Puppy: let my try to explain the gray thing: I have always been the king of person that goes 100% one way - unless I switch to 100% the other way. It's not a great thing in general and has always bothered my wife. She clearlyy tells me now that she wishes I could just not have our relationship defined in any specific way.
. . .
So....are you saying that it would be improper dbing to take her to the party?
As for the first part, I think that's a REAL broad brush. Is "as a monogamous, committed husband-and-wife" too constraining a definition for her?
As for the party, she sounds like she's offering to go out of pity for you. I think your response should be "I'll be fine, but thanks. I'm actually looking forward to it."
She clearlyy tells me now that she wishes I could just not have our relationship defined in any specific way. I suppose she is actually dbing me - she is GAL, living strong without needing me and making a major life change for her. . . .
She is absolutely calling the shots for the first time in our life. She is not saying that anything will or won't be a certain way - just that she has not made any final decision on the future, but is doing what she needs for her right now. . . .
You damned right, she is. And it WORKS, too, doesn't it.
Puppy, to be perfectly honest I am afraid that if I don't keep some kind of relationship between us, and have her own her consequences, she just might love her life without me so much, she would completley decide against reconciliation. Again, it's like she's dbing me! The more comfortable she is her new life, the more I want her back. I am truly afraid that if I let her go fully, she will never come back.
BTM there is your problem.. you're afraid. She knows it and is using it to control you. You're still pulling the rope. By your own admission, she is DB'ing you, you know this and still cling to her every action. NOT ATTRACTIVE.
Quote:
is doing what she needs for her right now
Correction: she's doing what she THINKS she needs to do.
If you want to be gray, here's a suggestion: Reply to the invitation for two attendees. Drop the subject and don't mention it again. If she asks be evasive. Find a female friend to take with you and GO ENJOY YOURSELF. Women are not attracted to men who are wimps. Your black and white is to either go with your wife or not go at all. Gray is to go without her.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
1. Any definition of our marriage is unacceptable to her right now. I like your suggested response. I will go with something like that. I really don't want to attend alone, but I will.
2. Sure does.
3. I never said I wasn't afraid. I live with the fear of us not reconciling every day....and some days I don't hide it well.
BTM there is your problem.. you're afraid. She knows it and is using it to control you. You're still pulling the rope. By your own admission, she is DB'ing you, you know this and still cling to her every action. NOT ATTRACTIVE.
Quote:
is doing what she needs for her right now
Correction: she's doing what she THINKS she needs to do.
If you want to be gray, here's a suggestion: Reply to the invitation for two attendees. Drop the subject and don't mention it again. If she asks be evasive. Find a female friend to take with you and GO ENJOY YOURSELF. Women are not attracted to men who are wimps. Your black and white is to either go with your wife or not go at all. Gray is to go without her.
I know my fear is my problem. I am a little further than I was a couple months ago, but still not even close to not being scared.
Correction to your correction - she is doing what she feels she needs to do.
It would be gray for me to go without her. Good point. I work at a small business, so taking a female friend would not be a great idea and honestly I wouldn't like that anyway. I will not bring up the subject and when she aks will go with Puppy's response.
Thanks everyone! One issue down - 10 billion to go.
Correction to your correction - she is doing what she feels she needs to do
ROFL. Yeah, I forgot that! Us men think and women feel. A very important thing to remember.
Good that you decided to go! One small step in the right direction.
Please be mysterious though and DON'T tell her you're going alone. I don't see anything wrong with replying that two people will be going. Leave it out where she can see it and let her wonder. As for the party, when you get there, there's nothing wrong with saying that something came up and your date couldn't make it. If the invitation asks for the name of the person attending (for seating labels) just write "partner" in there.
There's nothing wrong with shifting some of her attention away from herself and onto you. When the time draws near and she asks you what to wear all you say is, "Um, I haven't decided if I want to go with you yet. If anything changes, I'll let you know."
This way you keep your options open. If she expresses EXTREME interest in going you can always decide to LET her join you. Don't pin your hopes on this and in your mind accept you are going by yourself.
Arrggh!!! The games we have to play to win our loved ones back!
Last edited by Gnosis; 11/16/0904:16 PM. Reason: Added last sentence
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
3. I never said I wasn't afraid. I live with the fear of us not reconciling every day....and some days I don't hide it well.
It's entirely OK to be afraid. Terrified, even.
Just not OK to make your DECISIONS based on that fear.
Embrace the fear, lean into it, and call it what it is. And then STICK TO A PREDETERMINED PLAN -- one that is NOT determined with fear in mind, but rather with "What is The Right Thing to Do?" as its foundation.
I really do no want to go alone, but I will do it and even if I hate evey minute of it, I will tell her otherwise.
There is no actual invitation or reply card. I just have to sign up at work. I will sign up as single, and if I decide to let her go with me, I'm sure it won't be an issue for the company.
I have been doing a horrible job of being myseterious. Instead, I actually discussed the subject with her yesterday! Yes I actually discussed the merits of going alone vs going with her. Some days I really suck at this!
Oh well, let's see if I can do this one thing perfectly from here on. I will not bring it up at all. If she asks, I will say "thanks for offering to go, but I'll be fine and I'm looking forward to it now". I will actually memorize that sentence.
BTM. If you love her that much and she really truely is happy without you. Let her go find this out.
As for the xmas party. Why not just skip it this year. Unless you need it due to sales stuff.
I think the space apart will do both of you a world of good. Your both hurting. First 2 weeks are going to be bad. But after that it gets better and better.
Who knows you may actually begin to heal and truely GAL and improve yourself. Allow your wife the chance to do this as well. Loving detach and be positive about yourself and your life.
