Well, as someone who probably got $3500 in TOTAL for 8 years of child support (no Spousal whatsoever) - YES - she should be paying HALF! But your daughter has no right whatsoever to take your credit card - that is stealing! And you should only pay for the applications you agree to. This girl is out of hand. Her sense of "entitlement" is right up there with her mothers. Though, as the mom of a 21 year old daughter - it is not uncommon that these kids do feel "entitled" and learn to use and abuse us. It is not OK and I'd be making myself perfectly clear to her about that.
You're in an interesting situation. My former spouse pays me X amount a month for alimony and unallocated child support for our minor child. He refuses to pay for anything else, sports, lessons, activities, clothing, school dues.. zip... and nothing for her brothers in college. If she asks him for something his response is, "Ask your mother." So yes, I think that your divorcing spouse should pay for a portion of what you both consider to be a reasonable, realistic number of applications. Whether or not she agrees is a different story.
This is a co-parenting issue. If you and your divorcing spouse can agree on something then you have something to work with and your daughter won't take matters inappropriately into her own hands. If it doesn't work with your divorcing spouse, then review the applications with your daughter. Carefully go over how many you feel are appropriate and decide how much you're willing to contribute to the process. It's about learning to make informed decisions and choices, a skill that is necessary in life. The remaining amount is your daughter's responsibility. You might find a way for her to work it off, but be fair. Communicate clearly as a caring but not pushed over parent.
Set boundaries and reasonable consequences for her inappropriate actions. Teenagers have a limited attention span. Keep your message short and sweet.
On the plus side she answered your questions. You're not being blackmailed, you're not being squeezed, you're just in new territory full of setting appropriate boundaries. You can dispute the charges on the card and/or just pay the ones you agree on with your daughter.
I feel this another attempt by STBX to "Squeeze me" and make me look bad
Oddly enough that is exactly what my divorcing spouse said when I suggested we split the cost of our sons college text books since they had to take out loans for school, as a gesture of goodwill. I pay half of their books on my own or all of it if they really hustled and got a good deal. It's my choice. He doesn't.
And that my friend is the issue. Separate the anger you have with your divorcing spouse with what's appropriate with your daughter. I'm no longer a couple. I do what I feel is appropriate. You're the dad, the adult. Teach your children well.
Gee, FLTC, sorry you have another bump in the road. It sounds like the issue goes beyond your STBXW saying "ask your father". Your D17 DIDN'T ASK....she just took your credit card. From previous discussions I might have expected you to say that was your older daughter; I didn't realize D17 would do such a thing. It sounds like you did a good job taking the focus away from gym woman.
D17 taking the card is obviously inappropriate. Maybe have her work off some of the charges or some other appropriate lesson. And make sure she understands boundaries for the future.
As for who will pay for all the applications, that's something to work out with STBXW. You can't dictate how she spends the money unfortunately. And these applications are not part of the normal expenses that the child support is calculated to cover. Perhaps you should counter that you will pay half if she'll pay half? Or you'll pay a third, STBXW can pay a third, and D17 can pay a third?
Hope you guys can work something out soon.
Hang in there.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
The charges were just yesterday. Call the credit card company and have the charges stopped. Then sit down with D17 and have a talk.
Is there a reason she thought she had to go ahead and go behind your back? Was she anticipating you saying No? Which of you are helping guide her through the application process, you or stbx?
It has to be treated as 2 separate issues, as Gypsy said. You will have to have a discussion with stbx about what costs are going to be covered by support, and which will be split between you.
And D17 needs a talk about college applications, costs and real money, responsibility (does she have a job?), spending as she goes out into her future (she just seems to be set up to create a real mess when she gets out on her own - credit card companies are looking for "new meat," and she will quickly get in over her head). Point out that her mother said to ASK YOU about the fees - not to steal your card!! Instead of thinking that stbx wouldn't pay for any of it (which is probably true), think of it as her requesting a conversation with you about it (yes, I know this isn't likely her train of thought, but if you offer stbx something rational, maybe she will take you up on it - say that D17 said she thought you should both talk about pending college steps). Meanwhile, if there are deadlines looming, maybe agree to give her a set amount of money, then help her decide which colleges to send applications in for. Point out that most entry-level jobs pay roughly $8/hour - how many hours work is each application worth? Would she be willing to ring out customers at the grocery for that many hours to pay for all that she wants?
