my W doesn't regret her affair

[futureunknown]

Remember you have decided. You cannot demonstrate uncertainty. Be firm. The tone of your letter needs to be strong and clearly communicate your intention.

Only this will make her re-think. Also, I'd like to ask you this: Are you truly prepared to follow through with this?

The reason I ask is because if you budge a micrometer from that letter your credibility will be shot and you're screwed.

I like feeling more empowered, but I hear you. I have to be sure of this. Part of me is thinking this is a bit of a betrayal since we were talking open and honestly about what was going on, and she said she needs a few more days, and although she could tell I didn't like it, I agreed. For me to do this would go back on what I said, and make it seem like I've been plotting behind her back.

Before I do anything, I'm pondering a softer tactic. Something like:


W-

No need for us to talk. I've decided I'm not interested in pursuing us, at least not right now. I don't know what the future will bring, but know I need time to seriously think about what I want moving forward, so I've decided to go away for a while.

The disrespect you've shown me over the last year has become lodged in my head and heart, and it has changed how I feel about you. Your latest move, making me wait while you "decide" is the last bit of disrespect I will tolerate.

I want to get our legal separation done as soon as possible. I'll scrape up the money to pay for my half. If you claim you can't afford your half of the cost, I'll cover yours too, and reduce your monthly support by $100 until it's paid off. I want to be totally free to pursue a new life to see what's out there for me.

This is not what I ever wanted, and my heart is very heavy thinking about what the kids' lives will be from now on, but I won't tolerate your disrespect any longer. At least during the time the kids are with me, I'll be able to honestly demonstrate what is and isn't acceptable behavior from someone in their life.

H


Comments?

By the way, I want to thank every one of you for your interest in my life and my situation.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

The first one's MUCH better.

send it.

It WILL get a strong reaction. Be prepared for it.

Puppy

[Gardener]

The first one's MUCH better.Send it.
Puppy

I agree. First one is strong, decisive.
Second one sounds a bit "victimy"

[Gnosis]

Future you're wavering here. You're letting doubt flood in. I'd stick the previous letter without that guilt inducing paragraph. You have to show strength and conviction. Think of this as a high stakes poker game and its time for you to bluff.

You've been playing the game badly because she's seen you fold time and time again in the past. Every time you put up a boundary she crosses it to test your resolve.

Some things I'd like to point out to you:

Part of me is thinking this is a bit of a betrayal since we were talking open and honestly about what was going on, and she said she needs a few more days, and although she could tell I didn't like it, I agreed. For me to do this would go back on what I said, and make it seem like I've been plotting behind her back.

1. How can this be a betrayal? She asked for a few days and you gave her weeks. Boundary crossed. Result = No consequences.

2. You pursue to talk. She makes excuses and evades, hiding behind texts and emails, knowing you won't do a thing.

For me to do this would go back on what I said, and make it seem like I've been plotting behind her back.

I disagree. Yes, she may think that, but your letter explains why. Her silence and avoidance has given you the answer. i.e. She still wants her fingers in both pies. Oh, and expect that spew (read my previous post)

I won't go through your entire thread. You know you're own history better than us. Look through your actions every time she's crossed a boundary. You failed.

As an example, think of when raising your kids and they push your boundaries, like when you tell them to go to bed. They disobey and disobey until you lose your temper. When you lose your temper they know that if you have to tell them once more, they will get punished.

You have let this woman get away with murder. Murder you ask? Yes, I say. Murder of your self-esteem and self-worth. You tolerate this because you love her and want her back. We can understand this.

However, every time you let her cross the line she loses respect for you. She knows what she can get away with and she knows that as long as you harbor feelings for her she can continue along her merry philanderous ways.

Look at other people's threads. Only when the LBS is at their wits end and throw in the towel is when the WAS sometimes wakes up and wants to pursue a reconciliation. Then LBS welcomes WAS back with open arms, unconditionally and without boundaries due to fear of loss. What happens then? Some time later WAS walks again. I'd hate to see this happen to you.

Be firm. Be strong. No woman EVER stays with a man she cannot respect. Respect is an attractive quality a woman looks for in a man.

Some good signs that this may work:
1. You said last fall she was full of brass and now she's not.
2. She was having second thoughts of going through with the S.

