he was self-destructive, sabotaging his own life because he didnt feel he deserved it. Its hard for me to understand, but I guess my bf is what could be called - a little bit f*cked up !!!!
lmao Ali, that is a great conclusion...actually i can almost understand what he said.....it nmay have afflicted XW as well... I am trying to understand mish, Michelle and Cyrena as well...S XW did experience some traumatic times....but all that is in the past for me and quite honestly even if I understood it, I still think it boils down to choices. For the record, i had many chances to cheat on my XW...never did....maybe that is because I had a "normal" childhood....or maybe the stars were aligned or maybe I know right from wrong or maybe I am the one who is screwed up. Bottom line is your guy is back, enjoy each other's company and hope it lasts forever!
Hey Cyrena, nice to see you back! Thanks for that, thats interesting and as you may have noticed, I always took the compassionate view of how he behaved and saw it in context of his depression.
Mish, I know you understand. I had temporary depression twice in my life and it was horrible (what the doc called "reactive depression"). It IS hard to understand, they call it "living outside the wall". My bf even said last night, he feels like he is behind a wall! Its hard to seek help and believe you can be helped?
Michelle, I agree. My bf's parents got D when he was 16. By age 10 his Mum was having a PA with his Dads best friend.. in THEIR house. His Dad would discreetly go out and leave them together. Super wierd. His Dad went into a pit of despair until the D was settled, then my bf chose to go live with him at 18, to keep him company. I cant imagine what all that turmoil would do to you in your formative years.
John, maybe we are all capable of making bad choices, even with a good childhood! (Like me and my EA). But, my bf grew up with two depressed parents in a fairly business like M (MIL told me she knew walking down the aisle it was a mistake, she didnt love his Dad). She was also domineering and used to hit him alot as a small child because, probably because she was depressed and not coping. EVERYTHING was swept under the carpet. I think you can turn in on yourself in that type of atmosphere and not learn good coping mechanisms or even how to talk and resolve things. Perhaps it was the same for your W?
So we had a drama last night - his BMF in Cornwall told him recently he had an 'email friendship' with Helen. Then last night we invited him to an event and he said he was going anway.. and he was taking Helen!!
My bf got VERY upset about this. He said he felt let down and incredulous his BMF would date his ex, friends dont date each others ex's. That it would make it very awkward to see BMF.
His depression gets worse by the day, he was literally crying in my arms last night. He said he feels behind a wall, he is going inward on himself and that he feels sad, all the time, and doesnt know why. He said perhaps I should find someone else, seeing as he was all this trouble and 'useless'. That he wanted to be a man for me and able to cope and things like this Helen thing really stress him out and he cant cope.
BMF emailed him today to say they arent a couple. Perhaps their date didnt go well afterall! Thats a relief though. I was upset she might be dating BMF, thats one complication we dont need.
I'm at a loss, I wasnt expecting things to get SO bad again. Of course I worry he will leave again but he said he wouldnt. I think he should go back on AD's.
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Ouch! That would be a horribly painful thing to hear from your friend that they are dating (or even just seeing as a frind) your ex. Weird.
I agree about the AD's Ali. The natural remedies are great, but they aren't an adequate substitute for all people. He needs therapy....badly. Why won't he go?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Realize that you can't fix him but can support him. I think he really needs to get back to a doctor and on AD's until he can develop some coping techniques. I wish I knew the magic words to get him to go, maybe you do.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I agree that you have always shown understanding and compassion for your BF's depression, and think that has made it easier for you to reconnect with him without huge resentments, etc. I'm happy you've come as far as you have! I worry a bit, though, that his depression leaves too much of the work of the relationship to you: you are left in charge of researching alternative medicines, manage difficult conversations, steer him towards sex, etc etc, and the more depressed he becomes the more he depends upon you. Yet a caretaking role is not the equitable partnership you were looking for.
My H, too, had a childhood marred by his domineering mother's physical and verbal abuse (although he always tried to minimize this and insisted it didn't affect him). It resulted in him having low self-esteem and trying to be a pleaser. The counselling he got while deciding whether to work on our marriage helped him to acknowledge and shake off the effects of this abuse, to set up boundaries with his boss ensuring he puts his family before his work, to stop needing distractions (obsessing about material goods he "needed," drinking too much, listening to the dramas at work and then "rescuing" people), and to stop stuffing his feelings.
While I know it's not your job to get your BF to take counselling, I believe that he requires it to be a good partner to you, and that it is the only effective way of diminishing his depression. I hope you could be successful in encouraging him to go.
Hey girls.. well, he DID finally call the number for counselling and left a message, but thats all so far. He cant be bothered because of his depression - its not the phone call or making an appointment, its what comes fter he said (the effort I assume). He's been better since Friday though, because we went home for the weekend and were around old friends. He said socialising makes him feel better (distractions).
Cyrena, wow, I think I said before that your H and my bf sound so alike, with the domineering parent and minimising that affect on him and the people pleasing and low self esteem.
And you are so right! I was doing it for him in our old R, but I have not wanted to do that this time around and only researched supplements etc after he had asked for my help. I also looked for a support group online (after here helped me so much!) for partners of depressed people. One of the first things I read said to state that they need to do more to help themselves. I never did this before, I thought you cant 'tell someone' they have to want to get help. But I do intend to be a bit firmer about this, because I wont ever be getting M or having children at this rate and it is draining on me sometimes.