Wellllllll, another discovery. I went over the bank statements several months ago, and noticed that there was a $42,000 deposit(!) made in April of 2007, when I was at Ft. Bragg, a month away from Iraq.
Apparently, STBX had not disclosed that this money, which she claims was set aside for the kids by her father's wife for "educational purposes", when we went to court last March 5th.
Unfortunately, it really isn't any of your business how XW spends her alimony or child support, as long as your DD is having her needs met. College does not count as such a "need," unless your D contract says it does.
So, it is probably both futile and inappropriate to try to negotiate with XW. Someone gave you great advice: decide what YOUR boundary is and communicate it to DD. You might also communicate that boundary to XW: "XW, fyi, I will pay _______ toward college applications. I thought I'd let you know as DD may seek help to cover additional costs."
Yes, XW is being a creep by not chipping in. Too bad. None of your business.
DD also needs clear boundaries. To allow her walk all over you financially and guilt guilt you into funding would not be good for her.
There are two questions:
(1) What is the consequence for the theft? Zero funding for applications? Calling the police? Signing loan papers? This is YOUR choice. If you come up with multiple acceptable consequences, then perhaps you might give her a choice between them.
(2) How much will you give her toward applications and under what conditions? 0$, $400, matching funds up to $500?? (If you go matching funds, let DD figure out how to get the moolah...) Anyway, again, the amount and conditions are YOUR choice. You can report your boundary to her very matter-of-factly. Take it or leave it. No emotion. (I would urge you, though, not to tie too many strings to the money--like trying to control which schools she can spend it on.... )
Sorry your XW isn't being a better partner. It stinks.
Wellllllll, another discovery. I went over the bank statements several months ago, and noticed that there was a $42,000 deposit(!) made in April of 2007, when I was at Ft. Bragg, a month away from Iraq.
Apparently, STBX had not disclosed that this money, which she claims was set aside for the kids by her father's wife for "educational purposes", when we went to court last March 5th.
Stand by..............
OMG, yowza! Well, clearly if she doesn't willingly start using it to cover educational expenses, it looks like a call to the L will be in order.
Unfortunately, if she doesn't decide to use that money right now to cover applications, without legal intervention there isn't anything that you can do about it immediately. In the long term, I wonder if the money can be put into a trust that you administer since XW is mishandling it.
Anyway, right now, you are pretty much where you were before with respect to how you handle your contribution to DD's application fees. XW will either contribute or not. You need to set your own boundaries. Don't let XW's antics undermine your DD's application process. Any legal action will probably happen long after applications are due. And, don't worry, there will be PLENTY of educational expenses to use up the $42000 (plus interest).
Hang in there. Take many deep breaths. Remember, this latest stuff is separate from the immediate issue with DD. Hopefully, though, XW will choose to do the right thing now that her educational money stash has been revealed. After all, she has some interest in avoid more legal fees.
Tried to edit my previous post, but it timed out. Here's the edited version....
FLTC,
Unfortunately, it really isn't any of your business how XW spends her alimony or child support, as long as your DD is having her needs met. College does not count as such a "need," unless your D contract says it does. [Edit: but OF COURSE it is your business if your XW acted fraudulently during the D process with respect to money for educational purposes, though this is a different issue.]
So, it is probably both futile and inappropriate to try to negotiate with XW [edit: unless it is about how you handle the new legal concern!]. Someone gave you great advice: decide what YOUR boundary is and communicate it to DD. You might also communicate that boundary to XW: "XW, fyi, I will pay _______ toward college applications. I thought I'd let you know as DD may seek help to cover additional costs."
Yes, XW is being a creep by not chipping in. Too bad. None of your business.
DD also needs clear boundaries. To allow her walk all over you financially and guilt guilt you into funding would not be good for her.
There are two questions:
(1) What is the consequence for the theft? Zero funding for applications? Calling the police? Signing loan papers? This is YOUR choice. If you come up with multiple acceptable consequences, then perhaps you might give her a choice between them.
(2) How much will you give her toward applications and under what conditions? 0$, $400, matching funds up to $500?? (If you go matching funds, let DD figure out how to get the moolah...) Anyway, again, the amount and conditions are YOUR choice. You can report your boundary to her very matter-of-factly. Take it or leave it. No emotion. (I would urge you, though, not to tie too many strings to the money--like trying to control which schools she can spend it on.... )
Sorry your XW isn't being a better partner. It stinks.
[EDIT: Guess we cross-posted. What a zinger re the $42000!!!]
