I look at it this way. My friends are people who I respect and trust, and they respect and trust me. X and Mrs. X neither respect or trust me, and have done nothing that I would consider an act of friendship. And their actions have proven that I cannot trust them and I certainly don't respect them....so by definition they can't be my friends. I do best if interactions are primarily through e-mail...no emotions involved.
Hi, been lurking and this caught my eye. I was asked by someone about the possibility of being "friends" with STBXW recently (by a friend, not by her). I replied, "Nope. No can do. I look at it this way: if any friend demonstrated - proved - to me that their word, promise, commitment (let alone vow) was meaningless, worthless, then I would consider that proof-positive that that person ceased to be my friend at that point. And I certainly would no longer be their friend." And my sitch doesn't even involve infidelity. So, friendly? Yes when necessary for kids' and stepkids' sake & appearances. Friend? No way.
my $,02 butting in.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Good insights. Interesting that when you quit looking for someone to make you whole is when you first met XH. It was a step toward independence and responsibility for your own happiness that perhaps opened the door to that R. The good news is that you took that step once, so you can certainly take it again. You are in a much better position to do so now too :-)
How was C?
Have you thought about going back to Al-anon or ACOA? You have to deal with your old stuff somewhere, and it seemed to be working for you. And, you have to deal with your new stuff somewhere. Working through the perceived betrayal with your old sponsor might help both of you, and would be more appropriate than continuing to try to work out those feelings with XH.
I think that was when I decided that I would be alone forever, and to just get used to the idea. No more crying, no more crushes or hopeful anticipation / expectations. I met my x only a few months later. And everything, everything changed.
Funny you should write that. Prior to marriage, I'd be on continual crush mode, then get close to a guy and become wacky, needy, out of control emotionally within. I was cute enough, smart and witty enough, caring.. but it always blew up in my face. I decided after the last bout that I would focus on my career, think about thinking about kids in 5 years, finish my MBA and not date. Three weeks later I met Bill. We both instantly fell for each other. He asked me to get married 3 weeks later, kept pushing to run away for the weekend, get hitched then return and then let people know.
Back then I felt like I could not have been luckier to know such an incredible guy.. and he truly was incredible. Now I would question why someone would want to get married so quickly, seeing it as a red flag rather than a 'soul mate' truth.
Maybe it's like going from riding on a raft down a river versus taking an oar and being part of the process.
My aunt was going to host in Brooklyn, but one of her daughters just had her second car die (they are not doing well in this economy), so that whole part of the family is going to drive to Jersey to try to cram into her small house. With immediate family only, they still will be very cramped.
They are the only family I have left.
Now, what to do........
all friends are with family. I can call around today if I can find the energy and see if there is a soup kitchen that needs a hand...
May just stay home and continue nesting (been cleaning, catching up, etc.) - there is certainly plenty to do.
Kids are off later this afternoon - x is taking my kids and his new crew down into the city to watch them inflate the balloons (I always wanted to do that, just never happened). Kids will be back with me Friday afternoon, and we are going to our small-town tree-lighting, then back home for a nice ham dinner before they go back with their father for his weekend. I'll go visit my aunt at her house on Saturday.
Transitions.... I never would have guessed that I would have a Thanksgiving alone.
So many of us are in the same boat. Me included. I can understand how particularly disheartening it must be since you weren't even expecting it. I am sorry.
Perhaps we need to plan a national/international convention of LBS's on certain holidays. Just a thought.
This may not help but you never know. When I was a flight attendant I spent several major holidays with people I didn't know. Then when I was home, I celebrated that major holiday . Afterall it is a day and just because the calendar says this is the day to celebrate, there are many people that end up working and have to celebrate later.
Think of hospital staff, fire fighters, police officers, military, gas station attendants, movie theater attendants and of course flight crews.(There are probably more, just want to get the point across). So maybe do something creative to cheer these folks up and save your family celebration for later.
Happy Thanksgiving Donna.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Look on the bright side. You got the house to yourself! You can stay in your pjs, eat whatever you want whenever you want, watch TV, listen to music, play on the computer. And no one will need anything from you. It's a day totally for you.
Those are really nice sometimes.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
