know how she makes it. I think she sees the move out as one thing she can control.
The biggest thing for her is to trust me and she certainly doesn't now. She hates feeling controlled, and I am trying to stop any controlling behaviour - but I can't help how she feels. That's something she needs to handle.
I am finally becoming a man. Whether my WAW chooses to be with the man I am or am about to me, is her choice.
WAW seemed to purposely remain naked more than required.
If you want to know something then ask. "Wife why do you walk around undressed?"
Otherwise we mind read - she did it on purpose. I will consult the rules on how long someone can remain unclothed to see if it was longer than required.
If it's bothering someone say something and set a boundary. The consequences could work out to be fun if she doesn't comply.
How to handle it:
- hand her a robe - disregard it - leave the room - set the boundary - join her - compliment her - enjoy the view - turn the A/C down - stop analyzing every move - go about you business
If she has been doing this their whole marriage why stress over it?
Hardly stressing over it. Just thought it was worth mentioning here - and only here. I already said I purposely ignored it by looking the other way.
It may not even have been on purpose - but she knows she is smokin' hot and knows that after 21 years, I still love her body. She really isn't the cruel type, but she just might have been teasing a little.
