What about me! What about f*ing missing me not the cat! It's all it ever comes down to... his new job. Well good luck with that one ow! Excuses, excuses, excuses!
Hey Julia, I'm so sorry you got that, it must have been horrible. Its the sort of thing that shuold have been said face to face hey, not in an email, what a shame he didnt pick up the phone.
I just wanted to say.. OF COURSE he misses you, look what he said in his email:
"The idea of not having any more contact with you makes me very sad, but if that is what you would prefer then of course I will do that. I really hope everything is okay at work, at the new flat and so on, and that Maple is still behaving herself. I miss her a lot."
But he cant say, I miss YOU, because that would be hyprocritical and also, giving you false hope and I am sure he doesnt want to do that. In fact, I think contrary to what the obvious reactions are (he's a b*stard, you're better off without him etc).. in a funny way, he has shown some integrity in that as far as I remember, he's never once wavered or made a play for you, or given you the impression he may have made a mistake in leaving you for ow. He has in fact, kind of stuck to his decision. For example, in his email he graciously accepts that you are divorcing him and offers to help.
Plus, with his job.. well, you are not the one anymore, you are not his partner, so you like all other people in our lives, friends, family etc, do have to get slotted in around work and partners. It sounds unfair and it is of course, but he is really different to anyone else in their late 20s who are working hard to get their career off the ground.
Its just very very sad that that one in a million thing happened, he met someone else and they had a mutual attraction and he left you. And yes, it could happen to any of us. My last three bf's were all unfaithful and left me for someone else and I thought I met a good man in my now bf (and he is a good man) and I NEVER thought he would leave me, but even he did! I guess we humans act in the most perverse ways and end up hurting the ones we loved.
I just think yuor H DID love you and probably a part of him does still love you and certainly misses you, but for whatever reason, he has decided to not share his life with you anymore. Thats not your fault and you WILL have a wonderful love life again, you are being very brave, getting out there and meeting guys. As my sister said to me, this is just one man out of 6 billion people on the planet, that one man doesnt define you and what you have to offer, so believe in yourself.
Lastly, he did also say... "I will always regret what I have put you through and I hope that everything turns out well for you.".. which is an apology isnt it? Of sorts anyway, or at least an acknowledgement. But then, your reaction is understandable as I am sure you have alot of anger really about all of this.
How abuot you STOP Dbing and being careful and filtering your thoughts and youself and trying to minimise his guilt etc etc and just DO WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT TO DO!? Be honest, be yourself, phone him up, yell and scream if you want to, ask to see him and tell him to his face that you cant believe what he did, that he walked up the aisle with you to then leave a year later, why did he do that ?? Tell him no, of course you dont want to lose him from your life either, but what does he expect, you continue to be this hidden friend that could never meet him (and ow!) in a pub or come to his house !?? How does he think you can remain friends? Do whatever without worrying about HIS reaction or what HE might think of you...I dont know, just let it out of your body somehow, stop trying to be "nice Julia" ??
xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
(((Al))) thank you for your really thoughtful post and for pointing out things that I had overlooked in my rage. I have calmed down about it a lot after getting over the initial shock of receiving the email and can see some good points, even if to me the way he expresses himself sometimes often seems insensitive. The bit you pointed out to me about him missing me though, thank you. That has given me some comfort. I always appreciate your point of view and your posts to me.
(((Michelle)))
(((Cas, Bonny))) I have tried that, demanding to know what was going on etc and ranting etc, and it doesn't work and it doesn't make me feel better as it was possibly the most unsatisfactory conversation I have ever had! I did it over and over in the beginning and he just clams up and says nothing but 'I don't know'. In truth, I do believe that he honestly doesn't know, or can't express to me what went on in his head. I think he is ashamed and shocked by his behaviour. I don't feel I need an explanation from him really, I know what happened. I am ok about it now really. I don't like that it has happened, but I accept it has.
Julia, I need to rephrase what I wrote. My intention was not to suggest you scream and rant and rage but simply to be yourself and speak your truth and in so doing to look after you as the priority in all of this. Look after you as you're the most precious and the most important!
Ah, ok I see. I have tried that also, same reaction as described above. I have accepted that I will never get any answers from him and have given up torturing myself as to the whys. I have just decided that I cannot give that situation anymore energy at the moment.
Your last sentance really made me smile, thank you.
Julia I know exactly what you mean. I feel the same way. Sometimes I still think about the why, but know I will never really know. It does feel better, more peaceful, when you do stop fighting to know all the answers, and just accept that they are idiots.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
The only way I ever got any peace, and surprisingly any answers (possibly?), was to write a carefully crafted e-mail which mostly said I am resigned to the D and give up. It took him more than 3 months to respond to it, but he responded with an equally long e-mail (although parts of it were stupid and still playing the "it's your fault cuz" game lol).
But, you know what works for you.
You know what makes you feel better. And deep down, you know what you need to have peace (most of the time at least, since we all have the days where we dwell on the past a little ).
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
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