If your state allows this then proceed directly to the big D, do not pass separation, do not waste $200. Demonstrate your decisiveness. Separation is still wishy washy and tells her she can continue to string you along. Actions speak louder than words Future.
I hear you, and I certainly have that option in my state, but it may be the case that a D will cost ten times what a separation will cost, especially if she fights me on it. I need to look into it. I agree with you 100% though, I'm worried that separation is still too weak, and she'll just think she has a year to string this whole thing along before she makes a real decision.
As for the letter, print it out and let it accompany the D papers. The only thing I would remove are the following sentences:
Quote:
My experience so far has been that people are respectful of the fact that my marriage not yet over, especially given my three young kids, and they don't want to intrude on that, nor risk their own feelings until the situation is resolved. Obviously there are some people in the world who have no problem getting involved with a married person still living with their spouse and three little kids, but I wouldn't be interested in anyone like that.
She has actively demonstrated that she doesn't give two hoots about you and your "feelings." Those sentences ooze of "Pity me, I can't find anyone until we're done."
I hadn't looked at it that way, but I see it now. How about:
I don't feel right asking someone new to look past the fact that I'm still married, especially given my three little kids. Obviously there are some people in the world who have no problem getting involved with a married person still living with their spouse and three little kids, but I wouldn't be interested in anyone like that.
Future, I know you're trying to "guilt" her with that paragraph -- even with the modification. "Guilting" her is a form of pursuit.. and ahem... nullifies the "theme" of the rest of the letter. i.e. "I am done."
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
In response to Steve McQueen's concern that it might not leave any wiggle room once sent, I've softened it ever so slightly:
W-
No need to get together to talk. Your silence speaks loud enough. Your behavior over the past year has been unbelievably disrespectful to me, our marriage, and our kids, and now you making me wait while you "decide" what to do is the final straw. What is a few days possibly going to change? I made myself clear. I will not live in an open marriage, so if you choose to continue your behavior our marriage is over.
I'll make it easy on you. You don't need to decide. I've decided I'm done and I'm moving on. I want to finalize our legal separation as soon as possible. I'll scrape up the money to pay for my half. If you claim you can't afford your half of the cost, I'll cover yours too, and reduce your monthly support by $100 until it's paid off. Although I haven't made any definite plan, I might file for divorce in order to get this done sooner. I want to be totally free to pursue a new life, and being married to you for another year under these conditions is a sacrifice I'm not sure I want to make. When someone asks what my situation is, I want to be able to honestly say "I'm divorced".
This is not what I ever wanted, and my heart is very heavy thinking about what the kids' lives will be from now on, but I won't tolerate your disrespect any longer. At least during the time the kids are with me, I'll be able to honestly demonstrate what is and isn't acceptable behavior from someone in their life.
H
That phrase is made bold here for clarity, it won't be bold in the actual message. Just matter of fact.
I don't know what state you are in and you don't have to say if you don't want but if by chance you are in NY then I have to say, from a legal standpoint and the AWFUL divorce laws here, go for the separation.
My H and I have spent nearly 11K in attnys fees (well, he has, lol, I wont be paying a thing) and the court system here for a divorce, especially a contested one (which will happen if either attny files a RJI if an agreement isn't meant by the two parties within 20 days of the initial filing) is nothing short of your worst nightmare. I know because I have been wrapped up in this joke of a court system for 21 months. The BS - the continuances, the adjournments, the pre trial hearings... it is terrible and stressful and we don't have children.
In NY 90% of all divorces are initiated by a separation agreement as the grounds for divorce here are so nutty and hard to prove - the separation agreement lays the framework (assets and such) for the divorce and the Agreement serves as the grounds after one year. All Agreements state the couple is to maintain separate lives and can conduct themselves as not married (the legal language is fancier than that of course).
If you are in NY, for a purely legal standpoint, don't rule out separation. I wanted a legal separation and my H refused for almost 2 years and when the D proceedings really heated up and he saw I wasn't going to back down, well separated we are as of y'day and this started in March of 2008!. Our Agreement will last for 3 years which is what the D would have been anyhow as far as support and such.
Your amendment is fine. I'd suggest another amendment of that sentence to this:
Quote:
for another year under these conditions is a sacrifice I'm not sure I wantI'm not prepared to make.
Remember you have decided. You cannot demonstrate uncertainty. Be firm. The tone of your letter needs to be strong and clearly communicate your intention.
Only this will make her re-think. Also, I'd like to ask you this: Are you truly prepared to follow through with this?
The reason I ask is because if you budge a micrometer from that letter your credibility will be shot and you're screwed.
This is a last resort strategy. i.e. You becoming the WAH and she the LBS. This can go either way depending on how she feels.
Standard anger and puke: "You know I was going to give "us" another shot. I was almost there, and now you pull THIS on me!! See? I knew it! I knew I was right. You can't change!"
OR (don't get your hopes up)
"I've think we should give it another shot and take it slow." -- IF this happens be on guard. Be suspicious. Go ahead and LAY your boundaries on thick (e.g. transparency). DO NOT withdraw the legal action. Leave it in play. If she breaks your boundaries then its full steam ahead. This is her chance to regain your trust and prove to you she is worth of being called your W. Be patient and watchful.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
I don't know what state you are in and you don't have to say if you don't want but if by chance you are in NY then I have to say, from a legal standpoint and the AWFUL divorce laws here, go for the separation.
My H and I have spent nearly 11K in attnys fees (well, he has, lol, I wont be paying a thing) and the court system here for a divorce, especially a contested one (which will happen if either attny files a RJI if an agreement isn't meant by the two parties within 20 days of the initial filing) is nothing short of your worst nightmare. I know because I have been wrapped up in this joke of a court system for 21 months. The BS - the continuances, the adjournments, the pre trial hearings... it is terrible and stressful and we don't have children.
Well, I have her own admissions of her infidelity, but I don't think I'd need it. She wouldn't contest the grounds. She knows I have everything on her, and she wouldn't want such ugliness coming out in open court.
What you describe about D in NY is exactly what I've heard, so I don't think I can go the route of filing for divorce, as much as I might want to. We've almost got our separation agreement finished up. At our last meeting, when the mediator stepped out of the room she looked at me and asked if I wanted to tell the mediator to hold off on the final paperwork. I asked if she wanted to and she said yes, so I said yes too. My hope was stirred up.
A couple days later was when I told her that I only agreed to that assuming we were still vested in our marriage. She nodded and that's when I said I wouldn't live in some crazy open marriage. She said she knows, and that she hates where she is, but she "just needs a little time". The next day I went out of town for a week, and when I came back everyone was sick, and by the time everyone was better I had to go to my marathon, etc, etc. She's used all that to stall. So here I am.
I probably should just stick with the separation. She seems to consider it a very serious step in the ending of our marriage, so maybe it has enough teeth to work.
Back last winter she was full of brass confidence, not caring if I divorced her or separated or whatever. Whenever she would start to waver, she'd talk to OM and he'd get her all riled up again. Now it doesn't seem to be working. Seems like she's on her own now, at least as far as deciding what she wants to do. I don't know what is going on between her and OM any more, but I know it's something, or she wouldn't be hedging like this.
