Separated, new baby, but still hopeful

[newmama]

Thanks, stuck808. I have some time before January. I think it could make sense for me to continue with my current plan and observe changes for awhile. I have only been actively doing my plan for about 4 weeks now since I had to start over the day after I broke down in tears when he confronted me with D talk (Oct. 18)

Here is the deal with the parenting schedule: I DO have control. We draft it together each month. If I want to make changes, I CAN. Currently what makes me happy is that H is seeing our son at OUR HOUSE, NOT with the OW.

Here is the history of things I've done to try to get WH back.
Jan 1: first discovered the affair. Issued ultimatum, cried, scared. WH reluctantly chose me but kept staying friends with OW underground. (She pursued...this is a whole other story)

March 17: discovered the underground relationship. Issued ultimatum again. Kicked him out, tried to rationalize with him, sent him articles about affairs, tried to get him to see the script he was following was the same as the articles.DIDN'T WORK.Told him we need to divorce and he needs to move out. He wanted to stay in the house with me for duration of pregnancy.I said no way!!!!
We started looking up laws about D in our county, drafted parent plan, started paper work.

March 30: Told him that I couldn't see him. I didn't want him coming over to the house to check on me. We didn't email or talk or text.

end of April: I fell down in the driveway, broke my tooth, had to go to hospital. I tried calling him to take me to the hospital but he never answered (didn't hear the phone). He did feel very guilty and bad and I believe him. But This didn't even cause him to come back to me or "wake up." instead he insisted on taking the garbage to the curb for me and doing some other household things. I said I would allow that if we didn't see each other so he would leave me letters and notes and presents. The letters never said "I love you or I miss you."

So NC didn't make him come back.
May: I sent him a letter based on the advice of my therapist. He said to outline a path for him to come back to me and to let him know that I wouldn't wait forever. But that when he chose to end the relationship, I want to reconcile. I don't know how long I will feel that way. NOTHING happened.

May/JuneWe went to a couple of labor classes together, baby dr. appts, NOTHING changed.

July:he moved in with me and the baby for 3 weeks. During this stay, he did ask about the divorce, I said I had the fantasy of him coming back one day and he said he thought about it but he has made too much of a mess. He will always love me and never stopped.
I tell him I don't want to divorce yet. I ask him if he is 100% sure he wants the divorce. He can't answer. He says no relationship has guarantees, but he isn't ready to end his relationship yet and he doesn't expect me to wait for him. NOTHING CHANGED.

August to October: I get emotional from time to time, I am bitchy to him, I am nice to him. I start "going out" each Thursday night. I don't lose much weight or make any major changes other than try not to show him that I care. I try to be neutral. NOTHING CHANGED

October 18: he brings up divorce, I freak out.
October 19:I start to make changes that he will notice and are good for me--cooking new dishes, cleaning, working out, looking good, being happy not just neutral. NOT arguing with him about our baby, not pressuring him to talk about divorce, stop chasing/ pursuing.

Oct 26: He brings up idea of me letting him take our son each Saturday starting November, to "transition" into the parenting plan. I tell him I'll think about it.

Oct 27: He brings it up again. I tell him I'll think about it.
Oct 31: He brings it up again. I tell him nicely that I need some more time, please. He tells me I will never be comfortable with the idea. I say no, I won't but I would like some more time please.
Nov 1:He brings it up again. Comes over, right away says he brought the parenting plan and wants to discuss it at some point so I say how about now. He says we need to start documenting.(??) I tell him that he is allowed to see his son as much as he wants and all I asked was for more time.We compromise and decide on Nov. 7.He asks for 5-6 hours. I say 3 or 4. We compromise on 4.

HE STARTS CRYING and says he can't imagine the future when he only sees his son every 3 or 4 days. (When he is a certain age, we are splitting custody 50/50) He wants to see if we can find a way to arrange something different. I am CALM, DRY EYED, AND SAY "You know I don't want the divorce, right?" I see his eyes get big for a second and he says "yeah, I know." I remind him that this is his choice, not mine. Then I leave to go grocery shopping. He never took the parenting plan paperwork out of the bag.

[newmama]

Changes: on Saturday, Nov 7, he saw our baby 7-12:30, part of that time with OW. He usually sees him 8-4 at our house.

I made plans to take our baby to visit grandma so he had to leave early. I will be doing something similar this Saturday (making plans to take baby to a friend's)

I rearranged plans this week already ona day that would suit me (so I can take a dance class)

He hasn't brought up divorce or parenting plan since Nov 1.

