Separated, new baby, but still hopeful

[newmama]

Well, he left. No D talk! Before he left, he was watching me play with our baby and said that he is sooo adorable and people would be crazy not to see how great he is. He also said "You really are so good with him!" I said "Thanks, so are you! My grandma is really impressed with how well you interact with him and take care of him"



He seemed a little down, too.

[newmama]

P17, just wanted to let you know that I started reading your thread and will finish it by tonight. I haven't replied to anyone else's threads yet because WTF do I know yet to help people out? (Not because I'm self centered! :-) )

[newmama]

on page 17 so far...there is some advice given to you that I could use like learning that my WH's mood: BAD= GOOD and GOOD=BAD, not to overanalyze (which I have done but used to do waaaay more than lately), ignore words, and only pay attention to 50% actions. Why bother with 50%?

Also...am considering starting to date as soon as I file.It will definitely boost my self esteem and I hate to say this, but honestly believe that
"the best way to get over someone is to meet someone else" If you notice, that is why WAS are able to say ILYBINILWY...they are "over" us temporarily until their affair ends.
Now, I am not saying that I will jump into the arms of another to escape loneliness and lead the other guy on. I am saying DATING. Which means going out, laughing, having a drink, maybe kiss, take it slow. No serious relationships.Date more than one person at a time, but let them know.

WH abhorred when his ex wife and ex girlfriends would flirt with other guys in front of him to purposefuly "try to make him jealous." He saw it as manipulative and cruel. That's why I won't do it as a manipulation technique. I will only date to help ME not to try and get him back. I just don't want to have to wait for the entire D process to be finalized before I could start to have some fun.

Now, honestly, my heart isn't quite ready to give up on WH yet. So I am saving this desire to date until my January deadline.

[K4D]

Why have you set a January dedline? These things can and often do take years sometimes. It is different for each situation.

I'm just curious,

Kevin

[newmama]

oops meant to say "easiest way to get over someone" NOT best.
I think the best way is no contact combined with busy stuff for awhile and then meet someone.

[newmama]

Kevin,
I keep trying to type my explanation. In short, I think 9 months is sufficient for putting up with this bullshit.It has been 7.5 months since he moved out. WH is one of a kind but there has to be a limit at some point.I can't detach without NC.

I wouldn't be able to have true NC with WH unless I am willing to let OW see my son as much as WH would. I am NOT willing, therefore I am not able to detach.

Since I can't detach, it is painful and torments my heart and soul to live like this.It is getting hard for me to hold my head high and pretend I don't feel humiliated.

Divorce is the only way I can go NC I believe. He wants to take our son on overnight visit one day per week when he turns 6 months (January) and this is in the legal parenting plan that we drafted in March. I am not letting him take our son overnight unless I am legally required to. (selfish I know)

Hey if there is an alternative, I would be interested...

[P17]

BAD= GOOD and GOOD=BAD,

The only issue I have with this is that my W never looks happy when she is here ... I don't know whether to put that down to the state of her A or just because she sees me! She does have fun with my D though so ...

Also...am considering starting to date as soon as I file.

I briefly flirted (forgive the pun) with dating. It just didn't work for me. I'm not ready. Then you are much further down the road than I am and have already had a period of NC.

[newmama]

So if your W is unhappy while there, why not think it has to do with the fact that she is regretting her decision and missing her family? Meaning, bad=good? I know this can't account for everything. And just because people feel that way doesn't mean they are going to suddenly change.

When my WH is joking around with me while here, I do not think it is bad. I think it's bad when he shows up already in a good mood (like he got LAID that morning? barf)and leaves kind of like he is excited to go. He was excited when he arrived and left on Saturday after taking our son to the OW. So that was BAD.

[newmama]

I just finished skimming DivorceBusting. I am thinking about the fact that results may take time to show up. I am thinking about my January deadline.

So I wonder if this: IF I DON'T see changes in his behavior by January then I will speak with the action of filing for D.

IF I DO see changes between now and January, then....postpone?But what changes am I looking for? How will I know if he is coming around? What signs will he give me? Will he just suddenly tell me out of the blue that he wants to come home? I don't know what I am looking for all of a sudden.

I think I will ask the forum in Piecing or WAS...

[MrBond]

It comes down to what you want. Do you want your M to be saved? If so, then you can't put a deadline on it. If you do, you will only dissapoint yourself and grow resentful at his not changing according to YOUR timeline.

He's got his own process. First thing I would do though is not be around him so much and allow the baby to see him on YOUR terms. Let's face it. He walked out on both of you. Right now he's got his cake and eating it too. He's got nothing to lose.

You have to give him a reason to miss something. You can't do that while being a doormat. Right now he's calling the shots with the paperwork and everything. You've got to find a way to put yourself in a position of power.

"the best way to get over someone is to meet someone else"

This concerns me. If you REALLY believe this you are setting yourself up for total failure each time. You don't need anyone to get over another R. If you did, you're going to end up with a long string of failed R because all you're doing is transferring your co-dependency from one person to another. Learn to stand on your own two feet for now. Your baby will appreciate it in the long run.