Separated, new baby, but still hopeful

[newmama]

Oh, now I get what you meant by singing! I read in one of the books that we can all tend to get so serious and lose our sense of humor over the years with our spouses. She says to lighten up and it is good advice. What made me laugh was when she said to "have fun" trying out the different strategies to get your WS attention (i.e. 180, GAL, LRT, Act As If). I think she meant to see their reaction to each. ???

Thanks for reminding me about the issue of friends and family to encourage me to D. I guess I am concerned that they are so disgusted by WH and could never forgive him for what he did/is doing and therefore don't respect me if I want to be with him. I have not talked to them about our situation since August. I told them that I would bring it up if I wanted to talk about it but instead lets focus on the rest of our lives when conversing.

I don't mean to sound immature. I am referring to my close group of 3 friends that I have known 12-20 years and WH and I have spent a lot of time with them! I have told 2 work friends and although I do like them a lot, I wouldn't consider them my family like the close 3. There was also no way that I could have kept this as a secret from the 3 close friends...I had to tell someone at work and trust those 2, plus they have experienced infidelity as well so they understood! But one's H cheated on her with at least 3 different women, and got 2 of them pregnant. So she couldn't put up with that (and NEITHER would I , I totally feel 100% fine walking away from WH if he got OW pregnant. I am NOT THAT STRONG.)

As for my family, they are supportive of whatever I want and genuinely like WH. Maybe they are supportive because they are older and wiser or because all have been divorced. (except my grandma--she actually just feels sorry for WH at this point!)

[newmama]

Oh, and if I do decide to D at some point, it would be WH's fault for messing up our son's life with his destructive action, not mine for choosing to not tolerate such treatment. So I don't really like that "guilt trip" if I choose to walk away from this whole mess and don't think it's fair.

I have stuck it out this far so that says something about my willingness to try.

[newmama]

WH is not here today; it's his "night off." He just called to check on our baby. He seemed relaxed and not in a hurry to get off the phone. I said goodbye first and wished him a good night.

[newmama]

I just re-read my thread and cringed at all of the sloppy grammar! I must admit that I type in a hurry and don't proofread before I push the "submit" button.

Tomorrow night is the exotic dance class!

Also, wanted to add that I don't wear my ring and I asked WH to give me his back in April. I never exposed the A to his work but they can wonder about his ring. He can make up any story though.
He asked me to please not throw it away and give it back to him some day so he can cherish the memories. I put our rings together with the anniversary cards he gave me that have handwritten things like "we can get through anything together" or "I am the luckiest man to be married to you" etc. etc.

People who don't know about the A just assume my ring doesn't fit right now b/c it didn't during my third trimester and I gained weight. But I am losing the weight now so it should fit soon. I guess I just keep it off and not say anything.

And I took down our wedding and "couple" photos back in April, too, but did not burn them or anything.

We only have 1 photo of both of us with our son; taken 15 minutes after he was born.It isn't up anywhere.

And WH's stuff is still here.The only things he has taken to his apartment include an old 32 inch TV, the espresso maker, some clothes. He did take the blow up mattress originally but brought it back when he stayed in the guest room for the 3 weeks around the time our son was born.

By the way, he used to try to make it sound like he was staying at his apartment. I KNEW he wasn't! (I used to say "don't you need a lamp or a chair?you must have to sit on the floor or rely on the ceiling light" just to mess with him) But then he left his bed (the mattress)here after the 3 weeks were up. I guess as a way to let me know he wasn't staying the night at his apartment.

He would talk about getting some of the old furniture but needed someone to help him. (Besides OW, none of his friends from work know about the A, and his dad lives out of town. So he has no one to ask for help unless he tells them!!haha)

He was renting his apartment on a 6 month lease, but when he brought up D talk last month, I asked him if he was still leasing and he said he switched it to month to month. Wow, so he is paying all the bills right now (until I return to work in August), the mortgage and $850 every month for his apartment!Not to mention the gas that it takes for him to drive to our house and back to hers every day!

Why bother with the empty apartment? WH is paid modestly but has always been good with money...surely he is racking up debt on credit cards, which is something he has always avoided in the past! haha lucky for him, if/when we R, I still have the savings from when we divided everything back in March and set up separate accounts. I have added more to the savings since then.
I have had my eye on this 56 inch TV with LCD screen, though ;-)

[P17]

Thanks for reminding me about the issue of friends and family to encourage me to D. I guess I am concerned that they are so disgusted by WH and could never forgive him for what he did/is doing and therefore don't respect me if I want to be with him.

I think taking back a WAS and working on your marriage is an incredibly strong thing for anybody to do. It's all to easy to throw in the towel (sometimes there is no other option though). To stand up, be counted and say what you want and work to getting it is something that is sorely lacking in our throw-away society.

But your friends are your friends. If they lose respect for you for doing something that is in your heart but is not what they would do, then you are better off without them. As I said, friends are there to pick you up when you screw up, brush you down and point you back down the road again. They are not for judging you.

True friends will stand by you.

