my W doesn't regret her affair

[Steve McQueen]

Comments?

a walk away spouse never communicates their feelings in such a manner. their silence and attitude convey more than words could ever explain. you have said enough already over the past year. its time to leave her distraught and confused while you smile and become futureabound.

[Gardener]

SM,

Comments?

a walk away spouse never communicates their feelings in such a manner. their silence and attitude convey more than words could ever explain. you have said enough already over the past year. its time to leave her distraught and confused while you smile and become futureabound.

Thanks for this. Hit home.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Comments?

Yeah. It's about damned time.

I wouldn't change a single word.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Comments?

a walk away spouse never communicates their feelings in such a manner. their silence and attitude convey more than words could ever explain. you have said enough already over the past year. its time to leave her distraught and confused while you smile and become futureabound.

I respectfully disagree, McQueen. I think in Future's case, considering his past dysfunction in his marriage and his avoidance of conflict, there may be all SORTS of wrong things that his wayward wife could read into his silence.

I doubt "strength" would be very high on her list, if it appeared at all.

I think there's a time for CLEARLY communicating one's intentions. Since he has included Gucci's magic prefix ("I have decided that"), and not just put some "drama" tome out there to her, I think his note is spot-on -- and long overdue.

Puppy

[futureunknown]

Hi Steve McQueen-

Thanks for taking time to comment.

do you think your relationship currently is anything other than minimal business interactions regarding the kids, some pleasantrys, and pressure and badgering attempts at relationship talks by you? can you understand why your wife cannot recommit to your marriage? why would she want to walk back into a situation that is this constant need to discuss whats wrong? (You try so hard not to have relationship talks. You hate being the one who brings up relationship talks. what relationship?)

Maybe not much more, but we're still very connected by our kids, and we still talk about our lives and go out and have fun sometimes. Pressure and badgering isn't exactly how I'd describe my behavior this year. I have asked her out a couple times, and we went out and had fun without any R talk at all. This is the first time I have ever asked for a relationship talk with her, and it's only because we left a huge unresolved topic hanging. She has pursued me for talks several times over the past few months. The fact that I gave them to her is my mistake.

out of curosity, in the past year since your wife has moved out how many days have you gone not thinking about her or about your relationship with her? 3 months, 2 months, 1 month, a couple weeks in a row perchance? There is a reason people yell detach detach detach on this site it is so you can live without the constant reminder of what is no longer what you taught it was or want it to be, to go out and have fun, to enjoy yourself, to grow both mentally and physically through your own spirituality or interactions with other others.

I haven't detached enough. I know. I haven't gone a day. Our kids keep us so close, I have found it very hard. When our 6 year old daughter takes each of our hands, pulls them together, squeezes them between hers, and looks up at us with a sad longing expression, detaching is pretty dam* tough. During most of our transitions one or more of the kids cry and ask "Why can't we all live together?" I won't bring another woman into the kids lives for a long time, so that means I'm on my own with them half the time for the next couple years, and that's a lonely thought. During my single time, I have been about as active as I can be. I've met new friends, I've gone on lots of dates, I've embraced old interests, I trained for and ran a marathon, I rarely call my W, when she calls I blow her off most of the time. What else can I do? It doesn't mean I don't still love my W and long for my kids to have their parents together again.

You will thank yourself for a new outlook on your future and will probably find your wife back pedaling and pursuing you and approaching you with relationship talks when she realizes how confident, self-respecting and great you have become (esp. when she realizes some other gal snatches you up rather quickly). Your wife cannot commit to you or her fantasy. So commit to yourself.

That is exactly what had her backpedaling and pursuing me. I allow myself to be pulled back in too easily though. I'm learning. Slower than I'd like, but I'm learning.

[BeingMe]

I used to write letters to my H too --- logical ones, last resort ones. He ignored them all, unless I brought them up. We are still together, but nothing has truly been resolved, except that he's sorry for the hurt caused, but it doesn't tell me why, or how I can trust him again. He won't discuss it.

Your next communication should be from your divorce attorney. If that doesn't get her attention, then it's time to follow through with the D. Life is too short to wait on someone who should've sorted out her issues within the M, and not turn to someone else outside it (and then not even regret it). A letter tells her that she can still string you along. It's a repeat of what you have already told her. If she truly feared losing you, then she would be the one coming to you to talk. When we allow our spouses to do this to us, we are living a lie, and our kids can feel it. Life is too short (believe me, I have a brain tumour, and although I am glad to have my H's support, it has come at a very high price and even now, with all that has happened, he will not discuss his issues).

My humble opinion, but it comes from painful experience. Go find a new life, free of all this stuff.

[futureunknown]

I respectfully disagree, McQueen. I think in Future's case, considering his past dysfunction in his marriage and his avoidance of conflict, there may be all SORTS of wrong things that his wayward wife could read into his silence.

Exactly. Thanks Puppy. If I start being distant she'll just think I'm being moody again, and I'll be back when she bats her eyes at me.

I doubt "strength" would be very high on her list, if it appeared at all.

I am embarassed to admit this is true.

[Steve McQueen]

no disagreement pdt. i see where you are coming from. but thats a hard letter to back down from even if they coming crying back after they read it begging for forgiveness. i'd definitely follow it up with divorce papers and a for sale sign on the front lawn if i was to send it, personally.

but if future's got the backbone go for it. that woman needs a kick in the pants down the road. imo.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Our kids keep us so close, I have found it very hard. When our 6 year old daughter takes each of our hands, pulls them together, squeezes them between hers, and looks up at us with a sad longing expression, detaching is pretty dam* tough.

Damn, that broke my heart.

All the more reason to stop doing what you've BEEN doing, and try something stronger/more effective, even if it's damned difficult.

Puppy

[Gnosis]

Your next communication should be from your divorce attorney. [snip] A letter tells her that she can still string you along.

Amen!

If your state allows this then proceed directly to the big D, do not pass separation, do not waste $200. Demonstrate your decisiveness. Separation is still wishy washy and tells her she can continue to string you along. Actions speak louder than words Future. Her actions speak of someone keeping you in their back pocket as Plan "Z". I.e. Their last resort if plans "A" through "Y" don't pan out. (And yes, in case you were wondering, all puns intended with the A.

As for the letter, print it out and let it accompany the D papers. The only thing I would remove are the following sentences:

My experience so far has been that people are respectful of the fact that my marriage not yet over, especially given my three young kids, and they don't want to intrude on that, nor risk their own feelings until the situation is resolved. Obviously there are some people in the world who have no problem getting involved with a married person still living with their spouse and three little kids, but I wouldn't be interested in anyone like that.

She has actively demonstrated that she doesn't give two hoots about you and your "feelings." Those sentences ooze of "Pity me, I can't find anyone until we're done."

Once you've demonstrated your backbone and decisiveness put on your spewproof coat because the shirts going to hit the fan. She'll be screaming blue-murder. Stand firm. You're creating a crisis for her and upsetting the apple-cart on its way to the pie shop. And, if she isn't too enmeshed in her fantasy may just give her the jolt to try R. If that happens, handle with caution.