Hahaha, definetly TMI hey. For anyone reading, you shouldnt underestimate your WAS guilt. He told me last night he is paralysed by guilt, he has it by the bucket load, that whenever he starts to think about how he behaved and treated me, well... urghh.. and he started to shudder and said something about not being able to deal with it or handle just how much he hurt me and some of the insane things he did (like stopping all contact with me, sleeping with her etc). I said I had terrible guilt after my EA.
We had finally had a conversation about sex and Helen.. I said something about things I had heard about her and imagining her to be "wild in bed".. he said, "Are you asking me if she was? No. Thats why I was surprised when you told me those things about her" (like she had been promiscious apparently). I also mentioned being worried about comparisons and he said, You are by far better...in ALL ways.
So finally got that one straightened out! But I kept it brief, as above.
This was a small part of the convo, after he said about guilt, we had a long conversation about his relationship with his Dad and all the tremendous guilt her carries around for not being "there for his dad" since his Mum left him when he was 16. About not doing enough for him when he was ill (he did alot though) etc. I said we need to get him some help. He was tearful and said again he would be in a terrible state if it wsant for me and the for being happy to be with me. I dont know where all this guilt is coming from. Its natural for a 16 year old to ignore their parents divorce and go out with friends all the time instead. He is now consumed with guilt about not doing more, since his Dad has died.
But this is what its all about, why he left me in the first place. Its to do with his Mum and Dad and feeling not good enough and like he hates himself. He said when he left me, after the bomb, he didnt know what he was thinking, walking out like that, abanoning me in Cornwall, but at the time he just basically hated himself.
I told him he's stuck in the guilt stage and to phone Cruse (free bereavement service). To be honest, I dont know what to do. As my Counsellor once said, you're not his therapist, you're only his girlfriend.
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Ali, With all due respect to all those who believe in therapy and astrology, I think I would rather believe Priya than a therapist. I believe we can have feelings of guilt, we can be affected by our childhood in many ways. However, I have difficulty making the connection with feelings of guilt about a parent to actually leaving your spouse. I am guilt ridden so now I will compound my guilt by leaving my spouse and family? Why is it that we always blame our past (usually our relationship with our parents) for our character flaws? When was the last time you heard anyone give credit to their parents for the person they are and take the blame for their own shortcomings? I have a tendancy to be black and white (some call that cynical) and honestly I do not buy into any of the behaviourial shortcomings of a WAS and their direct relationship to life events. If that were true, we would all be an event away from leaving..... Having said that, good for you on the middle of the night horizontal tango....now that is my kind of therapy...oink oink!
Hey John, my Mum just said the same thing! (about it being an excuse for leaving and she didnt really buy it). I dont think he is blaming his parents for WHY he left. He has said there were problems in our R that year and also, his depression made him snap and not be able to view our problems as fixable, that he felt very negative and crazy and didnt know what he was thinking. He cant give a reason why he left, or why he dated Helen. I think people 'act out' unconciously when they dont feel happy or good about themselves.
Talking of astrology, my bf has his Sun and Moon in exact sqaure and his moon is at the critical 29th degree of a sign. All pretty dodgy!! To have your Sun (self, ego) squared to your Moon (emotions, inner self, soul).. is not great. Its like he's always 'at odds' with himself. A well known astrologer told me that having his Moon in the last degree, I could probably never really rely on him, he would always 'blow in the wind'. She was right, he has told me that things just seem to happen to him. Like dating Helen!
The guilt thing and shame led him to hate himself and not value himself and that made him run. He said last night its almost like he was self-destructive, sabotaging his own life because he didnt feel he deserved it. Its hard for me to understand, but I guess my bf is what could be called - a little bit f*cked up !!!!
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
IMO, the past is not a direct cause for our current actions, but the patterns of our behavior is shaped by those events. We need to re-learn how to handle situations and a lot of the time that requires us to do things that don't feel 'normal'. The 'abnormal' feeling response is more than likely the healthy one. KWIM?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
That's a great point Mish! But instead, they go with what feels "right". Or at least makes them feel better, temporarily.
$h!tty coping mechanisms. Which I think can be related to unusual stresses early in life, cuz if they never learned to deal with them then, they won't be able to deal with stresses now until they learn how to cope better.
IMHO, the problem with D is that the kids see a lack of commitment. They learn that it's acceptable to leave when things are tough, that families don't actually stick together through the tough times. So, their idea of commitment is a bit dodgy and they believe it's okay to leave too. So, when the stress gets too high, they do. KWIM?
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Somewhere in my readings on MLC I came across an article on the net called something like Seratonin, from bliss to despair, by a Dr Carver. It explained how depression effects certain changes in the brain, which lead to ... well, basically, all the symptoms we notice in our WAS. Essentially, when seratonin levels become severely low is the time he characterizes most affairs of happening--and that the brain misfires the worst.
I'm not saying that this excuses the depressed person from having an affair, especially because not all moderately or severely depressed people make that choice. However, I think we have to have compassion for the fact that their brains are not functioning the way they did before some traumatic event (be it the sudden death of a parent or friend, or some trigger to earlier abuse or childhood trauma) occurred, and that they genuinely have not yet developed the skills to take ownership of the chaos in their heads (and to which they contribute).
