my W doesn't regret her affair

[futureunknown]

I just got done reading your thread and I think you really buried the lead in this story.

At first, I was sucked in by your W's "plight" at being a "neglected" spouse, but then you reveal that your wayward W is actually a therapist! That giant sucking sound you now hear is all of the sympathy that I had for her heading south.....

I can fully understand why your parents can't stand her now.

Also, you mention that you have something on OM that could blow him out of the water. I think I would wonder why I am still interested in someone who is still interested in a crumb like the OM.

Yeah, I know. Impossible for me to be objective here, but I'll try. I have oscillated in my attitude toward my M over the past few months. Our M was troubled, and I did fail my W in some important ways, especially in the areas of intimacy and closeness. I think the fact that she's a MC makes her expectations in that area very high, and I fell WAAAY below that bar.

However, I have come to see how she failed me too. I was blown away when she offered that up in one of our recent talks. In fact, if she's done one thing to get me back hooked, that was it. She said things I'd wanted to hear for years. For so long she'd been taking the stance that our problems were all my fault, so for her to own up to her role in them was so vindicating.

What I have on OM was really just a variant of exposure. He isn't married, so I didn't have that easy option. I would have needed to be more "creative".

The fact that OM pursued my W while she was living at home with me and our three little kids tells me everything I need to know about him.

[futureunknown]

The whole thing about my W being a MC really is a red herring folks. That's why I haven't brought it up much before. Just because she's a MC doesn't give her some magic powers to avoid the weaknesses and failings of being human.

I did fail her as a H. I abandoned her emotionally and left her to fend for herself, trapped by her vows in isolation. Make no mistake, she tried to get me to come out. I could say she should have been more creative, she should have been more caring, she should have been more patient, blah, blah, blah. I KNOW inside myself that I failed. I knew what she wanted, and I was too much of a coward to put myself out there and be vulnerable. I truly don't think she went looking for an affair, but because of my failing, she was so hungry for connection, she got sucked in very easily.

When the addictive chemicals kicked in, she was just as susecptible as anyone else, and boy was she. She became alien woman, absolutely obsessed with OM. She put her R with him above our M, above our kids, above her career, everything. She threw herself at him. She was an emotional train wreck. Just as expected, that only lasted about 4 or 5 months though. She seems so much more normal now, and when we talk, she's back to the woman I've known, except she's free from feeling shackled by our M, and she's terrified to go back to feeling like that.

[TrentC]

Oh hell no... she is a marriage counselor????!!! I don't know how I missed that.

Write and send the letter and keep it short and to the point. I am speechless she is a marriage counselor. Lord help the clients she treats if she can't even apply the skills she teaches others for a living in her own life.

This brings me back to one of my comments from another thread:

From http://www.marriagefriendlytherapists.com/

What do you mean by "marriage friendly"? Are you saying that some therapists are "unfriendly" to marriage?

Therapists on the Registry support a values statement that holds marriage as an important personal, professional, and social value. These therapists believe in helping couples restore their marriages to health if that is possible. Most couples assume this is what all therapists believe. But it's not so. Because of their professional training, many therapists hold a "neutral" value orientation towards whether a marriage survives or whether the couple divorces. In fact, this is the most common stance even among therapists who identify themselves as marriage and family therapists.

[Emphasis mine] In a national survey of over 1,000 marriage and family therapists, over 60 percent indicated that they are "neutral" on marriage versus divorce for their clients. Only one-third said they "I am committed to preserving marriage and avoiding divorce whenever possible." Disturbingly, 2.4% said they frequently recommend divorce. (You can contact us for the citation for this peer reviewed journal article.) The bottom line: most therapists are neutral when marriages are in trouble, whereas therapists on the Registry aim to directly support the viability of troubled marriages. This is a big difference, and it’s why we use the term "marriage friendly."

[CityGirl]

MC or not - if you want out of the M the do so before you start things up with somebody else. There is nothing more cruel than having an affair and *any* MC, pro marriage or pro divorce should know that.