[newmama]

Thanks again for the encouragement,P. People do give up on marriage rather quickly don't they? I think that being a child of divorce has made me feel more determined to keep this marriage.

My friends would just have to accept the R eventually. Like I said before, they can't just erase all of WH's good qualities because of this (not to minimize the destruction but I mean when/if we R, those good qualities will resurface)

I just think about old married couples in their 70s and what kind of history they may have had in their 50 years of marriage. Haven't you heard stories where they have overcome great obstacles that would cause people to get divorced in today's society?

I have a fantasy of imagining 40 years from now, telling this story to our teenage grandkids as a kind of lesson. And like someone said, what is 1-2 years in a span of 45 years with someone? (A WHOLE LOT EASIER TO SAY THAT THAN TO LIVE IT, THOUGH!!)

[P17]

Thanks again for the encouragement,P. People do give up on marriage rather quickly don't they? I think that being a child of divorce has made me feel more determined to keep this marriage.

My W is a child of two divorces / affairs but sometimes the opposite is true. People become what they have been through as it feels comfortable for them. It might seem insane to us, but it's not about us.

I just think about old married couples in their 70s and what kind of history they may have had in their 50 years of marriage. Haven't you heard stories where they have overcome great obstacles that would cause people to get divorced in today's society?

That's exactly what I think when I think of W. Just after W left, I went away for a week with a buddy camping. The tales he told me about his own parents had my jaw dropping. Then I thought if those two can come through that, what on EARTH is W doing have an A. I mean our situation, to my mind at least, is NOTHING compared to what his parents had gone through. It's the throw-away society - nothing is work keeping anymore. We want INSTANT gratification. It's also the work-shy society - if you have to actually work at anything, just try something else that is easier.

I have a fantasy of imagining 40 years from now, telling this story to our teenage grandkids as a kind of lesson. And like someone said, what is 1-2 years in a span of 45 years with someone? (A WHOLE LOT EASIER TO SAY THAT THAN TO LIVE IT, THOUGH!!)

You know what, I have EXACTLY the same thoughts. Every marriage (EVERY SINGLE ONE) has bumps in the road. No marriage is perfect and it's these things that make us stronger. Every story I have read about couples who recover their M say they are stronger for it. It's these bumps on the road that make us stronger.

But, we are human and our patience is finite. It's sad.

[newmama]

I went to the exotic dancing class! There were 4 other girls there, all a size 2 (not exaggerating) and some were training to get moves for a stripper job. I am not the most cooridinated but luckily the teacher paired verbal directions with the moves (I am very verbal!) I still had fun and felt sexy. After the class I chatted with the teacher and she told me she used to be a size 14 (I am a 16 but not usually and NOT for long!) and she is a grandma with a son in his 20s. I thought SHE was 28-29!! SHe said she drinks a lot of green tea! SHe said her class in a different location has wpmen from a larger range of sizes so I might go to that one. Tomorrow I will be sore for sure!

WH was in a neutral mood tonight. Whatever. I kept reminding myself that no matter what, I will be okay. I am still young and even if I wasn't, people still move on at any age.

I am a good catch; no addictions, am attractive, fun, nice, warm, and this time next year I will be happier with or without my WH. Seriously, if he gives up on our marriage, I will be okay.

Our poor son will not know any different, sadly, but maybe he could break the cycle of divorce IF that ends up happening to us.
I think of the show Californication, where the parents are still "friends" (not that I want that) and the last season I saw, the ex wife ended up leaving her fiance at the alter and reuniting with her ex (David Ducovny's character). This is a few years after their divorce, I think. (TV is silly but art can imitate reality, right? :-) )

Well, tomorrow I will keep busy again during the 7-11 time that WH takes our baby boy. He is teething right now, so I kind of hope he is fussy during his visit with OW! Maybe he will even spit up on her! Wooo ha ha ha! >:-|

[newmama]

I am not giving up, BTW, just sayin' I know I will be okay.
(BUT I HOPE it doesn't come to that...)

[newmama]

I lost 2 more pounds! At this rate, I should lose the weight by May, but start looking good by March!

Well I am sooooore for sure! I might take the class again in a couple weeks.

WH has come and gone; my friend is visiting at 1 so he had to cut his visit short again...I did show caring by suggesting snacks for him to eat (he hadn't eaten all day--WTF was he doing at OW's? I am liking this domestic diva that I am becoming!
(yeah right...no Martha Stewart but maybe more like Rachael Ray- we're both bubbly brunettes)

This time when I smelled my baby, there was no hint of her perfume on him. I still changed his outfit, though!

WH was in a good mood again. He did ask "How are you?" when he walked in though.While he was here, he fed S, played with him, and tried to get him down for a nap. I ate b-fast, did laundry, baked squash. Was relaxed, not too happy, not sad (BUT I WAS). When he left, taking his time saying goodbye, I gave him a sweet smile.

tomorrow when he's here, I plan on working out, taking a long bath with magazines and wine, and grocery shop.I will probably be able to be busy 4/5 hours.