Future, just to clarify, the letter and pushing for S is a last resort -- the purpose is to get her to wake up and start pursuing you.
The reason is that if it doesn't work and she pushes forward, you back way off. You have your answer and are out of limbo. You will have a final answer.
On the other hand, and this is the case we all want, if she wakes up and wants back in, you're going to have to make her work for it. You have to switch roles and become the WAS and she the LBS. If you're worth it she'll work for it. If she doesn't then you will reach some clarity that this is not the kind of woman you want in your life.
I hope this explanation provides you with some clarity.
Wait, Future, is the purpose of this letter to create a crisis (wake up call) for your wife or to put into writing that you are going to pay for her divorce and reduce her support payment in lieu?
"In response to Steve McQueen's concern that it might not leave any wiggle room once sent, I've softened it ever so slightly:"
Steve's wife is living with her sister. Steve aint soft. gotta funny but saddly true story, in the midst of the craziness and during a long period of SSM, i told my sweet dear wife this is ridiculous i love you but my needs arent being met here. her response was, i dont understand through the course of all my lifetimes this is just miniscule amount of time. you can survive. wth. the only thing i could say is for those of us who only go round once this is bullcrap.
but anyhow, i quess my question is is this your LRT or your final statement?
SMQ, the way I read Future's actions this will be LRT. Is that correct Future?
And Steve... when are you going to update your own thread? I remember you went of the deep end for a while, but since you've come back... not much news... what gives?
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
I am sorry to keep bringing up the legal side of things as I know you are wanting feedback on the letter. I am still unclear if you are in NY or not but if I may just offer you what I know based on my experience.
If your W cant pay for her portion of the legal fees it is very possible her attny will file an immediate motion with the courts for immediate reimbursement/payment of her legal fees by YOU. All she has to do is say she cant afford the fees to her attny. And since YOU filed there is a good chance this motion will be granted, especially if she makes less money than you do. Now, if you have an Agreement in place BEFORE any actual legalities/filings begin you can put whatever you want in the Agreement pending they don't bypass the boundaries of the scope of the law.
As far as her NOT contesting it, don't be so sure. If by chance she tells her attny that she is not pleased with the agreement reached via the mediator or feels like the process is taking too long her attny *can* file what is called a RJI (Request for Judicial Intervention) which will give you a court date for a pre-trial hearing. In the eyes of the Family Court circuit in NY this *is* contesting the divorce simply due to the RJI motion.
If you want right for the divorce and filed under the grounds of Adultery AND your W's attny files the RJI (making it contested based on the request of judicial intervention) it is a very hard ground to prove once contested. In order to prove Adultery in NY one must have a third party witness willing to state they saw your W and OM having sexual relations.
Plus, when you file for the divorce you are required to complete an affidavit giving details of the grounds you are filing under. Now, if no RJI is filed and your W just agrees to the Adultery ground then things will be fine. But most attnys know in NY that is unlikely due to HOW Adultery has to be proved.
If you are going to file for divorce Cruel and Inhumane Treatment would be the most likely grounds as having a sexual R outside the bounds of marriage *is* considered cruel and inhumane and does not require the same level of proof Adultery does.
I told you this state makes no sense.
As you might now, Irreconcilable Differences is NOT a ground for divorce in NY.
That is why 90% of all divorces in NY begin with a Separation Agreement as the Agreement serves as the grounds.
Once *anything* is filed and you don't have something in place in the 20 span and one attny gets trigger happy and files the request for judicial intervention you are "stuck" in the court system and it is *very* hard to get out. Trust me!
NY is the only state in the country that has these heinous and stringent divorce laws. Unless you live in NY I can understand why its easy to say "bypass the separation" but really, it will save you so much money, hassle and stress (especially since you have children).
I am not an attny but having spent 21 months and hundreds of hours with mine I am fairly well versed in how this works.
Future, with all of our opinions here ... I would take a week to just think about what you really want. Your W obviously doesn't want to talk right now and is avoiding you in order to avert doing so. She has been enjoying the status quo and probably doesn't want to change anything right now. I don't think forcing her to 'listen' via the letter is going to make her come home. You have to be prepared that this is not only the LRT, but probably the end. Are you ready for this?
If not, then wait another couple of weeks. Detach first. Drop that rope of hope. Don't speak to her about anything except the kids. In fact, if you can get a third party (a grandma, or aunt, sister, whoever) to collect them for you, even better. So, that you might stay away from her for those 2 weeks and see how you feel about 'no contact'. If she doesn't come to you, then write the letter (if you feel you must) and start separation process.
I think 'no contact' would speak louder than words about her disrespecting your boundaries. It will also give you time to think without seeing her for a time. (Obviously, no phone contact either.)
Just a thought.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
This is a LRT. If I was truly DONE, there would be no point to send anything. I would just get the legal stuff going, get it over with, and live my life, along the lines of what BeingMe is saying. The letter itself shows that the R is important to me, but it's a declaration that I've finally thrown in the towel.
I am wavering around a bit. I'm grateful to have this venue to safely express it so I can make the right move here. My W has an uncanny knack for portraying herself very kindly so as to disarm me. As I said before, she's a MC, that is a natural skill she uses with her clients all the time.
I have to be honest here. I know I've been too weak during this whole thing. Not that I'm beating myself up, because I've done many things right, and I haven't been excessively weak, just too weak to turn it around. I've had my victories along the way, and I've got my WAW seriously doubting her decisions and her actions. The question is, how do I bring it home? I have much respect for the folks here.
Quote:
She has been enjoying the status quo and probably doesn't want to change anything right now.
Exactly! How is continuing to wait doing anything other than allowing her to keep eating cake? I've waited enough. We left an enormous question hanging, and with the holidays coming up, I need some resolution to that topic. Either she isn't willing to give up OM and our M is over, or she is willing to give up OM, and we'll see. I know she she sees the holidays coming, and she is afraid of the ramifications of the former, and truthfully, so am I. Her mother is asking me if I'm coming over with the kids for Thanksgiving, and I can't give her an answer until this is resolved.
Here's what I have now:
W-
No need to get together to talk. Your silence speaks loud enough. Your behavior over the past year has been unbelievably disrespectful to me, our marriage, and our kids, and now you making me wait while you "decide" what to do is the final straw. What is a few days possibly going to change? I made myself clear. I will not live in an open marriage, so if you choose to continue your behavior our marriage is over.
I'll make it easy on you. You don't need to decide. I've decided I'm done and I'm moving on. I want to finalize our legal separation as soon as possible. I'll scrape up the money to pay for my half. If you can't afford your half of the cost, I'll cover yours too, and reduce your monthly support by $100 until it's paid off. New York makes filing for divorce incredibly difficult and expensive, otherwise I'd forego the one year of separation. We've already been separated for a year, I have no need nor desire for another. I want to be totally free to pursue a new life.
This is not what I ever wanted for us or our kids, and my heart is very heavy thinking about what the kids' lives will be from now on, but I won't tolerate your disrespect any longer. At least during the time the kids are with me, I'll be able to honestly demonstrate what is and isn't acceptable behavior from someone in their life.
Not a bad idea. A week or two isn't going to kill you one way or another.
I'm at the point where I want to strike first. I have allowed her disrespect too long, and I almost don't want her to come to me, because she will be in the power position. Monday morning she said she needed a few more days. It's now Thursday afternoon, and all I hear from her is crickets chirping. The longer I wait without acting, what little respect I've got left just drains away.
I'm coming to realize that the only hope for establishing equal respect between us is for me to do this. I need to put her back on her heels, and make her work to get me back, as Gnosis said. If she's not willing to do that, then that tells me everything I need to know.
