I am sick. Hate being sick. I didn't have the kids this weekend, so overindulged myself and slept, watched tv. Kids came home. D10 has had a fever all weekend, so she isn't going to school again tomorrow. I checked mine, and have a fever, too. So we'll both be home. Not good - my 5th sick day already this school year.
Thanks to a ridiculously long nap, I am awake now. I was laying in my bed, and the thoughts came (never a good scenario).
I wonder if I can do this. Life, I mean, on my own. I am starting to get overwhelmed again.
I look around at my house, and there are things out all over. Three boxes of paperwork to go through in the living room. More on the kitchen island. The floors need to be vacuumed and washed. Forget the state of my room and my bathroom, and the kids rooms are out of control again, too. I always struggled with housework. I read Flylady a lot, and I know what I have to do. But again, I overindulge myself. I can't get started on anything, can't make it match the picture in my head of how things should be, frustrated with myself that such a simple thing as keeping house should be hard for me. Holidays loom. The Inner Princess takes over a lot. And the poor-mes. And the perfectionism. And the distractiveness (is that even a word?)
There are projects at work that aren't getting done. Important ones. I am teaching my classes, but have to submit an order, organize this afterschool thing, get bulletin boards up, finish a fundraiser (that I missed a submission date for already). I put things on a daily to-do list, but they still don't get done.
Excuses. I go home to my kids. But even then, there is time wasted on the computer...so much that the kids have taken notice and mentioned it to me.
But I wonder now if...maybe I just can't do it?
I leaned so much on my ex when he was here.... I know that is a reason he left. I didn't have good boundaries, and expected him to fill in the slack that I left behind.
What if I can't do it on my own? I've never been able to....
self-sabotage? or do I just not have the capacity?
So much needs to be done every day. And every little bit just adds to the pile...I feel like I am getting bare-basics done, but falling farther and farther behind. And this is the story of my life. I remember back to 10th grade and being assigned all honors classes for the first time. Things snowballed....I ended up sick with a psychosomatic illness that took me out of school for a few months; I just couldn't keep up with the work. I wasn't used to failing. Feels like my life is like that right now.
Maybe I'm just not enough of a person.....wow, I know that sounds very strange. Yes, OT, I can see the co-dependence thing.
My IC asked me this week to do some homework - ID what I want to focus on now, now that I'm not just in survive-the-divorce mode. Do we go back to childhood issues? Or do I want to look at concrete things in the future?
Can I even separate them?
Probably not a good idea to think about dating, hmmm?
I thought I had done so much work...but I am still not making it. Yes, my kids are ok. But I'm not setting an example of how to keep a home (no, I'm not a Hoarder's show candidate!).
Is life on this scale meant to be lived on your own? So many years of having help...and three years without it finds me still struggling to figure it out.
I think back to my childhood, my mom, checked out but there, an alcoholic....how much of that is in me, even though I don't drink a drop?
Am I genetically at capacity, this is all that I can be? Or is there a way to push past this?
WOW DONNA! If you figure out any answers to any of those questions please let me know. You could be speaking all the thoughts that are in my head too. Have you been in my head? Not a pretty place to be!!!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Just my $.02, but I think you just need to get out and take a break, seriously, one night of 'the heck with it all'. I did that Saturday after having a terrible afternoon and evening Friday in lght of an issue with S11. Got a bulk of things done Saturday and then said, the heck with it, I am taking some me time and spending money I don't really have, but it needs to be done.
And it worked, even after more disturbing things from the kids yesterday and insight to another round of crap with XW, I feel good and am ready to tte week's challenges with stride.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
We are all wired differently. We all deal with things differently. But we are all overwhelmed at times.
I think the ADs are in order, don't you. Never been on them but know many who they've helped.
But when I'm overwhelmed (divorce, sudden job loss, parenting Ryan - severely disabled individual) - I make a TO DO list. Yes - with everything on it. Then I start biting it off it little, manageable pieces. And sometimes it seems I will never get through it all. But I do. Because little things do add up to big progress.
Don't become a self fullfilling prophecy. Of course you will do this. Of course you will go on. Because you CAN!
Would you rather have my life? Not talking about the vacations etc - I try to MAKE my life fun. Truth is - my life is also fraught with many many problems. More than most people could handle.
Seriously - this is NOT about me. Just saying - everyone has STUFF. Lots of stuff. Overwhelming stuff at times. But life is often about how you handle your stuff.
The kids and I are sick today with colds; I guess it's the season. Yuck! Hope you feel better soon!
I feel like that too sometimes. I have a to-do list on my computer and sometimes stuff is on there way too long, but then I have a day sometimes where I actually do half the list or whatever, and it feels great. I figure with all we've been going through, if we get out of bed, we've done good.
My advice would be to get your kids involved. I do a chore list and have my 2 do a few chores a day. I let them pick some chores (depending on how much time they have)and then I do the rest. I think it's great for the kids; when I have the kids doing dishes now, they don't use 500 glasses anymore, when they're responsible for doing dishes they realize they're making more work for themselves so that helps with them making less mess.
I think you need to cut yourself some slack. Sometimes when we get sick, I think it's our bodies way of forcing us to get some rest!!! And don't forget the liquids & chicken soup.
Being sick makes everything seem worse. Give yourself a break...that may be 50% of why you feel the way you do now.
Ok -- the endless to do lists. The tyrrany of the urgent. In Steven Covey's terms, the pressing but not terribly important things.
Try a desire list. I'm not saying get rid of your to do list. How about focusing for a while on what you want/need? I personally find that really hard to do. I also think it's a good barometer for depression. I've been surprised that a little exercize and a healthy diet has made me more of a window shopper. I know this sounds mundane, but Hoosier, a person on DB, noted, at that this stage I am the mission. The small things are not so small. Small acts of taking care of myself have tended to energize me in the direction of reaching out to others, being a better steward of my appearance, and even takin a bite out of that to do list. Your desire for a whole and flourishing life often starts with desires for small things: a new pair of socks, a new pair of shoes, not feeling winded when climbing a flight of stairs, getting rid of knee pain, etc.
Maybe re-sparking your desire will help. Desire first, to-do lists second.
Definiely work with your counselor on the future and positive change. This will probably entail de-connstucting the negative thought patterns absorbed from childhood.
