my W doesn't regret her affair

[futureunknown]

I'm really in no position to give expert advice but parts of what you wrote sounds like you're still throwing a hissy fit at W.

Wow, I was really trying to sound matter of fact, like I've just had enough and I don't want to bother any more. Interesting how everyone has different takes on this. I love getting the different viewpoints. When writing something, it's impossible to not read it back through the emotions I felt as I wrote it.

[25yearsmlc]

doesn't need to be more than 3-4 lines.

"I need to move on so let's finish this as amicably and efficiently as possible. I'll contact the mediator and..."

She can always make moves toward a reconciliation WITH EFFORT you'd need anyhow, in order to trust. But more wording sounds like a tactic to get her back and does NOT sound professional or done (& none of this "if you want to get back then call me...blah blah blah = pursuit)

If you want to move on or at least move on and still hope she changes her mind, keep it VERY simple and short. The more you write, the more details...the more there is to offend or analyze and critisize. Be mysterious and short. I have 2 family members who div only to remarry years later. It happens. And yes, they were happier the 2nd time around but no, none of them waited for the other to return. All 4 (2 couples) changed and grew while apart but maintained some contact due to kids.

They truly detached and let go and moved on. And later, when they had crossed to the other shore and explored, they were able to look back on what they had left and could see it more clearly for the first time. Mind you, that's not always the case when you see your m with open eyes. You may feel badly about your own part in all this or you may feel your ex did you a favor. My older sister's h left her with 3 kids after 22 yrs and she was heartsick...but he had always been the "taker" in the M....and now that she has moved on and remarried, she'd NEVER go back to her exh b/c she has 'awakened' to what her exh was really like and though she had no choice at the time, now she's so much happier. Her ex did her a favor. Who knows what you'll feel when you cross to the other side? Give it a real shot. But when you write that you are moving on, don't bluff. If she calls the bluff you have to go through with it or have no credibility. Besides, it's not over til there's a ring on her finger and "I do" comes from lips of her and OM...

In the meantime know that no woman is unmoved by the loving interaction of a man with HER/HIS children...be the best dad you can be. For me, it's like foreplay. And stay strong and calm. Have you read anything on "forgiveness" b/c in mho, the single biggest reason WASs do not come home is because they do not believe they will be forgiven and usually, they are right.

No one wants to have a mistake thrown into their face for the rest of their life, so the trust issue is two ways; how does she know you won't hold this over her head forever and thereby doom you two to misery for good? Plus if you do throw it into her face, it'll force her to EVENTUALLY defend the choice (if only to herself) and you'll be in deep water then...
You've heard that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself...well Forgiveness is also a learned skill that takes work and practice.
God won't put you somewhere that you are truly stuck in misery. Trust.
j-

ps try Marianne Williamson's book Return to Love, or The Gift of Change to see if her words on forgiveness or her exercises on it help you. "Return to love" was very helpful to me--a section on "Handling Fear and Anger" especially.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Oh for god's sakes, just SEND SOMETHING!!!!!!

That would be my "vote."

You're dithering.

Puppy

[antlers]

In the meantime know that no woman is unmoved by the loving interaction of a man with HER/HIS children...be the best dad you can be.

I think this is good advice and I've seen you post it many times on this board, and I believe it too...although in some instances, such as mine, I don't think the woman is 'moved' by anything that her husband does...even being loving and compassionate to their children.

[Steve McQueen]

When writing something, it's impossible to not read it back through the emotions I felt as I wrote it.

thats the problem with these kinda of notes. and then you dont know if she will ever read it or read it and think, oh jeez not again. and things go on as they always have and you get nowhere.

best thing to send her if you feel compelled to send her anything are divorce papers to sign and a settlement agreement adressed from your attorney.

i still think you will get better results if you give her a taste of her own medicine. get a girlfreind experience different results.

[BeingMe]

I agree with Steve McQueen, and I said so a couple of days ago. "The next communication to your wife should be from your attorney", but give it a couple of 'no contact' weeks to make sure if you are ready for this step. By not, at least, making the effort to honour your request to talk, she is holding up her middle finger, saying "I will talk when I want." She is using the "I need space and time" nonsense to shut you up. I am dramatizing this somewhat, but she knows d*mn well what she's doing. Yes, MC's can also fall --- they are human, but they also have training and can use it for "good" or "evil" --- to help or manipulate.

Just saying. If she wants to get back with you, even a little, she would've made the effort to talk and not made you wait, write letters, repeated yourself for an audience.

Boy, she's good! Just saying!

[futureunknown]

I don't have an attorney. As CityGirl as so eloquently put, going that route in NY is asking for a world of misery and five figure costs. We have been working in mediation, which is just her and me and the mediator. The only thing I can do is ask her to go back to mediation and get our agreement finished.

Truthfully, mediation is where I've had the advantage by far. I have her agreeing to support way below what she could probably get a court to force me to pay, I've got the child custody split the way I wanted, and I have her giving up her claim on most of my assets. All hollow victories when I've lost my family.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I don't have an attorney.

Fair enough. But does your WIFE know that?

Funny thing about some of these atty's, they give free initial consultations. Some of the best, most ruthless ones even have the attys' BUSINESS CARDS in their lobbies, I've heard. These business cards have been known to be left lying around sometimes, very carelessly, where anyone could find them. Computers have been known to be left with a page about "Cash Advance FAQs" minimized.

Just wouldn't want any of that carelessness to happen to you, my friend.

Puppy

[Gnosis]

Future,

"it ain't over 'til... fat lady justice farts."

Until then...

So.... moral of the story.... KEEP DOING WHAT WORKS and don't stop doing it until she's back or gone. From what I can see... she wants a MAN who can play hardball.

If the letter is so complicated then pick up the phone and call her. Just spit it out... "Hey W. I've been thinking and have decided. Let's get this done and out of the way. I've made an appointment for {date & time} to meet with the mediator and finalize this. I'll see you there."

When communicating with a WAW I imply, but never state, that it should always be in a Cool, Calm, Collected and Confident manner. The 4C's.

No need for a note. No need to hem and haw. No proof or evidence that can be used against you.

After that call I won't be surprised if she finds plenty of free time to call you and try arrange for a meeting. For the next 7 days after that YOU play phone tag. Don't answer calls. Let them go to voice mail. You return the calls at KNOWN inconvenient hours for her. Let her chase you.

Also... during this time you are "DONE" remember? NO R TALK. You've had enough (supposedly.) Pull this off and I'll send you a DB Oscar.

Just my 2c.

Oh, and anyone else going on about his wife being an MC... it means very little. At work she's an outsider looking in. Forests and trees apply to her too. What? Do you think she's special or something? Nope. She's not a robot, she's human. Same as any other WAW. No different. I was tempted to say something about my own sitch. here but it don't really matter. JUST take my word for it, OK?

[chatterbug]

Heh PDT. I did that with a card. And also some free paper work that they have as well. It was the only WAS proof part of the house I left about.