That's why I'd really like to give it another try with my W. Our M was so broken, and we both were such a mess. This separation has been a revelation in many ways. I see her now in a way I never have. We were so stuck in our R. Our whole life became defined by resentment, and we were both too blind to see it, at least not until we were apart for long enough. Even her A, I hate it, but if I'm honest, I have to admit that if it wasn't for her A, we probably would have kept stumbling through our M, and even if we tried to separate, our co-dependence would have pulled us back before any real progress was made. The A served as a barrier that finally kept us apart long enough to get unknotted from each other and deal with the reasons why we were such a mess.
I hate the idea of moving forward in my life without knowing if my W and I could have a great R now. I'm an engineer by trade, so I tend to want to fix things, but sometimes I think I should just hand all this over to God and let him work it out.
Take a look at the above. I understand that those are the things that YOU want. But you have to come to grips with the fact that they are not what your WIFE wants, at least right now.
And you can't control that.
And yeah, absolutely, you need to turn this over to God. "Commit your works to the Lord, and your thoughts will be established." You'll then have the hard work to do, based on the "established thoughts," but the OUTCOME -- the TOTALITY OF THE SITUATION -- that is what you have to give over to God.
Give God the outcome, the entirety of the sitch, and ask for WISDOM, DISCERNMENT and CLARITY, as well as the courage to do with it what needs to be done. As He does, then the hard work is yours to do, as noted above, but you can still lean on Him for help every day.
And yeah, absolutely, you need to turn this over to God. "Commit your works to the Lord, and your thoughts will be established." You'll then have the hard work to do, based on the "established thoughts," but the OUTCOME -- the TOTALITY OF THE SITUATION -- that is what you have to give over to God.
Give God the outcome, the entirety of the sitch, and ask for WISDOM, DISCERNMENT and CLARITY, as well as the courage to do with it what needs to be done. As He does, then the hard work is yours to do, as noted above, but you can still lean on Him for help every day.
Thanks...from a lot of us here.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
So... I'm still waiting for my W to respond to my declaration that I won't live in an open M. From the context in which I stated it, I think she realizes if she chooses to cling to OM, then our M is over, I'm moving on, and our R will be degraded to minimal business interactions regarding the kids.
I'm not sure what to make of the fact that she's stalling so much. I hate that I'm the one requesting a R talk. That is a big no no for me, and I've never done it before, but when I made my declaration, I told her I was at a fork in the road, and she said she just needs a little more time. That was about a month ago. Her stalling was speaking loud enough, so I starting being quite distant, which she noticed. Before I left for my marathon I called her and asked her how she was doing. She said "not great", and said she was trying to respect my distancing myself from her, but then she curiously said "don't worry, the kids will be okay", like I wasn't really asking about her, but rather just wanted to know if she was capable of taking care of the kids while I was gone. I told her we needed to talk when I got back, she tentatively said okay.
I got back from the marathon Sunday night and she was very friendly, wanting me to tell her all about it (it was brutal, but I managed to finish and get my medal!). She didn't offer up any time to talk, so the next morning I called her and again said we need to talk. She said she needs a few more days. More stalling, but I've been at this a year, what's a few more days, so I said okay. I can't make her talk to me. I just don't understand what she's waiting for. With the holidays coming up, I know she's hating the idea of spending them apart and splitting time with the kids, and that's what's at stake here, not just this year, but every year from now on!
It's gotten to the point that I think Vegas should start giving odds on whether or not she'll give up OM! LOL!
Perhaps, it's time to put the LRT into effect. I feel she is cake eating, and it won't change until you make it change. I get the impression she doesn't think you will carry through and step it up to the next level --- wherever that is.
Wishing you well.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I hate this I still need a few more days junk! What do you think about you just stop asking, and stop all contact with her. She knows what you want, Im sure.
Congratulations on your marathon!
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Umm so to clarify, it looks like you set the boundary, she asked for a timeout so you won't enforce those boundaries, and you're wringing your hands over a month later agonizing over what the next step could be?
You really don't know "what she is waiting for"?
She's having a field day at the bakery, that's what. She's not waiting for anything.
With respect, I don't think you're putting this into God's hands, you're playing right into hers. Stand your ground.
Make it clear you won't be disrespected. Not any more than you have already been.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
Umm so to clarify, it looks like you set the boundary, she asked for a timeout so you won't enforce those boundaries, and you're wringing your hands over a month later agonizing over what the next step could be?
You really don't know "what she is waiting for"?
She's having a field day at the bakery, that's what. She's not waiting for anything.
With respect, I don't think you're putting this into God's hands, you're playing right into hers. Stand your ground.
Make it clear you won't be disrespected. Not any more than you have already been.
I agree too. She is reacting to my increased boundaries with avoidance.
Quote:
You really don't know "what she is waiting for"?