[futureunknown]

The thing I'm hesitating about the letter is that it sounds angry, and I don't want to sound angry, I just want to sound done. How about:


W-

This is ridiculous, and boring. I've decided to move on. Life is too short to waste on this nonsense. If you ever decide what you want, let me know. Maybe I'll still be interested, although at this point, I can't imagine why.

In the mean time, I need to push forward with the legal separation so I'm free to pursue a new life. I'll manage to find the money for my half, and if you can't cover your half, I'll cover that too and just take $100 off your monthly support until it's paid off.

I'll contact the mediator and arrange a time for us all to meet to get it done.

H

[Deep]

future (FU just sounds so rude), just popping in with another 2 cts (and glad you got a laugh out of my last post).

I'm aghast at your W given her profession, but then again we're all human.

I'm really in no position to give expert advice but parts of what you wrote sounds like you're still throwing a hissy fit at W.

Why not simply:

W-

I've decided I won't subject myself to continued disrespect or my kids to unnecessary pain. I'm moving on.

Legal separation is my next step in protecting myself and my family. Please let me know how you intend to cover your half of the expense; if I don't hear from you by <Date>, I'll proceed to cover that too and just take $100 off your monthly support until it's paid off.

I'll contact the mediator and arrange a time for us all to meet to get it done.

H

[TrentC]

The thing I'm hesitating about the letter is that it sounds angry, and I don't want to sound angry, I just want to sound done. How about:

A little editing recommendation here and there...

W-

This is ridiculous, and boring. I've decided to move on. Life is too short to waste on this nonsense. If you ever decide what you want, let me know. Maybe I'll still be interested, although at this point, I can't imagine why.

In the mean time, I need to push forward with the legal separation so I'm free to pursue a new life. I'll manage to find the money for my half, and if you can't cover your half, I'll cover that too and just take $100 off your monthly support until it's paid off. (Let whoever is putting together the support agreement figure out how that is to be handled.)

I'll contact the mediator and arrange a time for us all to meet to get it done.

H

[futureunknown]

And oh yeah, I'm VERY familiar with how marriage counselors and therapists work, obviously, and yes, the majority are marriage neutral. I knew I was screwed when the MC my W and I were seeing last year got divorced while we were going to her. I noticed the name on her business card changed, and when I noted that to my W, she said "Oh, she got divorced." I said "That's terrible!" and my W replied "Why, they're both a lot happier now." At that moment I knew I was fighting a losing battle.

I'm even shocked at my W's colleague, who's also a marriage and family therapist, and very conservative and religious. At first she seemed to support my committment to keep my family together, but as soon as she heard all the exciting stories from my W about her A, she forgot about me and what our kids were going through and jumped right on board supporting my W and being there for her. She was having serious problems in her own M, and I think she started living vicariously through my W.

That brings up another interesting tidbit though. About a month ago when my W and I had one of our talks, it started by me asking about a married couple who were friends of ours, now mostly hers. My W said she needed to have an intervention with the wife, and I asked why. She said the wife, who had also become enamoured with my W's tales of romantic paradise, told her she was thinking of having an A. Now you can imagine what I'm thinking sitting there listening to this. I started getting damn angry, but my wife looked sad, and said she told her "Is that what you want? Do you want to get divorced? Do you want to only see your kids half the time? You sit your husband down, and it doesn't matter how hard it is, you make him listen and understand what you need." What a bizarre experience that was for me, but I felt closer to my W after that. I think it was her strange way of showing me regret.

[futureunknown]

(Let whoever is putting together the support agreement figure out how that is to be handled.)

That's the ONE THING the mediator will not touch. It's up to us to figure out how to pay her.

[TrentC]

(Let whoever is putting together the support agreement figure out how that is to be handled.)

That's the ONE THING the mediator will not touch. It's up to us to figure out how to pay her.

OK, fair enough.