I probably should just stick with the separation. She seems to consider it a very serious step in the ending of our marriage, so maybe it has enough teeth to work.

I agree this seems to be the best path to follow. Perhaps add this little piece into the mix:

W, I'd like to make myself very clear one point in this process. In my eyes separation is the equivalent of divorce. For me there is no difference. The minute these papers are signed we are DONE... FOR GOOD. I do not consider you a friend. There will be no friendship. You are the remnants of a distasteful business transaction to me. I will not be there for you and do not want to know you. For the kids sake and with their best interests in mind I will treat you with the same politeness and courtesy I reserve for a stranger. Good luck to you.

I'm not my most eloquent tonight so take the above and rework it.

[Gardener]

W, I'd like to make myself very clear one point in this process. In my eyes separation is the equivalent of divorce. For me there is no difference. The minute these papers are signed we are DONE... FOR GOOD. I do not consider you a friend. There will be no friendship. You are the remnants of a distasteful business transaction to me. I will not be there for you and do not want to know you. For the kids sake and with their best interests in mind I will treat you with the same politeness and courtesy I reserve for a stranger. Good luck to you.

I'm not my most eloquent tonight so take the above and rework it.

Pretty damn eloquent to me. Good job.

[Gnosis]

Thanks Gardener, I'm adding it into my personal arsenal in preparation for my own sitch.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Look at other people's threads. Only when the LBS is at their wits end and throw in the towel is when the WAS sometimes wakes up and wants to pursue a reconciliation. Then LBS welcomes WAS back with open arms, unconditionally and without boundaries due to fear of loss. What happens then? Some time later WAS walks again. I'd hate to see this happen to you.

Ditto, amen, and hallelujah.

Truer words have never been spoken.
.
Puppy

[BeingMe]

I seriously don't think you should send a letter, Future. The mere fact that you are willing to put words to paper, gives the impression of pursuit. If anything:

W, I have asked you several times to talk about our situation. You have ignored my request, so the next communication we will have (besides the children) will be my attorney who will start the process of finalizing our separation.

This is not what I wanted, but you have left me with no choice.

If your W cares about you at all, and has left OM, then she will be quick to answer this letter with shock. If she is only giving you the time of day because of the kids, and she's keeping you hanging for old times sake, she will hope you won't carry through and keep shaking you off. Don't ask her for time to talk again.

As a woman, the fact that 'feelings' are not mentioned would devastate me. Perhaps, she is the same? We women pick up on that very quickly.

Good luck.

[Gnosis]

As a woman, the fact that 'feelings' are not mentioned would devastate me. Perhaps, she is the same? We women pick up on that very quickly.

Exactly!

BM the purpose of this letter is to create CRISIS. To clearly communicate the Future "is done" and accelerate fear of loss.

The "devastation" will force her hand to "sh!t or get off the pot". She's been having fun and emasculating Future for about a year with her indecisiveness.

How much more should he take before she sends him to the funny farm?
How much longer must the man sit back and "enjoy" the devastation she has wreaked on his family?

Future is in a good position now. Why? The cracks are starting to show in the affair. Her OM is not being as supportive as he was before. Why? Who knows. One can only ass-u-me. My assumption is that now that the separation is coming the OM has to face the reality of having to live with and support a cheating woman. A woman who has made her husband's life hell. Yes, men can be stupid, but not THAT stupid. Now that the fun is over OM is also getting a peek into reality. I'm pretty should he's asking himself if he could ever trust a woman like her.

Future has made his changes. She has noticed. She is backing off slightly. She is having some second thoughts. That letter, accompanied by legal ACTION will add to her crisis and encourage her to face reality. The iron is hot. Her resolve has weakened.

Should he wait until she recovers her resolve and her barriers come slamming back up?

[Gnosis]

Future, just to clarify, the letter and pushing for S is a last resort -- the purpose is to get her to wake up and start pursuing you.

The reason is that if it doesn't work and she pushes forward, you back way off. You have your answer and are out of limbo. You will have a final answer.

On the other hand, and this is the case we all want, if she wakes up and wants back in, you're going to have to make her work for it. You have to switch roles and become the WAS and she the LBS. If you're worth it she'll work for it. If she doesn't then you will reach some clarity that this is not the kind of woman you want in your life.

I hope this explanation provides you with some clarity.