She's having a field day at the bakery, that's what. She's not waiting for anything.
I know I must be detached quite a bit, because that actually made me laugh.
My problem is I hate talking about this stuff over the phone or e-mail. I want a face to face talk, and she's avoiding me. The only time I see her is during child transitions, which is no time to discuss such things. I'm considering writing an e-mail. Here's what I have so far:
W-
No need to get together to talk. Your silence speaks lound enough. Your behavior over the past year has been unbelievably disrespectful to me, our marriage, and our kids, and now you making me wait while you "decide" what to do is the final straw. What is a few days possibly going to change? I made myself clear. I will not live in an open marriage, so if you choose to continue your behavior our marriage is over.
I'll make it easy on you. You don't need to decide. I've decided I'm done and I'm moving on. I want to finalize our legal separation as soon as possible. I'll scrape up the money to pay for my half. If you claim you can't afford your half of the cost, I'll cover yours too, and reduce your monthly support by $100 until it's paid off. Although I haven't made any definite plan, I may file for divorce in order to get this done as soon as possible. I want to be totally free to pursue a new life, and being married to you for another year is a sacrifice I'm not sure I want to make. When someone asks what my situation is, I want to be able to honestly say "I'm divorced". My experience so far has been that people are respectful of the fact that my marriage not yet over, especially given my three young kids, and they don't want to intrude on that, nor risk their own feelings until the situation is resolved. Obviously there are some people in the world who have no problem getting involved with a married person still living with their spouse and three little kids, but I wouldn't be interested in anyone like that.
Our relationship from this point forward will consist of a civil business arrangement to manage the raising of the kids. This is not what I ever wanted, and my heart is very heavy thinking about what their life will be from now on, but I won't tolerate your disrespect any longer. At least during the time the kids are with me, I'll be able to honestly demonstrate what is and isn't acceptable behavior from someone in their life.
Thanks bluerain! The flu took its toll on my training, so I didn't do as well as I hoped, but I'm proud of the accomplishment. Miles 17-22 were absolutely brutal. As I crossed the finish line, my only thought was "I'm NEVER doing this again!", but I'm already starting to think about how I could improve my time. I must be a sucker for punishment. Just look at what I tolerate from my W!
So... I'm still waiting for my W to respond to my declaration that I won't live in an open M. From the context in which I stated it, I think she realizes if she chooses to cling to OM, then our M is over, I'm moving on, and our R will be degraded to minimal business interactions regarding the kids.
times up. in all honestly how much longer can you wait? in basketball you get 24 seconds to take a shot; in football 40 seconds to make a play; your wife gets what? over a year to make up her mind? YOUR future will always be unknown unless you take control over YOUR present. It is your decisiveness, your strength and your self-respect that not only controls the outcome of your relationship but also for your future as a whole. There are penalties for delay of game in real life also.
do you think your relationship currently is anything other than minimal business interactions regarding the kids, some pleasantrys, and pressure and badgering attempts at relationship talks by you? can you understand why your wife cannot recommit to your marriage? why would she want to walk back into a situation that is this constant need to discuss whats wrong? (You try so hard not to have relationship talks. You hate being the one who brings up relationship talks. what relationship?) Its been bad for years. its old. its no fun.
Maybe I am off my rocker, but isnt the reason for sharing time, energy, and emotions with someone to have fun, to enjoy yourself, to grow mentally and physically through interactions with them?
out of curosity, in the past year since your wife has moved out how many days have you gone not thinking about her or about your relationship with her? 3 months, 2 months, 1 month, a couple weeks in a row perchance? There is a reason people yell detach detach detach on this site it is so you can live without the constant reminder of what is no longer what you taught it was or want it to be, to go out and have fun, to enjoy yourself, to grow both mentally and physically through your own spirituality or interactions with other others. if by doing so you reattract your spouse, good for you, you counter-intuitively saved your marriage. if not, well, hopefully you come to realize that there is nothing wrong with yourself to make you good enough for yourself.
Both you and your wife need a wake up call. your wife needs a reality slap in the face to realize that pussy footing around with other peoples emotions is bullcrap. and you need to wake up and realize there are more successful ways to save your marriage than waiting around for her to make decisions regarding your life and determining how successful your attempts at detaching are by how well she draws you back in.
If you desperately want to save your marriage, I would let it go, move on, upward and onward. treat it with the attitude, 'it was fun but it has got to end.' Then pursue a life that is fun, exhilarating, inspiring, and fulfills your need to be with someone through 'social interactions.' Your ex-wife can be your babysitter while you GROW physically and mentally apart from her.
You will thank yourself for a new outlook on your future and will probably find your wife back pedaling and pursuing you and approaching you with relationship talks when she realizes how confident, self-respecting and great you have become (esp. when she realizes some other gal snatches you up rather quickly). Your wife cannot commit to you or her fantasy. So commit to yourself.
