I am kind of at a place where I have never been before, and I thought I would post over here since maby there are some people with more experience in the same kind of thing.
Well, after 4 1/2 mo of S, finding DB and DR, and not doing a very good job with it. Lots of mess ups and backslides. I finally came to the close to a breakdown. I just said thats enough, I cant live like this anymore. So I just started living for myself, making myself someone I wanted to be around. (DBing the right wy I guess). I still love my W, and she has been having a hard time too, so I also helped her out financally, without telling her, just paying her bills and stuff. And I wrote letters to her. Well I think it worked.
She called Sun. and asked if I wanted to go to family C with her and the girls. You can catch up on the previou thread if you want.
Anyway right now she is taking all the blame for our M and the problems we have had during our S. I havnt really talked to her in length about it because I dont know if she is ready. Just last week I didnt know if I would ever see her again. I dont care what she has done. And I really dont want to backslide.
I know I should just be her friend right now, but MIL warned me not to do that too much. For fear that W would never get the old feelings back, and just be friends. I think she still loves me and wants to be with me, she is just scared.
Quote: How do I convince my W that my lack of desire was not due to lack of attraction or love. I dont know if I should even call it lack of desire because I desired her very much. Has anyone else been through this? Maby a female perspective.
This is something which happened in my R. H and I have been talking about this recently. For about 4 years I was adamant H did not fancy me anymore, Yes we had sexual encounters, however, not as much or like we used to. I fellt H didn't fancy me, when he had his A well I thought that pretty much confirmed it. Last Sunday we talked and both agreed that things were happenening in our R, I would do something, which in turn made H do something, resentment built up. I can only see this now looking back, at the time I did not see it at all. There were times when H would cuddle up to me and I would think, hey you F**ck right off, because I was in a strop about something that happened probably 3 days ago!! he had no idea, and so the momentum would continue. H told me last Sunday, sometimes it was like cuddling an Ironing board...OUCH.. That hurt!! However we have only got to this stage through PATIENCE!!! So for now, dont talk about it. H and I, I am happy to say, have been having a great sex life recently, wich I think has built up from a freindship, it just happened, and its great.
So, IMHO, forget any issues like that for now, just be therer for your W, like you would of done in the early days. Have fun together, laugh together, spend time together, it will happen. Then when you are comfertable together again, maybe if you both need to you can talk about the past. PATIENCE is definatly what you need, dont push this and dont expect too much.
Quote: Anyway right now she is taking all the blame for our M and the problems we have had during our S. I havnt really talked to her in length about it because I dont know if she is ready. Just last week I didnt know if I would ever see her again. I dont care what she has done. And I really dont want to backslide
When she takes the blame, try and take yours and ease her guilt. I always say to H, I know im sorry that happpend to, we were BOTH to blame.
I went and helped W move again last night. And got to see the girls again. Got to spend some time with D6. I was afraid that she would be distant towards me, but as soon as she got there she came right upstairs and wanted to help me take apart the bunk bed. I let her help me and we just talked about whatever. This was a 180 for me and I think W and D noticed. D even held out her arms and I picked her up and gave her a hug, and told her I missed her. She said she missed me too, and she was calling me daddy Mike.
W said that D6 has been distant toward W for awhile, she thinks D6 has been mad at my W for taking me away from her. I just said I'm sorry, I never meant for any of that to happen. W said "I know, I was being stubborn too. I took all the love I felt for you and turned it to anger, anger toward you, and myself."
Night ended with W asking if she could cook dinner for me the next day. Of course I accepted. And I asked her for a hug. We hugged, and it definately felt like more than a friendly from her. Maby it was my imagination.
Do you think I handled everything well? Was there more or less I should do?
There wasnt anything I can think of I did that "didnt work"
I think you described our M to a tee. I didnt see what was happening then, and either did W. Lack of communication. I see it now, and I hope she will too someday.
Ive thought alot about it, and with me I need to have the problem (any problem) solved, to be intimate. W wanted to be intimate to solve the problem. We were just fighting each other and didnt know it. Hopefully this can be talked through and understood in C.
Well thing still seem to be going good. I went and helped W move some more last night. The girls were calling me daddy, which suprised me. I had a blast and the talk was light and cheerful all evening. A nice hug at the end. And she called this morning just to say good morning.
There is a carnival in town this weekend and I asked W if she thought it would be alright if I took D6 on Sat. She said that would be great. Then I asked "would you like to go too?" She said "I would love to go."
Things are still going well. Alot of very positive things happening, and W has taken some big steps I didnt think she would take.
But I still sense alot of anger just below the surface. So think I better back off a little bit. Concentrate more on my R with the girls, and less on "fixing" the R with my W. That will have to be done on her terms and her timetable.
there is nothing wrong with moving slowly, in fact i think PATIENCE is the key into making these things work
she is going to have to work on her demons on her own, so let her. it seems that that exact thing is happening on my sitch, and it's because i am practicing patience