Oh and from Nov 5- present, when he is here, I have been quiet or busy a lot of the time. I am nice, happy and do make new dinners. When he brought up the D talk in October, he commented on how he will miss the fun we have had cooking together and he appreciates how nice I am to him.
I have not been crying, not freaking out, not issuing ultimatum talk or the other stuff I pulled in the past.


My hope is that by letting him take our baby for a month of Saturdays to OW, he will experience a taste of what a divorced dad's life would be like combined with missing his baby because he is seeing him 4 hours less, combined with feeling "not the same" when he is trying to share the experience of our baby with OW and she is most likely not marvelling in how amazing he is. Combined with the OW pressuring him to divorce me. (just a guess)

Oh and he will miss Thanksgiving with us, and Christmas (if he keeps seeing OW) and he has NOT mentioned a word about Christmas plans at all! I am a little surprised by this but I haven't brought it up either.

He also indicated back when talking about parenting plan that "others are not pleased" with how much he sees our baby but that he is doing what he wants because he loves him so much. (only his family and the OW know and his family loves me and our baby) So I suspect she wants him to spend less time over here at the sacrifice of not seeing his son. I am saying see your son as much as you want. (who is more loving???)

The only other changes I have noticed from him so far is more compliments, more joking and "nice" behavior when he is here, and when he texts every morning to check on our baby, he used to just ask "How is S doing? How did he sleep?" but in last couple of weeks he has asked "How are You guys doing? Did you do suchandsuch?"

[P17]

The only other changes I have noticed from him so far is more compliments, more joking and "nice" behavior when he is here, and when he texts every morning to check on our baby, he used to just ask "How is S doing? How did he sleep?" but in last couple of weeks he has asked "How are You guys doing? Did you do suchandsuch?"

As I've said a million times, I'm no expert. But these texts to me are a step in the right direction. I would say your approach is working, albeit slowly. I would say to keep the pressure off completely and keep going.

I wish my own sitch was going so well!




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[newmama]

p17, Thanks for the encouragement...but I should only care about 50% actions, right?

Yesterday I only saw him about 90 minutes out of 450 minutes so was NC 80% time. On Monday night, we ate dinner together and spent 45 minutes/180 minutes, so NC was 75%.
(Compare this to 40-50% in past visits)

As for your sitch, a) her affair is relatively new still and b)she has noticed your weight loss and dance moves. Just start to be consistent with some kind of strategy that you are choosing, which sounds like GAL + NC, right?

[P17]

p17, Thanks for the encouragement...but I should only care about 50% actions, right?

That's right. And nothing of what they say.

Yesterday I only saw him about 90 minutes out of 450 minutes so was NC 80% time. On Monday night, we ate dinner together and spent 45 minutes/180 minutes, so NC was 75%.
(Compare this to 40-50% in past visits)

So you are still further in NC than previously!

As for your sitch, a) her affair is relatively new still and b)she has noticed your weight loss and dance moves. Just start to be consistent with some kind of strategy that you are choosing, which sounds like GAL + NC, right?

I have GAL'ed. It's not going so well now. But when I had / have NC it will go a lot better.

Need to get back to the gym. Have now lost 35 pounds in weight, grown a beard (we had a conversation about tonight ... mine normally goes a little ginger towards the end and I want to look like Dr Cox from Scurbs as he us my idol ... but mine won't be as grey ... the usual trivial conversations people have :)), am now singing AND dancing (I never did that before) and I think she thinks I have another woman (although this may play into her 'he has another woman so I don't need to feel guilty about it anymore' complex).

[newmama]

Oooops...had one drink too many...don't worry! WH gave our baby a bottle so he is safe (I nurse mainly).

Let's see...tonight I made a new recipe but burnt the bacon and overcooked the steak.
WH said "I don't mind burnt bacon when it's a topping" and "The steak tastes good to me!" he did eat it all.

Our baby was in a horrible mood because he didn't sleep well last night. Normally he is all smiles but when he is ticked he screams his head off, just like tonight. WH was patient and loving.

I worked out on the elliptical but not as long as normal (I am sleep deprived b/c baby is sleep deprived).

From 7:25-7:55, WH's cell phone buzzed not once, not THREE times, but FOUR F'N times! Yep, OW is PURSUING and CHASING and INSECURE! Why do I think it is OW and not someone else? My WH COULD have more guy friends but he doesn't. So it only makes sense that it is WH. If it wasn't her 4 times, then it was at least 2-3x LOL! Way more insecure than me!

He did have opportunity to reply to her when he took our baby upstairs to the crib and/or going to the bathroom.

He stayed longer and we watched V. Then around 8, our baby started fussing. he is consoling him and putting him to sleep as I type this.

