RobX - I am detaching. Really. Getting pissed at the card was a step for me. Think about it - a few weeks ago I would have focused on the "only time will tell" part and saw hope in that. I would have hoped for anything from her today - and now I don't.
A while ago I was dreading the move out day, now I am almost looking forward to it. To the tease being gone.
I have no interest in dating right now, but am moving on in other ways. I have not started legal stuff and I have my reasons why. I am not an idiot. I would say divorce is a 90% chance and I will come out of it fine.
Every day I get a little stronger and a little less worried and a little less concerned about busting my divorce. I am becoming whole as my wife says.
Betheman, I understand about the card from your waw. My MIL gave me a birthday card like that just 3 weeks after the bomb. A day after I mentioned my wifes EA friend to my MIL she sent me a birthday card that told me to find a therapist because she could not be my therapist. Nice huh? I trashed that card when I decided my MIL could not be objective about her own daughters infidelity. Happy birthday man!
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
OK, I'm sorry, but I'm going to be blunt here. What exactly did you do to your wife that was so bad that she was "sore for days"? Look- I've been there, and while it's uncomfortable and not fun, I've never been "sore for days". The only reason I can see her sticking around if she was so offended by what you did is if you were heaping emotional abuse on top of that, and that can lead to some powerful brainwashing. In my case, I was already conditioned to keep my mouth shut and just take it. (That is, unless he wanted it opened. Whole lot of other stuff going on too in our M) I am just now getting ready to leave my H and, believe me, sexual issues are a large part of my reasons for leaving. I put up with it for several years because it took me that long to figure out that what he was doing to me was crap. You need to forgive yourself and move on- You're getting yourself together which is a lot more than I can say for my H. You know, I owe you some thanks, because after reading your posts, I am finally starting to feel a little angry at H- I've been having a hard time finding it.
OK, I'm sorry, but I'm going to be blunt here. What exactly did you do to your wife that was so bad that she was "sore for days"? Look- I've been there, and while it's uncomfortable and not fun, I've never been "sore for days". The only reason I can see her sticking around if she was so offended by what you did is if you were heaping emotional abuse on top of that, and that can lead to some powerful brainwashing. In my case, I was already conditioned to keep my mouth shut and just take it. (That is, unless he wanted it opened. Whole lot of other stuff going on too in our M) I am just now getting ready to leave my H and, believe me, sexual issues are a large part of my reasons for leaving. I put up with it for several years because it took me that long to figure out that what he was doing to me was crap. You need to forgive yourself and move on- You're getting yourself together which is a lot more than I can say for my H. You know, I owe you some thanks, because after reading your posts, I am finally starting to feel a little angry at H- I've been having a hard time finding it.
Bunny
While I am working on forgiving myself and I am almost there, I think it's good for you to put your perspective on the way I treated my wife. She suffered sexual abuse as a child and anything that makes her feel used brings that up. On more than one occasion, I treated her like meat. The incident that keeps coming up occured while she was virtually comatose from sleeping pills and alcohol. Again - it was awful!!! I am ashamed of my actions and feel true guilt for it. But...at the same time, I need to move forward.
My actions should not be dismissed as something minor. If I was more graphic, I think it would clarify some things, but it just isn't required. I am not sure why she stuck around as long as she did. She is dealing with many issues right now (lots of physical illness issues, dying grandmother, crazy work stress) and is literally not herself.
The reality is that at this point our marriage is over. I am basically at the point of doing damage control and trying to have the best final outcome for me, our kids and my WAW. That's it at this point.
Some day there could be a reconciliation - but not until tons of issues would be dealt with. Right now, it's a matter of living one day at a time and not being as depressed, scared and worried as I was a few weeks ago.
She truly has my sympathies for being an abuse survivor, but it's up to her to get herself some help so that she can enjoy an adult, intimate relationship without making her H for like a rapist and forcing him to treat her like a china doll. I'm not downplaying what you did if it was so inappropriate, but I see you tried to make amends and get your act together and that's all you can do. I commend you for that so stop beating yourself up. If she wants to hold that against you, that's her choice, but she needs to get herself some help to deal with her past or she will these issues over and over again- you can't do that for her.
She truly has my sympathies for being an abuse survivor, but it's up to her to get herself some help so that she can enjoy an adult, intimate relationship without making her H for like a rapist and forcing him to treat her like a china doll. I'm not downplaying what you did if it was so inappropriate, but I see you tried to make amends and get your act together and that's all you can do. I commend you for that so stop beating yourself up. If she wants to hold that against you, that's her choice, but she needs to get herself some help to deal with her past or she will these issues over and over again- you can't do that for her.
Maybe I confused things. My WAW is actually quite well adjusted sexually and has dealt well with her past abuse. We often had great sex with lots of variety etc. She is a phenomenal lover and everyone considers her one of the sexiest people they know.
The only time(s) it reminded her was when I touched her or myself while she was sleeping. She was very clear that this one thing was not ok, and I did not listen. The final time was the worst ever. I think she sees my actions as about more than just a sexual things - it makes her feel disrepsected and uncared for - that I put my basic needs ahead of her emotional needs.
I will say it again, while there are many reasons that led to the end of our marriage, this is a very important one. As for Rob X's question of why she is ok with some sexual things now - who knows? How can I understand what she really feels? She is an alien after all.
I am no longer beating myself up over it, but at the same time need to recognize it for what it is, to ensure I never treat anyone that way again.
The only time(s) it reminded her was when I touched her or myself while she was sleeping.
Do you understand why this is a huge memory trigger for your wife?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
This is making more sense now, but I would be still be concerned about if she still has residual issues dealing with her abuse that need to be addressed. She is escaping into drugs and alcohol so frequently and heavily for some reason and that could very well be it.
