Actually, I don't have legal counsel yet - but I have my reasons why.
All she can see right now, is that for the next year she can have her space and freedom and know that she still has access to our house and to her kids. She's eating a great big cake. It means my kids are as great as they could be, so I am kinda ok with it. But in January, her rose colored glasses will start to slip.
Actually, I don't have legal counsel yet - but I have my reasons why.
All she can see right now, is that for the next year she can have her space and freedom and know that she still has access to our house and to her kids. She's eating a great big cake. It means my kids are as great as they could be, so I am kinda ok with it. But in January, her rose colored glasses will start to slip.
My last post for the evening, just about to take off.
Maybe you just enjoy us giving you 2x4's and possibly that's an indication of a bigger problem, you don't listen or having problem listening.
She can have her space & freedom, but once she moves out, why would you allow her access to the house?
Is it because of the kids?
I'm assuming she'll have a space for them there, didn't you mention providing kids with the keys?
Is she providing you with the keys to her new place?
Do you get any of what we mention about setting boundaries with regards to respectful behavior?
Once she leaves, regardless of title on the property of not, she is moved out. You're not running a hotel, you are entitled to privacy as well and not assuming that right to privacy just leaves you open to other boundaries that she can push past and take advantage of.
Once she leaves, you should change the locks.
I wouldn't allow her free pass to come & go as she wants - what would that teach her? That you enjoy the status quo of living in limbo?
You will no doubt make another excuse as to why you can't do that and I will just shake my head and consider that maybe you just like to post on here and that you're really not looking for possible solutions to your problems.
Once she moves out, you are encouraged to reclaim your individuality which includes your living space.
Flip it around, she will enjoy her living space, individuality & privacy, you won't be coming & going as you please to her place (or will you?) - if you can't show the same thing at your end, what is left of you to promote interest, curiousity, mystery, etc. etc. etc.
Still sounding like the same ol' indy, regardless of the name change. Time to wake up a bit.
This is all counter-intuitive and that's the beauty of it, whenever you think of doing something, stop, take a minute and think of the opposite: - call her frequently > stop calling her - email/text her > stop emailing>texting - gift buying/card buying > no more gift or card buying - favors > no more favors - being available for her whenever she needs you > making yourself scarce ie. GAL: getting a life - give her the open book on your life so that she knows exactly everything you do at every moment and allow her to come & go as she pleases > be mysterious and tell her to "please respect my living space as my own now and call before you come and I will let you know if it's ok if you come over on that specific day"
BTM as long as she is on the title you cannot change the locks on her. So do not do that. You can ask for the keys in a polite way. But if she keeps them she keeps them.
Thats the law here.
But a good boundary to set in place is that she asks permission to come over and gives the reason why. If you say no. Then she cannot come over.
BTM as long as she is on the title you cannot change the locks on her. So do not do that. You can ask for the keys in a polite way. But if she keeps them she keeps them. Thats the law here.
Here,too.
Originally Posted By: cutterbug
But a good boundary to set in place is that she asks permission to come over and gives the reason why. If you say no. Then she cannot come over.
We did that too. And to give credit where credit is due, it was her idea/boundary and she sticks to it.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
But in January, her rose colored glasses will start to slip.
BTM you got to stop thinking like this. She is your wife who is hurting as well. Its an easy trap to fall into. You thinking that life is better with you than without you.
Let her find out what is good for her life herself.
You gotta let go to change these negative thoughts.
BTM as long as she is on the title you cannot change the locks on her. So do not do that. You can ask for the keys in a polite way. But if she keeps them she keeps them.
Thats the law here.
But a good boundary to set in place is that she asks permission to come over and gives the reason why. If you say no. Then she cannot come over.
Never say never.
If he pursues a legal separation agreement (which might not be a bad idea, it can stop any debt she accumulates during waywardness from becoming his debt), he can easily provision that she will not access his home without his consent, regardless if the title is under both names, he can set it up so that she can't access his home without his permission. She may be entitled to half of the home's value but he is entitled to his privacy. He can also stipulate in the agreement that if the mortgage on the home is under both names, he can still legally require her to pay whatever is required - if she is listed as a co-borrower on the mortgage, the responsibility still exists regardless if she lives there or not. You know if he was to lose his job and couldn't make any payments on that mortgage, the bank would be looking for her to do what she can, she is employed.