[newmama]

WH has left the building (LOL). I made a point to touch him by gently poking his arm while saying "good job getting him to sleep!" as we watched our son in the video monitor in our bedroom. (standing side by side)I may have touched him 2-3x this week which is a lot compared to the 0 times over the last few months.

Don't worry, I am not overdoing it. No, I am not giggling and touching him like some flirty teenager. (or desperate OW heh heh!)

So while exercising I was thinking...my 2nd greatest fear next to the divorce is OW spending time with OUR baby son. Is it a fear or is it based on some kind of protective/competitive instinct?

Then I start to think about the DB coach telling me to face my fear.

Then I start to think about 99% people telling me to go to NC with WH and enforce a divorced dad's visitation schedule before filing for D.After all...would I rather (gag, barf) let OW play with, hold, bond to my son for a temporary amount of time (i.e. Plan B/NC) OR an indefinite amount of time? (Plan D)

So. I am going to keep trying my strategy for a few more weeks. Then, before filing for D, I will get y'alls advice and implement plan B.

Wow. What will my friends and family think of me? All but my mom, my g-ma and one internet friend think I should have divorced my WH long ago. And now I am vowing to postpone plan D further? Seriously, I will need to be even more brave and bold by facing my condescending friends and relatives when I tell them I am not filing for D. I wonder if I will lose friends b/c of this decision.

All motivated by the existence of our baby boy.... but I am still 99% confident their relationship would end and he would be looking me up if we D'd without having a child. (Every ex boyfriend of mine has done it so why wouldn't he?)

[newmama]

P17, I can now picture you as Dr. Cox!! He is funny but luckily has become nicer in recent seasons of Scrubs.

As for your W thinking you have a special lady: part of her may feel relieved (to alleviate guilt) but come on, the other part is threatened!! She is human, right? Even when I have ended a relationship with a boyfriend, it hurt my ego to learn he had started dating. Haven't you felt the same? I am not encouraging you to date in order to make her jealous! BUt you are GAL and the side effect is causing her to wonder what you are up to. (which is goooood!)

Just don't expect her to drop her relationship for you so soon. Remember that it takes 6 months (on average) for most affairs to end. If you expect her to end her "relationship" in 1-2 month's time, I think you will be disappointed.Be realistic instead.

What do you mean about picking up singing? Fun karaoke or singing lessons? Can you carry a tune? What are you singing? :-)

[P17]

P17, I can now picture you as Dr. Cox!! He is funny but luckily has become nicer in recent seasons of Scrubs.

Just the beard ... just the beard

As for your W thinking you have a special lady: part of her may feel relieved (to alleviate guilt) but come on, the other part is threatened!!

Not sure. Sometimes I think she is, sometimes I don't think she cares. It doesn't really matter anymore though.

She is human, right?

That is in question ...

Even when I have ended a relationship with a boyfriend, it hurt my ego to learn he had started dating. Haven't you felt the same?

I have. And girl friends I have spoken to have also said that while they may not want their men back, they don't want them dating either. PDT said the exact same.

BUt you are GAL and the side effect is causing her to wonder what you are up to. (which is goooood!)

I don't know if that is true with her. She just seems to uninterested most of the time.

Just don't expect her to drop her relationship for you so soon. Remember that it takes 6 months (on average) for most affairs to end. If you expect her to end her "relationship" in 1-2 month's time, I think you will be disappointed.Be realistic instead.

I know. I am being too impatient. Again, hopefully the NC will help with that. Maybe my entire mental energy will no longer be focused on her!

What do you mean about picking up singing? Fun karaoke or singing lessons? Can you carry a tune? What are you singing? :-)

No, what I meant was that when she came in I was signing merrily away to myself and dancing around (dance like nobody is watching? :)) which is something I would never have done before. I was Mr Boring, Mr Serious and Mr PayTheBills.

[P17]

Wow. What will my friends and family think of me? All but my mom, my g-ma and one internet friend think I should have divorced my WH long ago. And now I am vowing to postpone plan D further? Seriously, I will need to be even more brave and bold by facing my condescending friends and relatives when I tell them I am not filing for D. I wonder if I will lose friends b/c of this decision.

If you lose friends because you decided to follow your own path in life then you really don't need them as friends. Friends are there to support you and pick you up when you fall over. They are not there to insist you do it their way or you're out!

This is also something that is tackled in the DR book. Friends and family encouraging you to D - mine do the same. What they are actually doing though is looking out for you and looking for a way for you to stop hurting - the obvious way is to D which is why they want you to do it. When you hurt they also hurt so it is also a way for them to get away from that pain. It's human nature. It's natural but it doesn't help you when you are wanting to fight for your M.