Donna, he has never once thought of the 20+ years and when he does eventually get around to it he will be a bit of a mess too. But this isn't about him, it is about you. Don't get me wrong there are moments I get upset that he threw this all away but do I really want the POS he has become? Heck no!!
You get a do over a chance to change, a chance to do things you maybe only dreamed about but he didn't like. Look towards the possibilities and what steps you need to take to make them happen. It is a slow process and I think that is so we get it right. No need to rush. Afterall this is our lives we are talking about.
Sometimes I think you see your ex as a sort of security object but hon, he isn't that anymore. He shook you to the core. Put him away. You will deal with the memories when they aren't so painful.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Donna, being friends with the ex is difficult. I know people who, like yourself, try it and get taken advantage of. It often ends negatively. It'a a tough line because you want to be mature and show the children how adults SHOULD handle difficult times but again, like a marriage, it takes two people with similar goals in mind. My STBX and myself get along pretty well and both of us have similar mind sets as to what we want from it. That said, I don't call her "just to chat" or anything like that. We do spend "family" occassions together and we both know if one of us needs something the other will help out. We're pretty lucky that way, for many it doesn't work out. Btw, just because your ex isn't showing any pain doesn't mean there isn't any. People act out their pain and guilt etc in different ways and if they don't in the long run suffer big time. You feel your pain and heal, that's the way to go! Feel better
I was able to get an early appt with the IC today, so I'll go. I was SO hoping/thinking that I was past this urgent stuff...
I think I have blocked a lot of it out, but I know that I cried a lot as a child. Probably daily. At first, it was about neighborhood kids who would tease me because I was an easy target; I cared what they thought, a people-pleaser. I was used a lot. Often left when someone / something more exciting came along. Then I developed an interest in boys in fourth grade or so. Would dream about so-and-so in class liking me - again, it mattered to me. Of course, they were too busy for nonsense like that! And I was not one of the pretty/popular girls. I would turn myself inside out, trying to be someone they might like, never even talking to them about it, just crush after crush, home to cry everyday that "he" didn't see me. That went on for years... My sister was born when I was in 5th grade, which complicated things (I was a main caretaker). I had to be home. There was no such thing as being driven somewhere for a playdate (before or after she was born).
I got close once...a boy down the street and I developed a really close friendship. I was head-over-heels, but he was oblivious. I was happy to just hang out with him most days after school, do homework, watch tv. He taught me to bowl. Lasted about 4 months. Until the Monday he told me about the great weekend he had with this other girl - they had gotten drunk and had a snowball fight with no shoes on. (I was always seen as the goody-goody, never even invited to parties my friends from school would have...still not sure why, but it just didn't happen).
I think that was when I decided that I would be alone forever, and to just get used to the idea. No more crying, no more crushes or hopeful anticipation / expectations. I met my x only a few months later. And everything, everything changed. ********
I find myself back to square one, only this time it is worse. I know what love is like, and what I lost and is no longer have. I am grateful for the time I had, but still...
********* X as a security blanket... I think that he was more than that to me. He was so many things to me. Yes, I know it is unhealthy. He filled in the pieces of a broken girl and that relationship held me together for more than 20 years.
Now, I have been shattered, and I'm not sure if I can build those pieces myself after so long. I guess I will just keep on trying - what else is there to do?
Just look how far you have come from where you were when he left. You stand on your own two feet, you work hard, you have friends who love you, and most of all.....you are learning to love yourself.
What more is there really?
You can't expect a shattered life to be repaired in a matter of just a couple of years. It will take long term work and soul searching. There are days that overwhelm but they are so much less than they were.
Last edited by mishka422; 11/18/0905:58 PM. Reason: brain blip!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I don't know everything about your sitch but I do know that trying to figure out what life is all about post-d is difficult.
The friends thing is hard for me to navigate too. I've mentioned it many times on my own thread. The she and I have a cordial relationship and limited exchanges. We stick mostly to business. I feel I'm the one who probably set the boundary. It's tough even when we have a good exchange because it brings up the past and leaves a sad feeling.
So he brought you something when you were sick? That was kind. The she also took care of me for part of a day recently when I had day-surgery on my foot. For the reasons above it was awkward at times. Accept the kindness, be thankful, and don't attach too much to it.
Div is like an injury. But you will heal, you will walk again, you will run and jump again. And at times you will forget it ever happen. Instead of waiting for that day, celebrate the each of those little steps. Stay strong.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Your previous post was very telling. It sounds as if you are still carrying a lot of childhood hurt and rejection. Possibly you will need to deal with that before you'll be able to heal from another deep wound that the divorce left you with. I assume your counselor already knows what you've written about here.
I know how hard it is to deal with the end of a marriage where we weren't allowed any choice but that of divorce. It must be much harder to feel as if you never had choices. The great thing now though is that you do. Once you've healed your life is whatever you choose for it to be.
I don't know your whole story but I think I've read enough to know that you have a lot going for you and that you have a lot to give. At some point we all have to take control of our lives and prove to those that have hurt and dismissed us wrong. Besides, you've already come through the tough stuff and you're still standing!
Glad you have a C appt to talk some of this stuff though.
That's a lot to deal with.
Even for someone with no real self-esteem or abandonment issues, D is a horrible, shattering experience. It takes time to pick up the pieces, and it never happens as fast as we want it to.
Hang in there.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Oh Donna, I don't really believe that being post-D "friends" is good for very many people at all. It is NORMAL. What is ABNORMAL is being "friends" with people who treated you the way XH and his GF treated you. No need to push there. Gaining some compassion and understanding WILL help YOU. But that doesn't mean either should or will lead to friendship.
I am so glad to see you say that. That is something I think about also, because I am very much like Donna. I can't be friends with my X or the new Mrs. X. There was way too much nastiness. But I occasionally worry if I am wrong in not being friends, so many people seem to think it is the norm.
I look at it this way. My friends are people who I respect and trust, and they respect and trust me. X and Mrs. X neither respect or trust me, and have done nothing that I would consider an act of friendship. And their actions have proven that I cannot trust them and I certainly don't respect them....so by definition they can't be my friends. I do best if interactions are primarily through e-mail...no emotions involved.
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
You are bruised, not broken. Dont make yourself believe you are broken. Grief and sadness come like waves. Anything can trigger them coming back viciously. Dont be scared. You've been thru alot and you have done well.
Give yourself credit Donna, dont let your emotions rule you. You just hit a low. There is only one way to go now, up. hugs K
Well said!!!!!!!