Separated, new baby, but still hopeful

[newmama]

wow--My friend and I talked about my sitch and I told her my fear of her rejecting me if WH and I reconcile. She said she would stand by me no matter what. She understands why I still want to stay married to him. We talked a little more about what I am trying to do but I did not tell her that he is taking S every Sat. morning...I just didn't know if I could admit that to her!

We both agreed that WH will have a sad Thanksgiving and Christmas if it keeps going.

I also told her I planned on still decorating the house for Christmas and having the best time I could and she thought that would definitely cause WH to miss his home and consider what he has given up. She even said I could ask him to put up the Christmas lights on the house like he does every year but I don't know...maybe he will offer. It usually takes him 2 days to do it!

So I am glad to finally talk about it with her and incredibly relieved she supports me! She didn't even think he has written off coming back. It helps to give me hope.

[newmama]

just dropping by...he came over without his work bag... :-)
So far I have done everything on my list from yesterday! Yay! I deserve a small ice cream cone from DQ!

[newmama]

So he just left...no D talk. He brought up Thanksgiving and noticed the food I bought. He asked if it was for my mom's house.
I said yes, but actually I am planning on surprising him on Wed with a Thanksgiving mini feast of our favorite foods! I bought mulling spices and cinnamon sticks to add to apple cider warming on the stove. So he will walk in, smelling the yummy goodness and I will say "don't make your breakfast sandwich. We are having our own Thanksgiving; just the three of us." I really really think he will be touched!

I asked him if he would help me get out all of the Christmas decorations this week and he said sure. Then he asked if I wanted to go pick out a tree together to chop down (we've done this every year). I was surprised that he offered and couldn't help but pause before saying, sure. He said he understood if I didn't want to because it was too weird. I said "let's just see how it goes"

I hope that was the right thing to say...does it conflict with my no pressure/be agreeable plan?

[newmama]

oh and he was very nice, joking around, making small talk...things he hasn't done in a looooong time.It reminded me of
"kissing up" or "brown nosing"
If he is testing the waters, how should I be acting?
Should we go cut down the tree together?

I have butterflies...

[newmama]

So I have asked my mom and 2 friends about cutting down the tree and they all said "yes!" right away. They also thought it was good that I just said "let's see how it goes" for now...not too eager.

This morning he has sent joky texts...my old DH. I admit that I sent some joky ones back. I am so worried about getting too hopeful but I am protecting myself, too. This is the risk I am taking with this plan after all (cake eating)

[newmama]

Last night WH was neutral; not kiss ass but not distant either. We both enjoyed our son together. He put our baby to sleep earlier than planned, so we ended up in the living room, watching The Amazing Race (one of our shows). I sat on the couch, and was the first to lean on my right while he he sat in the rocker recliner to my right, leaning on his left.

He ate all my dinner and cleaned up the whole kitchen even though I told him that I would do it tomorrow.
Before he left he said "Goodnight, see you in the--see you tomorrow"

Should I wait until Wed to discuss tree shopping or bring it up tonight? Wednesday he comes over for the day & I surprise him with a Thanksgiving meal.

Will anyone please respond who is reading this? I would appreciate support. Thank you--P17 where are you?

[newmama]

Oh--I still worked out, avoided him from 5-7:15. So we spent 45 minutes alone together.

[P17]

I don't want this too sound too harsh. I have been reading your thread since the start so I am rooting for you two. However I don't feel I am the right person to answer this given my new sitch, so take what I say with a pinch of salt.

I think this is all getting a bit too friendly again too soon. I am just waiting for the message where you say that he has backed off again and you are devastated. I think you should slow down a little and take the pressure off of him and you. You can still be loving and caring.

I think you are being too keen and you are doing what I was doing in earlier posts - overanalysing everything such as him leaning one way and you another. I now accept MOST of this stuff for what it is ... just two people leaning. However I still do it from time to time (see latest post about her saying 'see you later'). I completely understand the temptation to read into it. Been there, done it, got the T-shirt so I'm not having a go.

You need to always bear one thing in mind - he is having an A and every single night he is going back to OW. It doesn't have to affect your every decision but you should remember it.

Should I wait until Wed to discuss tree shopping or bring it up tonight? Wednesday he comes over for the day & I surprise him with a Thanksgiving meal.

I'm not sure about the tree shopping. I'm really not. He is currently getting his cake and eating it which was a big problem for me and W. He is getting his OW on one hand and getting to play happy families with you on the other.

My take would be to do it with your mum. But if you're like me, that will be an incredibly hard thing for you to do as you will feel like you are pushing him further away.

If he wants to be a dad and an H then he must give up OW. Otherwise he is just your son's father. However if you give him that ultimatum it will likely push him out the door. What you are doing is good but I would back it off a little.

I can't remember reading about the OW. What does she give him that you don't? Do you know much about her (if it's in an earlier message I apologise - just point me to it).

[newmama]

cIf he wants to be a dad and an H then he must give up OW. Otherwise he is just your son's father. However if you give him that ultimatum it will likely push him out the door. What you are doing is good but I would back it off a little.

I think you are right--ultimatum = bad.

My take would be to do it with your mum. But if you're like me, that will be an incredibly hard thing for you to do as you will feel like you are pushing him further away.

Yes, I am worried that I would be pushing him away if he is testing the waters. This approach I am taking is totally bizarre (non intuitive) but is still a part of the divorce busting techniques and approved by the DB coach so I am going with it for awhile. I am still going to think about the tree shopping.

I can't remember reading about the OW. What does she give him that you don't? Do you know much about her (if it's in an earlier message I apologise - just point me to it).

Let's see...admiration (over the top),she is sexually aggressive, and immature--engages in adolescent behavior. They enjoy video games, roller coasters, rock music and they work together. I think basically she is the bad girl he never got in high school.

Thank you so much for reading and responding! You aren't sounding too harsh but still sound direct which I appreciate!

[newmama]

oh I forgot to add that I'll push it back a little. Will still do Thanksgiving tomorrow but not bring up the tree and not do anything else overly nice.