As for the original inquiry, when spouses legally separate they can live separately without worrying that the other spouse is going to pop in unannounced.
We have made no specfic arrangements regarding how much access she will have to the house. Since I will have no access to her apartment, it is only reasonable and fair that she have limited access to the house. We will have that discussion and I will set boundaries that I am comfortable with.
Earlier I agreed that she would move out slowly through December It was probably a bad decision, but I will honor it, rather than my usual flip-flopping - a huge 180 for me. I have stated clearly that she will not be sleeping here effective Dec 1.
January 1 (yes...after the vacation) I will want real separation between WAW and I and our discussion regarding boundaries will look after that.
Robx - I am very slowly getting there. I know how much I frustrate you, but at least I am making a little progress and I appreciate that you and the other pros never completely give up on me.
I hope during all of this that you are getting out every now & then and taking your mind off all of this hoopla, if you just focus on this situation your head will spin right off your shoulders.
You're allowed to take a break, hang out with friends, do something fun, blow some steam off at the gym, buy yourself a gift (you're worth it and start getting into that mindset again of placing value on your life).
I bust on you because I want you to develop a thick skin, I won't you to become stronger & independant and more confident - you can do it.
I am trying to do more than work and just focus on this. So far, I am not doing so well at that. I am a homebody and quite a loner. It does feel like I am going to explode, but each day I get a little calmer. I can tell by reading over my journal.
I am working out with my S16 and that may be the only time I forget this for even a minute. I intended to go shopping for something to wear to my company XMAS party today, but likely will not have time. I will do it though. Friday I am meeting an old friend for a beer after work - we'll wind up talking about my situation, but it's better than being alone.
I just picked up "No more Mr. Nice Guy" and will read that.
Being 100% honest, the reason I can't get my dbing together consistently is because I believe my WAW when she makes it sound that if I can just let things be what they are, give her time and space, time for her to heal and forgive me,there is a hope of us being back together. She has incredible control over me - yet she always felt I was controlling - or at least tried to be.
Obviously my methods have failed miserably, but I still can't fully embrace the db philosophy. I keep trying to find a happy median that will work in our situation. Yet, when I read the thread about none of us being unique, it makes so much sense to me.
I know that if I could not be so black and white, and stop flip-flopping and just be consistent in my thoughts and actions, it would make a huge impact on my WAW. Some days I have the balls to stand up to her and then the next time I don't. Proper dbign requires what would appear to her as being black and white and that pushes her away. I have to find a way to just do it, and not worry about the outcome. I still don't have that - all I worry about is the outcome. Just being honest.
I always thought I was a confident man, and most people who know me would think so. But since so very few people really know me (maybe only my WAW) they don't see the real me. I am only now recognizing how much I have lost "me" over the years and just how much I am dependant on my WAW, while she is quite independant.
I have to admit that every day, I think about one year from now and so badly hope that my WAW and I will be together. I know that will never happen unless I become a strong, confident, attractive man.
I waiver on this daily, but I think her moving out may actually help me to get over her and stop thinking there will be a quick fix. That's why I need to limit contact between us after the separation - otherwise every time I see, touch or smell her, I will fall in love all over again and need her.
One thing I've learned to understand about women, is that they often (usually? always?) DON'T want what they CLAIM to want, when it comes to a man and how he acts.
A woman will claim to want you to subserve to all kinds of things, but once you do so, she'll think "Well THAT ain't very attractive! Why didn't you stand up to me more?!"
Seriously, study the female species (oh, and us males have a whole DIFFERENT set of hang-ups and quirks, don't get me wrong). They like to TEST, and they expect you to PASS those tests, and to -- sometimes (not always) -- "call them on their bullshit." It makes them feel safe, and secure, and loved, knowing that their man can stand up for himself.
I know that sounds like chauvinist bullchit, but it's true.
A strong man knows when to apologize when he's wrong, and he knows how to take a stand when he's right. Women respect BOTH of those traits, believe me.
