I need to put her back on her heels, and make her work to get me back,
A word of caution: This will only happen if the affair is busted or near bust.
Now onto your letter. Your communication short be short, succinct and to the point. How's this:
W,
Thanks for the extra time to reflect this last year. What was I thinking?!!! Who in their right mind would tolerate this kind of behavior and complete disrespect of family, morals and values from a person that supposedly loves them? Thank God I've had a moment of clarity! I've decided that I've had enough and am moving on. This means I need to finalize the legal separation ASAP.
From what I've heard, divorce is incredibly difficult and expensive in this state. It makes more financial sense to legally separate for a year. I'm busy scraping up the money to pay and get this done. Don't concern yourself if you can't afford your half right now. We need to get this done and I'll be more than happy to reduce your monthly support by $100 until it's paid off. It's a pity I didn't do this last year because I could have been totally free to pursue a new life already.
Even though it's not the outcome I desired, I've come to realize this is healthiest and best for the kids. They need some form of stability. Life's too short and I can't afford to wait around. I'm free to choose what I want and I think that this is the best.
The above display's NO SELF-PITY, decisiveness and clarity of intent. If you're worried about leeway... there is plenty of leeway in it for her to convince you that she is the right choice.
Also, reread the last few days posts. Think on this tonight and tomorrow. Deliver the letter to her on Friday night and give her the weekend to panic and scream for support from the OM. Oh, and make sure you are OUT OF CONTACT until Monday.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
have you ever sent a letter like this, said anything of the like or have acted as such previously (i.e. in the past year)?
This is going to be very embarassing, because it just makes me look like more of a weak fool who can't see the obvious right in front of me.
Yes, I have, and in each case, I got EXACTLY the response I wanted:
Way back in February, when she said she was going to see OM again, I stood up to her and asked her if it was fair for her to be going on another trip when we barely had enough money to get by, she got mad and said she was a grown woman who could do what she wanted, then I said I wanted to step up the legal process and get it done sooner. Later that day she called and very contritely apologized and said "I can't bear the thought of going through this if we're not okay." Wow. Then she came over the next evening to talk finances and she said "I don't want a divorce. I don't want to divorce you. Look how we are together." I said nothing in response because I could tell she wasn't totally meaning what she was saying. I had a plan that evening to meet friends out, and she begged me to let her stay in the house with the kids for the night. I said okay and left. I didn't get back until 3am and she was asleep on the couch. She was gone when I got up, and she went on her trip shortly afterwards. That's one.
Earlier in the summer I was feeling quite detached and strong and was acting very much like I couldn't care less about her. She started reaching out, asking me to do things, asking me if I wanted to come over for breakfast, etc. I went too far and became quite aggressive in mediation, declaring that I wanted nothing to do with her, that I wanted to arrange our custody so that I never saw her, that I was only going to pay support I felt was fair, and if she couldn't support herself on it then I'd take the kids full time, etc. She stormed out of the mediation, and acted all huffy when I saw her, but since I felt bad and I had an extra ticket to a baseball game I was taking the kids to I asked her to come along. We had a great time, and there was definitely newfound respect in the air. Afterwards she texted me and said she had fun, but that it "F*cked with her head." That was the beginning of her moves toward me. That's two.
She had planned to go see OM again in August, and even though we had taken a step toward each other, she went to see him anyway. I got very distant, and when she got back I immediately started the process of getting our legal separation moving toward finalization. I sent her very frank e-mails addressing her as STBXW, asking her to get the rest of the stuff out of the house, telling her we couldn't share custody of the dog any more, etc. She came over to the house to get her stuff and was actually saying LBS stuff, i.e. "you're being awfully practical about this", "do you remember when we christened the house?", etc. She asked if I'd be willing to get together to "talk about us". That's three.
We did get together to talk and the floodgates opened. We started opening up and talking honestly about how we felt about everything. She apologized for a lot of her actions, and owned how she failed me as a W, but she said she couldn't regret her R with OM because it allowed her to find herself again. We talked about some wounds in our R that go all the way back to our first year together. I apologized for how I hurt her. When we agreed to delay our separation and talked about spending time together, that's when I said "I won't live in some crazy open marriage" and she said she needed a little time. Now here I am.
I just got done reading your thread and I think you really buried the lead in this story.
At first, I was sucked in by your W's "plight" at being a "neglected" spouse, but then you reveal that your wayward W is actually a therapist! That giant sucking sound you now hear is all of the sympathy that I had for her heading south.....
I can fully understand why your parents can't stand her now.
Also, you mention that you have something on OM that could blow him out of the water. I think I would wonder why I am still interested in someone who is still interested in a crumb like the OM.
She still went to see OM. You have won very little if she is happy to have you as a friend, and OM as her lover. I can see that you had some baby steps, though. The time out is for you to get your thoughts together without her influencing you emotionally. She does that very well.
It feels like you are writing the letter and even contemplating next legal step out of frustration, not out of strength. Write the letter after you have come out of a 'no contact' period.
If she is a MC, then she knows how to play you. You may even think you have won some points, but ultimately, she still went to see OM, and even does not regret the A. I don't know how she can justify this when she is counselling married couples. Just doesn't make sense. It sounds like she is trying to justify the A. She could've easily found herself within the marriage, if she had tried hard enough.
Just giving you some food for thought.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
If she is a MC, then she knows how to play you. You may even think you have won some points, but ultimately, she still went to see OM, and even does not regret the A. I don't know how she can justify this when she is counselling married couples. Just doesn't make sense. It sounds like she is trying to justify the A. She could've easily found herself within the marriage, if she had tried hard enough.
Oh hell no... she is a marriage counselor????!!! I don't know how I missed that.
Write and send the letter and keep it short and to the point. I am speechless she is a marriage counselor. Lord help the clients she treats if she can't even apply the skills she teaches others for a living in her own life.
My word.
To me that is like a drug addiction specialist shooting up during his/her lunch breaks then going back to treating his/her patients.
