He actually called me - said he wasn't trying to start WWIII with this.
I asked him, Why now? Nothing when I had my appendix out, nothing when I really needed someone...I've been on my own for years. He said he couldn't be there, then. He just wanted to move forward. He said he was just trying to do something nice. I said yeah, that always made you feel good about yourself. I just cut it short, said whatever, if you want to drop something off for the kids, that's fine. It is nice.
I'm sure this says something about me, that I am not highly evolved or whatever. That we would never have had a chance of getting back from this place, after all.
But he has made his choice. And I have been hurt so much...
Never thought that the two of us would ever end up like this.
Yes, he is trying to feel good about himself. Cuz even if he won't really admit it, I bet he felt guilty about not helping out when you were sick, even if he won't admit it.
So he's trying to make up for it now in a way that's safe - the kids. In a way that will generate no expectations from you other than he can be good father.
(((Donna)))
There's no point in fighting about it. It solves nothing. Let him do something nice for the kids, and let yourself grieve the fact that he doesn't do those things for you without putting them in the middle.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
----- Oh, you know, I say BS. MAYBE he is doing it out of guilt. Or MORE LIKELY he is just trying to be a nice guy. Without signs of his homelife falling a part and frequent reaching out to you for no reason at all, I'd say he is doing it to be nice.
YOU are the one making it about the past. The LBSs seem to want everything to be about the past and guilt. But truthfully,probably, it is not about the past, it is not even so much about YOU. The primary caretaker of his children and children are all sick. Bringing by dinner simply makes sense to a decent person.
I really wish you could resist the urge to make this all about YOU and indulging your victim rant. I'd bet a whole lot that XH was starting to feel that there was a decent amount of space building. You just closed that space by making his choices about you. Look, it would have been INAPROPRIATE for XH to take care of you with respect to the appendicitis. XH could NOT rescue you from your depression, he was the cause of it. Acting like your H would have been the WRONG thing for him to do. When those things happened, he was VERY clear that he was emotionally D and committed to legal D. You are not entitled to have someone play the role of rescuer/nurturer in your life who does not want to play that role. Let go of the tired victim narrative.
I know you are sick. But basically he did something decent, and you went back to rehearsing all your old crap for him. This is not the way to move forward. Your reaction also shows your co-dependence -- why are you so motivated to clean the house for HIM?
I'm D and my H is D. My XH is OK. His XW is a bit better now, but for a LONG time she made EVERYTHING about her and the past. As a result, he pretty much cut off all contact with her and they parent their adult children VERY separately. It really is not possible for him to have a decent post-D R with her because she very egocentrically continued to personalize everything and demonize him for far too long. You don't have claims on him. His life and choices are not about you. Does he think about you and care about you? Certainly. But this does not make his choices about you or your PAST R or guilt.
If you can't make room to move forward acting decently to each other right now, that is fine. But, then it is time to go back to near full darkness. Acting out at him is not going to get you anywhere that you want to go, and the animosity it creates is not good for you or the kids.
Finally, notice how you let him bait you. Were you fighting BEFORE he said: look I don't want this to be WWIII. Or, did you let those words rope you into a fight? There is no need to fight if you don't want him to bring dinner to your house.
Donna: "Thanks for the offer, but that doesn't work for me." XH: "I don't want this to be WWIII" Donna: "Lol, me neither. No need to fight. Thanks again, but I'll work out dinner on this end myself. Bye!"
P.S. Well, too late to edit. The thing is, continuing to try to make XH's actions about you and your past keeps you stuck, feeling like a victim, looking backwards. It also keeps you co-dependent, making his choices about you, what his actions mean about you, etc... This is not what you need and it is an inaccurate way of viewing the world. You HAD your past, now is the time to LIVE well in the present.
I'm hearing you on this and came to similar conclusions. He has said in the past that he wishes we could be friends, that I would accept him as he is, not as I want him to be. For now, I choose not to. I don't want to be friends. I can't pretend that everything that happened, everything he said and did, doesn't matter.
I didn't clean the house for him (he wouldn't come in, and I knew that- he called S on his cell phone and the kids met him in the drive, which is usual.) I cleaned the house because it had to be done, and I am on my own, and I have to be able to do this.
You know, I miss my old self. Three years ago (down to just a few days), I was a happy person. I was stressed out sometimes, but other than that, happy.
Now, everything is a struggle. Yes, it is greatly improved since the initial days of the bomb and the craziness I sank into.
But I am sitting here, yet again, crying.
Over my x being nice to me.
I am so angry at myself. I want to be normal again. I want that state of grace.
But I also want him to just go away. It hurts. It still hurts.
I don't want him to be that man who I loved so much for so long, but who now wants to be with someone else, and relegate me to "friend" status.
I don't want to admit that he is still a good man capable of decency.
And I am weak. And I am messed up, still trying to become a better person.
I don't want to turn into a mess all the time - I am sick of it! How many years can you spend crying?
My head, my thoughts are swirling.
I don't know if I will ever completely recover from all this.
Oh Donna, I don't really believe that being post-D "friends" is good for very many people at all.
Nothing at all wrong with sticking to business. Nothing at all wrong with saying, "Gee, that is thoughtful. But no thanks, I'm not comfortable with that."
It is NORMAL. What is ABNORMAL is being "friends" with people who treated you the way XH and his GF treated you. No need to push there. Gaining some compassion and understanding WILL help YOU. But that doesn't mean either should or will lead to friendship.
But DO work on your boundaries. If you want to limit contact, fine. But be clear and straightforward about it. "XH, let's just stick to a civil business associates R for now. I'm not interested in friendship at this point." Don't go back to trying to extract whatever it is you want from him from the past. Whatever path you choose moving forward, just remember: YOUR CHOICE.
So much for him doing a "nice" thing. I cried for more than an hour last night (two maybe?), and now my already-sore-from-being-sick head feels like it's been through a meat grinder.
I'm sure he is completely baffled that I didn't want to accept gratiously, and would be baffled to know the effect he still has on me (why isn't she over it yet? he11, he was able to get over 20+ years pretty quick...)
He has what he wanted...what does he really want and expect of me? I am not made of rock, and I am not a saint.
I know now that any future gesture he makes like this will be greeted with a Thanks but no thanks. I'm not setting myself up for another night like last night.
